DarkObsidian 
Smiling Panzerfuchs 2.0
As I recently realized, I live with the risk of dying every day. Not because I want to. But because my body is really damaged. So I just live with borrowed time. Either it happens, or it doesn't. Hell, maybe I really will live to be 121, as I've always wished! But... Probably not. Actually i only want one thing. I want to be remembered.
Laughs! What a pathetic selfish wish. The truth is, no one will. I have allowed nothing but burned bridges in my life. And even with the awareness that there may yet be a handful of people who will remember me, I'm depressed.
Not I would ever attach any significance to my own death. But I literally lack the strength to fight against it. Every halfway sensible person would now do everything to improve his own situation. I just don't give a shit. I smoke, I drink. I don't do anything anymore. What I have left is the wish to die somehow. But I don't want to go like that. This conflict is just eating my soul. I only wish I could go back to the front once more. And find my destiny there.
I hate the thought (maybe) to die. But that I don't have the choice to determine my own death, that's something I just can't forgive. The only thing I want is to die with a gun in my hand. Against an enemy who is worthy of it. But all that remains for me nowadays is to wait for death. And that, according to the name of this thread, frustrates and depresses me more than you can imagine.
Sorry. Just a bit of yada yada. On the one hand, I enjoy the thought of maybe not being able/having to live much longer. On the other hand, it pisses me off. My only real regret is not leaving anything behind worthy of having to live through this inner conflict. And yes. I caress death. But what is that worth if you have nothing to leave behind in this world. No, not some bullshit like family or love. But a story. That would be enough for me. All I want in the moment of deepest darkest thoughts is to leave one good story behind.
And that depresses me, because I'm not physically able to do that right now. My own lack of drive at the moment pisses me off more than fate ever could. And I hate it.
That's why: anger, frustration post. Nevermind. More than vent. Less philiosophical than one might think. Just me, my thoughts, and the ability to write them out here. So... Tut mir leid ;-)
Laughs! What a pathetic selfish wish. The truth is, no one will. I have allowed nothing but burned bridges in my life. And even with the awareness that there may yet be a handful of people who will remember me, I'm depressed.
Not I would ever attach any significance to my own death. But I literally lack the strength to fight against it. Every halfway sensible person would now do everything to improve his own situation. I just don't give a shit. I smoke, I drink. I don't do anything anymore. What I have left is the wish to die somehow. But I don't want to go like that. This conflict is just eating my soul. I only wish I could go back to the front once more. And find my destiny there.
I hate the thought (maybe) to die. But that I don't have the choice to determine my own death, that's something I just can't forgive. The only thing I want is to die with a gun in my hand. Against an enemy who is worthy of it. But all that remains for me nowadays is to wait for death. And that, according to the name of this thread, frustrates and depresses me more than you can imagine.
Sorry. Just a bit of yada yada. On the one hand, I enjoy the thought of maybe not being able/having to live much longer. On the other hand, it pisses me off. My only real regret is not leaving anything behind worthy of having to live through this inner conflict. And yes. I caress death. But what is that worth if you have nothing to leave behind in this world. No, not some bullshit like family or love. But a story. That would be enough for me. All I want in the moment of deepest darkest thoughts is to leave one good story behind.
And that depresses me, because I'm not physically able to do that right now. My own lack of drive at the moment pisses me off more than fate ever could. And I hate it.
That's why: anger, frustration post. Nevermind. More than vent. Less philiosophical than one might think. Just me, my thoughts, and the ability to write them out here. So... Tut mir leid ;-)