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[Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival)

Cirrus Light
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@GERgta
I know that feel all too well. Fortunately I found some that I can be really close to in person as well. We're so close and sometimes even like resting a head on a shoulder or something that people might think we're gay or something, lol. The annoying thing is girls are that close as friends all the time, and nobody bats an eye, but a guy does it…

No, that group hug in "Cutie Mark Chronicles," though. That was touching.

I think I still feel some sort of intellectual loneliness, though. I've hardly ever met anyone that's really on par with me in the sciences my age.

One of the reasons I love Twilight so much, heh.
Gentlecolt
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watch this

Learn depression. Fight depression. I wouldn't count for it to go away on its own. Don't take the risk and waste your precious time feeling horrible. Everyone with depression should have getting rid of it pretty high on their priority list, which can be hard to do with that energy draining force pushing against you. You have to try.
Get professional help if it's been going on for too long and you feel helpless. Even then, you should put some effort treating it yourself, which i'm sure the prof would suggest, too.

Honestly, I don't know how the depression i've experienced compares to others, but I know it's a horrible — horrible disease
ghostfacekiller39
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Does anybody else feel this crushing sense of loneliness even when you're surrounded by people you like?

I just kind of go into this mode when I'm talking with others that constantly makes me think that "None of these people care. None of them probably even like you and just want you to go away."

I think that all of the time in real life, I think that all of the time on here, I'm just always plagued with this feeling that nobody actually wants me around anywhere I go. Part of me hates it because I feel like it makes trying to socialize normally harder than it should be, but at the same time part of me just feels like its true and that it helps keep me in line somewhat.

I dunno, I hope I'm not sharing too much or anything.
GERgta
Thread Starter - [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival)
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@ghostfacekiller39
Yeah, that is exacty what I am experiencing.. It's really bugging me. I mean, I know some people where I know that they genuinly care. But there are others where I am really not sure… It's just very.. Strange?

Not sure if I have the wrong friends or if I'm not thinking straight.
ghostfacekiller39
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@GERgta
I don't like it, but I really bring it on myself anyway.

Part of me just kind of wants to isolate myself outside of what contact is necessary to survive and just spend all of my freetime daydreaming about my own little characters I've based on myself or just playing videogames. I think it would be better for others that way, too, but meh. I dunno, I just really want these feelings to go away so I try anyway, even if everything I do ultimately just makes them worse :\
ghostfacekiller39
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@GERgta
Everything I say is always wrong. I'm selfish and I lack the resolve to try and solve my own problems. I crave attention, yet at the same time I push everyone away from me. I fail at most things I set out to do and often times its my own fault.

I just want to go to sleep and never wake up, honestly. I'm tired of what I do to myself and I'm tired of what I put everyone else through. I feel like ending my existence would just be merciful, because I know that no matter what I do or how hard I try, I will not move past my failures and shortcomings.

I don't even think I want any help either, y'know? I just want to sit here and accept what I've become.
Cirrus Light
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@ghostfacekiller39
@GERgta

"Do not go gently into that good night…"

I feel that disconnect, too, sometimes.

Try not to let it get to you.

Also, it can be hard to motivate yourself to fight for something (not being depressed) if you don't know what you're fighting for (what it's like to be chemically balanced).
ghostfacekiller39
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This morning I woke up and I didn't have the willpower to go to class or do anything at all today even, so I didn't. I went back to sleep and just slept until 1 p.m.

Then at about 4 p.m. I got sick of it all and just started cleaning my room. I didn't really let up, either, and now it's pretty spotless. Especially considering what an ungodly mess it was before I cleaned it.

It made me feel better, actually. The room is a lot nicer and my desk and the floor isn't covered with dust and trash. I still have the sink to clean and I've got a few loads of laundry to do. I took a nice long shower while waiting for the current load, even, and I got super clean myself. I'm thinking of scheduling an appointment for a haircut tomorrow and getting some of the length taken off. While I do like it long enough to where I can cover my eyes with my bangs, it's too difficult to manage right now and I think getting it thinned and shortened would make it look better.

I don't know where this sudden burst of energy came from, but it's really helping fix what started off as an incredibly shitty day.
GERgta
Thread Starter - [Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival)
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@ghostfacekiller39, @Cirrus Light:
That is good to hear. I have similar things too sometimes, I should also clean my room sometime soon.. But I dunno, that is kinda far down on my list of priorities.

Gah. A buddy of mine inspired me to get a psychologist, but that kinda faded away yesterday and I started to feel bad again. Like, I really wanna do this. I NEED TO do this. But… Gargh. I am not sure. I kinda just want someone to do this with me, I guess? — Sure, there's my mom, dad, sis, etc., and they're pretty supportive, but I dunno.. I need to do this with someone else.

I don't have many friends that I could do this with. Someone who's hand I could grab and walk through this. One guy is some "swag" rich kid, the other one can't (or doesn't want to) worry about it. I have one friend that I could do this with, but he's kinda far away and has his own responsibilities and so on…

I need a job, asap. Or else money will be too short. The state won't finance me anymore, and that will be bad. And I really do not wanna milk my dad anymore, it's really making me feel very horrible. He should not finance his lazy-ass son…

I need to sort myself out, and then I need to sort that job situation out. But I am not sure how. In my current state, I am pretty much unable to do any real job… Everything's kinda fucked. I am lost.

