I keep getting super fucked up high and having anxiety attacks, and heart conditions like hypertensive crisis. I don’t call the hospital because I’d rather die that have 3 customers think I’m a grifter when I get put in the mental institution. besides, all the stupid shit I put in my system, defib wouldn’t even work, and the blood pressure medication causes paradoxal hypertension that would instantly kill me, especially with alcohol.
My upcoming situation is going to be hard, yet somehow I’m completely irreverent to it. I start doing all the fuckups I know I’m supposed to avoid, well I mean to my body, I’m not really stealing or acting antisocial. Well yeah avoidant antisocial, I’m avoiding all the things society expects of me, and it’s going to kick me in the ass. It seems I’m willing to disengage in society even if it puts me in high risk situations. I talk to like 3 people, i tell them i got a plan for everything, and am going to make it, but instead I’m doing nothing but getting fucked up, waiting to be homeless. I don’t care about shit, but i at least want to interact with three people without them worrying about me.
I’m not mad at my mom for leaving without me, I’m mad that she chooses now to be annoyed with my behavior. It’s not her problem, she could have been mad when it was her problem. My heart problems are only my problem, i have the common decency not to call 911 because I’d rather be dead than have her look bad (plus they’ll detain me when they see my drug test). Its not like I’m tripping balls and destroying stuff, or stealing.
I drink almost every night which raises blood pressure, then i coat my lungs with insane amounts of THC, which blocks oxygen when it’s first absorbing and can contribute to hypertensive crisis.
Voc rehab is no good, last time I was in the hospital tripping balls I texted them something about the state of my mental health and what my future might look like, and because i had no inhibitions i said something that could be interpreted as threatening. They just ghosted me.
My doctors could have probably helped me, but I always get dropped out of these services for missing appointments and abandoning my medication. I think psychosis is when your thoughts become too random and detached from reality, but what kind i have no clue. Prob bipolar because I keep doing the straight and narrow periodically (which is just makes it more dangerous when I go back to all the drugs). I can’t do the straight and narrow long enough to have social contacts, a job, many friends, a doctor, unable to care enough to get any social help, I don’t keep paperwork organized, and i filed my taxes once (it’s ok, i don’t make shit). Maybe i need to be fucking homeless, I’m an asshole.
Anon so my GF doesn’t find this. I’d rather her believe things are great for now. All the things I promised to do for her are theoretically possible, or I’ll just end things in the nicest possible way before it becomes her problem.
My avoidance and irreverrent is going to cause me great suffering, even avoidant antisocial is a great burden to others, malicious or not.