I’m giving people an update, not because i need help or attention or shit like that, i mean i do but not from you guys. This is just so people know i’m getting help.
I’ve been in and out of hospitals, police doing wellness checks, they’re coming to get to get me real soon. I have memory lapses, unable to walk outside, I’ve almost caused traffic accidents and have been physically assaulted. Often i can’t tell if i’m awake or not, I keep hearing things that aren’t there, and i have an inability to initiate action, because i’ll sit around for 5 hours looking a blank screen. When I sleep things get way worst
I got some of recurrent physosis. It’s hard to tell sometimes, because i talk ok sometimes, i don’t talk into a bannanna like it’s a phone, i don’t believe people are out to get me or the government is reading my brain, it’s a little more subtle. it comes in cycles, and it’s ingrained into my behavior. I’m very lazy and I don’t know why, it might have to do with the car crash where i shattered my leg and my head bounced across the concrete. As i said, when i’m clear my literately skills are ok (i’ve seen worst), i don’t usually stutter, it’s hard to get help sometimes but i’m getting it. I have paperwork for Borderline Personality disorder, unspecified cognitive disabilities, and i don’t need papers to prove i have a rod in my head or smashed into the concrete (also missing my teeth) I don’t believe in self diagnosis (a doctors job is to rule out diagnosis, not diagnose)
Everyone can say it’s the drugs, for all i know they’re absolutely right, i’ve abused drugs almost every day for the past 14 years, ‘abuse’ because i know it’s not helping me, luckily right now i’m not physically dependent on anything. I cut everything out but drinking, i know what i don’t need. I sometimes drink out of desperation to make me black out, because if I don’t i lie awake in bed, room spinning, having dreams where i can’t tell if i’m awake or who i talked to, I keep hearing voices, usually my mom or something.
I’ve called Samsa, and they gave me some resources. Only so much because I’m not a veteran, or trans youth (trans but not youth) I get that, that’s fine. The police have to do bakeract because i’m not safe to leave the house and have nobody to help me. Every time i smoke weed i have an anxiety attack, i don’t even waste my money on the shit, it’s just always around for undisclosed reasons.
My mom has scars on her brain from chemical exposure in the army. The way I rant, and repeat myself, and walk in circles freaks her out, she’s in her trailer doing her own thing. She’s crazier than I am, can’t even help me because she spends all her money irresponsibly, and often can’t drive, I mean she actually needs her licensed revoked she’s going to kill herself. I can’t drive myself, i have epilepsy and distorted sense of time.
I’ve lost everything time and time again, I’ve become completely destitute of money, friends and sanity, I’ve ripped people off too and made great enemies. I’m not ashamed to say now because i’ve already lost everything. I’m arrogant, insecure, overcompensating, easily angry, virtue signalling, wearing an obviously bullshit mask. I mostly talk to fictional versions of people in my past, in my head. No twitter, no derpibooru, plenty of wbesites i’m actually ostracized from (even before the psychosis taken over, which i can’t stress enough, i’ve done plenty of bad things before i actually became psychotic, i’ve done plenty of bad things completely aware of my actions)
I swore off art, because I’m not getting it done, with no intention of my own, this sped up my problems, but atleast this way i have a chance to do a few people right before I go to getting in fist fights with fellow homeless people while my mom hocks my few belongings for weed.
I say my mom is crazy because she is, but also i’m not living with her anymore, because she saw me sit stagnant for over 10 years, we both agree i need some kind of fire under my ass, because i have dependency disorder, where being able to depend on another person is actually destroying me inside out, I’m better off walking the streets. I’m moving north so I can do labor work and walk the streets without burning to death, because in Florida poverty kills, which is why we’re the third most violent state in the US.
Voc rehab dropped me and i’m probably on the no fly list. How bad to things get before people just give up completely? There has to be something else… right? but if i’m just getting culled from the genepool now that’s fine, I lived one hell of a ride.
I don’t need anything, or any help from anybody. I’m posting this so ya’ll know i’m not dead, that’s it. This is only a cationary tale to warm the hearts of the destitute and depraved. I thought about fund raising for my some 120$ of debt, but i’ve already fundraised myself out of debt twice, and failed to keep my promises to the people who helped me, i’ll try to fix things myself.
Don’t feed wild animals, they’ll forget how to hunt.
EDIT:I got rod in my leg, not a rod in my head, my bad. A rod in my head would fix a lot of issues… that’s a joke, i’m getting real help. I don’t mistake words in my mind, it’s purely an internet thing from cutting and splicing sentences with my mouse without looking.