How do you deal with bullies without turning into one yourself?

How to defend yourself like a proper human being.

Seek appropriate assistance, if at all possible.

@CaptainXtra  
Love, compassion, friendship … they’re shockingly effective.
 

 
But that doesn’t mean you should forget that you’re dealing with a bully, and if they insist on acting out, you have to look out for yourself as well so sometimes you have to set good boundaries.
 
If someone is being a bully to you here on the site, report them or the post it the PM that they sent you and we will talk with them about why they feel the need to ruin someone else’s fun and happiness.

Depending on how extreme the situation is:
 
• tell them to stop. If they were not intentionally bothering you, this small amount of communication can easily fix the situation.
 
• walk away. Don’t stand there and let them bully you; get away.
 
• talk to an authority member, which can be a manager, counselor, teacher, moderator, or even police through a non-emergency number.
 
Try your best not to escalate the situation. Don’t provoke them, and only hit them if you absolutely have to.
 
@Derpy Whooves  

I understand your stance, but I disagree. If somebody is legitimately being a bully, kindness is not usually the way to solve it. Every time I have tried to be kind to bullies, I became submissive. Kindness works for empathetic people who lose their temper occasionally, not for people with an intent to make us feel bad.

@Starry Mind  
First, I completely agree with your steps.
 
But as for your response to what I said,
 

 
Kindness and compassion doesn’t mean being submissive or accepting abuse.
 
In fact, compassion can be one of the most brutal of responses to bullying - it really can fuck bullies up.
 
But it does mean asking yourself why the bully is a bully, and striking at that problem instead of continually dealing with their symptoms. And sometimes the problem is you, not them.
 
For example, if the bully you are facing is only bullying you because you resist them and give them something to act out against, then not resisting them takes away their motivation and you stop being “a thing to act out against” in their environment. And when I say “don’t resist” I mean “bend like a reed in the wind”, not “Give in and let them abuse me”. It’s the difference between just not being an object they can interact with, as opposed to being a solid rock they can keep hitting.
 
In general, being cruel to bullies, or “hurting them back” tends to only validate their feelings and gives them justification to strike back. Think for example of people who “hit first because they knew you were going to hit them eventually” - that’s a sickness of the mind that can’t be fixed by hitting them back, because it just “proves them right”, and then you are an object in their environment that they can use to act out against.
 
That’s why if someone is being a bully on the site we don’t ban them until we’ve tried everything else first. And usually if we permaban someone, it means weeks, months, or even years of constantly re-banning them because for them “being banned” becomes the windmill they tilt at. Sometimes - rarely - we unban those people and they simply fade into nothingness, because there isn’t anything to fight against.
 
It all depends on why the bully is bullying.
 
So, I disagree with you - love, friendship, and compassion is really the only thing that destroys a bully and makes them something else. Everything else just makes them bully harder because it’s a loop of bad behavior that feeds back into itself, validating the bullying. Even when all the feed-back is 100% their fault.
 
But, I do marriage counseling, where trying to figure out what is behind the bad behaviors and trying to avoid “punishments” is usually more successful than just treating the symptoms.
 
Because in a long term relationship, you’re just removing the symptom, but not the cause. And as much fun as that can seem, it usually just makes things more dramatic.
 
Of course, this is just my 2¢. You do you. And when you’re dealing with a bully sometimes hitting them back feels good … even though you might be playing directly into what they want from you.

Let’s seek friends among LARPers.

Depends on the bully.
 
If they are using verbal, then respond with tact and grace. Do not sink to their level.
 
If they strike you physically, break them. Dominance is power.

Cultivate a fearsome reputation.
 
Back in my school days no one bothered me because I was known to be skilled with throwing knives. In truth, the popular girls next door just saw me messing around in my backyard chucking an Opinel at the shed. But hey, it worked in my favor.

@kleptomage
 
I had a bit of a “mob boss” rep.
 
People wouldn’t mess with me because they knew that any number of my “friends” would make their lives a living hell for the rest of their time there.
 
One time, an ex of mine came into our sociology class crying. This dude was stalking her, being a real creeper. I motioned to two of my “friends” and we went on a little walk over to his French class.
 
I walked right up to his desk about 5 min before class started, and intricately explained to him why he was making a very, very poor life choice.
 
He didn’t so much as look at her for the next year.

Most of the kids in my school didn’t bother me. I was a loner. And never really talked to people. Everyone thought I was crazy. And I gave people I didn’t like dirty looks. So maybe act crazy. I don’t know.

Well, I’ve been bullied a lot and it’s why I have next to none self-respect and I don’t care about life even though I have a job, pay my bills, etc.
 
What I have been managing to do is to never give in to the chaotic pressures of society. To have a distraction from the negative people we will always see in life. Through school; it’s difficult. You’re kind of trapped around people you don’t like and with the young developing brains of others, things are a mess. Sometimes people are gifted with a healthy and positive upbringing which allows them to be accepted easier, and through the support of those who love them, nothing can stop them from being happy. Then there are those like myself, since day one, being given so many reasons to be negative and ultimately become so individualized that I no longer seek human companionship as much. I could have been a bully myself, or even one of those shooters we see on the news today, but I kept taking in the pain and the cruel names I was called all through school by several bullies for years. I’m surprised that I didn’t end my life it was so bad. I even dropped out and came back the next year to finish High School.
 
