I guess I’ll open up. Probably because it’s 3 a.m. and I’m a little stoned right now, but fuck it. No regrets.
I’ve been depressed for a long time now. My dad died when I was 10 and he raised me as a single dad. I spent a couple of weeks as a ward of the state while both my grandma and my mother’s parents fought for custody of me. My dad’s mom eventually took custody of me and her style of raising me was entirely different than what I was used to. My dad was someone who really didn’t censor things from me or force me to adhere to any kind of routine or schedule and we often just had a good time together, whereas my grandma was much more strict and had zero patience for bullshit. The change was so drastic to me that I got into a lot of arguments with her when I had first moved in with her and I just kind of started staying in my room because I didn’t have many friends at school and I didn’t want to put up with, what I thought to be at the time, bullshit. I grew to stop resisting so much and I feel her style of raising me did a lot for me in the long run, though, I should add, but at the time it caused me a lot of distress and caused me to sink pretty deep into myself. She is an old woman, too, and as I got older her health got worse as well as our income, so I was working as early as my sophomore year to help contribute to my family’s bills. Social security doesn’t cover near as much as people say it does, and that’s the only income she had for a long time. Still is, too. It feels like my home life hasn’t given me time to stop and rest since my dad died, though.
My social life wasn’t much better, either. My great-grandma came to Texas from Germany as a war bride after WWII and we lived in a small town, so word traveled and I got made fun of for Nazi things and had trouble making friends and shit up until high school for that.
I did meet a good friend in 7th grade, though, and we were very close. His parents even set a little cot up in his room for me because I came over so often. By freshman year I started getting a little more popular because I played baseball for my high school and I put in a lot of effort to get good enough to go straight to Junior Varsity when I was young, so I wanted to get a girlfriend because I was a stupid 15 year old. I tried to date around for a bit but I never got anywhere with anybody, but at the beginning of sophomore year I ended up meeting this freshmanI really liked and I just tried so hard to date her that I stopped spending time with my friend and he got mad about that and I just rebuffed him and gave him shit for being like that, and we didn’t talk to each other because I was a selfish cunt. He ended up getting cancer and dying while he was still in high school and we never made up for that. That hangs over my head every day because it’s a nice reminder of what a selfish, worthless human being I really am. I didn’t even date the chick, too, she ultimately just liked me as a friend or some shit. I stopped playing baseball after sophomore year because I just didn’t care anymore and I found a job to make some money.
I’ve made good grades, I’ve participated in academic contests where I’ve won numerous awards
for my essays. I’m the vice president of the College Democrats at my university campus. I played sports in high school. I’m attending college entirely on government funding and scholarships I’ve been granted because of my success in high school. I currently have 5 really good friends - my closest friend being someone I feel like I can trust with anything and the others being a group of guys I just go and kick back and have a good time with on weekends. I’m still lonely, though, even though I shouldn’t be, and I yearn for some kind of attention or other because people noticing me gives me some kind of delusion of being important in the grand scheme of things. Maybe because I’m a whiny cunt. My life has had some bumps but I’ve always been a pussy about what a fucked up individual that I am. I don’t know real hardships. I am a very successful person in life in spite of what it’s thrown at me and yet all I really ever want to do is sit in a corner and bitch about how hard I have it and complain about my involvement in things.
I’m not an intelligent person, either, I just try to write things to where it makes me look smarter than I am. I have no redeeming qualities as a human being. I’m not funny, I’m not charitable, I’m not kind, I make waste of the skills I have. I’m nothing.
I’ve tried to take my own life in the past, but I was always just too much of a stupid kid to ever get any real plan and I never had the nuts to go through with it. I got put in a short term mental hospital for it a few times, but it didn’t help. I do honestly feel like the world would be a better place without me, though, because I have nothing to offer to it, just my own selfishness and emotional maladjustment.
Hell, most of the problems I listed above are my own goddamn fault at their core. Imagine the shit I must’ve put others through in my life, like my grandma who had to take me in and basically waste her fucking retirement years to care for my ungrateful ass.
Fuck everything. Fuck myself, especially, because there is nothing but bad coming from my existence. I am everything that people should hate, and for good reason at that. I’ve just been growing to feel like I have no hope for success in life and that all of the effort I’m expending right now will just ultimately come to show for nothing because of who I am.
I just shouldn’t be alive.