Sometimes I just wish that someone would just force me into some type of correctional facility so I can just get myself fixed…
Gentlecolt
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@Cirrus Light

Also, it can be hard to motivate yourself to fight for something (not being depressed) if you don't know what you're fighting for (what it's like to be chemically balanced).

This is true.
You just have to grow sick enough of that current (depressed) state.
Not that i'm free of depression, nor possibly ever will be (see:bipolar), but fighting it makes life bearable
Gentlecolt
My Little Pony - 1992 Edition
Wallet After Summer Sale -
The End wasn't The End - Found a new home after the great exodus of 2012

Lately, i've had a few weird suicidal urges. I'm just chilling, not feeling depressed or anything, and suddenly I think of suicide and it seems like a self-evident thing to do. It feels like it's pulling me towards it in a strange way, that is some actually scary shit.
Can we all promise we won't attempt suicide before seeking help?
I promise.
A safety net, you know. Who knows how bad it could get
Cirrus Light
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Sciencepone of Science!
Well, today I found out some hormone in your body that keeps you awake and active — kind of like adrenaline, but instead of only being there for "fight or flight", it's there all the time (cortisol). There are two test levels for it: one while you haven't eaten for 8 hours and another at just any'ol time. My first was at the bottom end of normal, but apparently I broke records in the hospital for the lowest level they've ever seen otherwise.

This might explain why I've been so exhausted all the time. I'm actually rather excited that this may finally have some fix.

@Gentlecolt
Sure, I've been there before, so I'll join this promise if it helps you.

Heh, that sounds vaguely familiar, though. I've always chalked it up to some kind of agrophobia, but every time I'm near some tremendous height, like, say, an 18th-floor balcony, I get this freaky feeling that I could easily just jump over the railing, and I'm slightly afraid of that possibility — just how easy it would be, even if I'm in a completely normal mental state — not depressed or anything. It's just kinda scary to think about. At the same time I find great heights to be absolutely breathtakingly gorgeous views, yet terrifying for the height.

…Heh… Oh my gosh how it'd be awesome to be a pegasus… RD was actually my favorite pony for a bit. To just be able to fly like that… Dang. I've had dreams where I'm like Scootaloo — just barely on the verge of being able to — but just barely able to, and I'd fight for hours to get airborne, to try to figure out the "trick" to make it easy, and be ever so terrified of the prospect of losing my ability to fly, like being stuck on the ground, and having to be afraid of high balconies and ledges was some kind of terrible prison I never wanted to be caught in.

But, caught in it now… One of the reasons I love SCUBA diving so much.
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@Gentlecolt
It's strange how suicidal urges work

It's not like you just sit down and decide to contemplate that shit and think about it rationally.

It just pops in your head at the strangest of times without even thinking about it. You're just walking along, you see a train track, and you think "Oh hey, that's a nice train track. Maybe i could put my head on it and get squished by a train sometime, that would be grand." or "Oh hey, this bridge is pretty high up. Wonder if the fall would kill me?" Things like that.

I used to get those kinds of sudden intrusive thoughts with my mood swings. Fortunately my meds seem to have stabilized my mood so those swings don't happen as much anymore.
ghostfacekiller39
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@PaskaNaakka
With me, I just think of it out of the blue. It's more like "I wonder how much I would bleed if I bought a butcher's knife and just stabbed myself repeatedly in the stomach with it" or "How hot would a bullet feel once it entered my body?"

These kinds of things pop into my head all of the time when I'm doing something like walking to class. It's why I always try to find something to take my mind off of things, like playing music or smoking.
Cirrus Light
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Friendship, Art, and Magic (2017) - Celebrated Derpibooru's five year anniversary with friends.
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Sciencepone of Science!
@ghostfacekiller39
There are no nerves on your insides — not like you feel temperature with — at least not enough to feel the bullet very well.

It'd probably feel like the most painful shot you've ever gotten multiplied by a thousand but it just refuses to stop hurting.
Gentlecolt
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The End wasn't The End - Found a new home after the great exodus of 2012

Come think of it, the intrusive suicidal thoughts are not a new thing. It's the sensation of being pulled; being pulled to take action. There was slight sincerity in it. That scared me
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Pone of Astronomy
I don't have much experience with depression, but I have a friend I care about deeply who I'm certain has some form of depression.
He's very friendly normally, and quite cheerful in a good mood. However, he has another friend he loves, and he was an aromantic Bisexual before getting a GF recently. He got very distressed and his friend hasn't said anything for a few weeks, and kind of felt really confused about the situation because they shared a very close bond. He's been on and off about it recently, going from being distressed and won't say anything to saying that he trusts him and knows that he wouldn't push him away. Part of me thinks he has a bit of a jealousy issue on top of some sort of depression, or the jealousy could be a part of it. I say because he's shown these feelings before.
I don't really know what to do, I really care about him, and love him a lot, too. He's very attached to him and I don't know what I'd tell him. Again, I have not much experience with depression but I'm very worried about him.
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