To be resilient and become a stone wall, unyeilding to the inevitable chaos others may bring. To take a deep breath and accept situations for as they are. Take action on those who hurt you, tell someone and don’t feel like you shouldn’t and just let things go for the cycle to repeat. Tell a counselor, if it doesn’t work, tell the principal, if that doesn’t work keep going up the ladder to the top until someone listens. Find those like you to keep strong. If you see someone being bullied, stand up for them. Focus on what you like to study in school. Try to get into sports if you can (I look back and wished I did) because it will do many things for you.
 
Bullying is common and it’s everywhere, even as an adult I live as now. The only difference is that it’s rare to meet these bullies a second time, so simply avoiding them, or if you want you can call them out. It’s riddled online, everywhere. Anonymous backlash through a virtual and digital world we live in, most so eager to say things we normally wouldn’t say face-to-face. It’s 2019 and that is how it is.
 
I could go on and on, but developing a mental technique to motivate oneself to not worry so much about the actions of others who negatively impact you is a must. Love yourself first. Eat healthy, don’t smoke, don’t drink too much, exercise when possible.
 
Oh yeah, listen to lots of music.

I had a bully in grade school. He was easily a foot taller than me and one time he literally threw me down a flight of stairs. One time I fought back, which ended up with me shoving him into a locker and screaming and beating on the door with him inside it with a chair until the door had to be pried open with a crowbar. We both ended up “spending some time away from school talking with authorities about our behavior” after that. And all of it consisted of the two of us sitting in chairs angry at the whole situation while adults were “disappointed in us”. Somehow that got me into some sort of pool of “who can beat up who” and it just made the number of kids trying to fight me skyrocket because somehow I was now “the fastest gun in the west” or some dumb shit like that. And of course that made the bully a target for everyone who thought he couldn’t be beat. The result was unending and horrific for both of us. Then in high school he was having trouble with math and asked for help so I did. The bullying was still there sometimes, but I tutored him where he needed help and he started standing up for me when there were brawls. Then we ended up in the same classes in seminary, and it was weird for awhile but he started talking about some of the shit he was going through with his dad and we ended up pretty much doing everything together. Since then I don’t see him much, but he plows my driveway and I do welding for him when he needs it and sometimes we catch up with each other in the bar.
 
Honest to god, he was Gideon Grey and I was Judy Hopps. Except my ass was about 20% firmer.
 

 
Except in this world he became a landscaper, and I became a coder.
 
2LDR: In the end, there’s just this one planet, and you either have to share it with everyone else, or not. Fighting only makes it worse, and getting along doesn’t necessarily make it better.
 
But in the end, if you can figure out how to get along, everyone is better off.

@Ciaran  
I am responding to you, but I am not trying to prove you wrong.
 
Forgiveness to a bully who wants to change their mindset is great, but showing kindness to a bully when they still have a cruel mindset is not. It may convince them to stop, or it can give them a sense of power and a will to continue bullying.
 
Show assertiveness until their mindset changes, and then you can offer forgiveness.

@Starry Mind  
Like someone else said before, being kind doesn’t mean being weak, or letting people have their way.
 
And forgiveness is something you give for yourself so you can move on. If you’re forgiving others for them, and have the idea that gives them some kind of clean slate, then you’re doing it wrong.
 
Forgive, but don’t forget.
 
Be smart for yourself, not stupid for others.
 
PS: You seem to have missed the whole part about me slamming them into a locker and beating on them until the cops pulled me off, or the years of continual fighting that lead nowhere … but, if you think finding non-aggressive or compassionate solutions to bullying is a horrible idea, you do you.

Be firm with who you are, and show the bully that no amount of crap they give you is gonna break you.
 
Try not to provoke them, don’t stoop down to their level, and do not get physical with them unless it’s in self-defense.

@Ciaran  
I never said that I approve of violence. I don’t.
 
I said that it was a bad idea to try to be kind to a bully when they still have the intent to make you miserable. This doesn’t mean that I immediately adopted the alternative of trying to bully back.
 
I have a pattern of being kind to people when they bother me, as long as they do not explicitly attack me. Even if I create boundaries that I do not let them break, I am a pushover.
 
Anyways though, this debate is not really doing a lot of good. We have similar viewpoints on resolving bullying, and I am arguing about a technicality. I accept your stance, but we should move on now.
 
Sorry for the negative emotions that this may have caused you to feel.

@CaptainXtra  

 
Well Dear, you need balls to be capable to defend yourself
 
The bully always choose the weak one[s]… you need to prove you are not weak

Try and find out about their whereabouts and their associates then report them to the most immediate roaming ruffians to fuck them up.