Background Pony #7983
It's nice to hear from a real one.
I've been thinking about the root cause of my dysfunction myself. I realize I only need to fix two things. Avoidance and learned helplessness, my life will get a whole lot easier.
My avoidance comes from my anxiety climbing to unbearable levels, until I drink alcohol and fall asleep, I'm out after one drink every time, despite telling myself and others I'm going to work. The more i face my anxiety sober, the easier it's going to become.
I talk in great detail, because i think some people find it fascinating, and also I'm insecure about people thinking that I'm stupid, because functionally speaking I'm pretty dumb.
I'm slow cycling bipolar with Borderline Personality Disorder characterized by avoidant and narcissistic anti social behavior. Doctors think I'm difficult, drug seeking, attention seeking, treatment resistant, and dishonest. I think doctors are idealistic, dishonest, delusional, projecting, biased, money seeking, and lazy when they can pass the blame.
When doctors try to help, they target my bipolar directly with mood stabilizing drugs, this makes me even more dysfunctional. They tried anti-psychotics.
When I'm sober I realize I'm not addicted to anything, feeling sober is fine, it's the work that makes me stop and get a drink, I just need to accept it's not helping.
Because the impotent treatment attempts and the fact that doctors think I need their help to get high, I've come to the conclusion that primary medicine is incompetent in handling my disease. I will treat myself.
I decided I don't need any treatment. I like my bipolar sleep schedule, and I'll keep my psycho thoughts. I just got to learn to work and get my shit done. Laziness is my only problem, laziness is why i'm always isolated.
At least lazy isn't outright malicious. It can be though.