@DarkObsidian
You make good points, but I’m afraid they won’t help me. Prepare for a wall of text.
I don’t know if I was hardwired to have depression from the birth, but there is one thing that was.
I have a bad case of temper. I almost certainly suffer from what is known as Intermittent Explosive Disorder. It just happens. I can get really angry, really fast. Like, in seconds. And it often goes away in seconds. Then I spend hours sulking about it (“I got angry again for no reason”). What triggers it? Everything. Anything from a website popping up a “subscribe now” garbage while I try to read something, to forgetting to buy toothpaste again, the program I’m working with not working as expected, a passer-by on the street blowing foul cigarette smoke in my way, and so on.
I’m not terribly violent when it happens, but I have broken things a few times over the years. But I always fear that one day I completely lose control and something very bad happens. I don’t want to hurt others. Because I cannot stop the IED inside me from going off, I live alone. I have no relationships, and I will never have. I’ve never dated anyone. Because even if someone would love me (how can someone love me, when I cannot love myself?), eventually I would end up hurting them, and they would leave. The only way to avoid all that misery is to live alone. Now, I am a bit loner by nature, but I’d still love at least some company. To talk with. To hug. To get hugged. To wake up next to in the morning in a sunlight filled room.
Most people I encounter more than once in life know about my condition. Either I tell them, or they see me rage over something. I’ve apologized for my behavior to other people so many times my apologies are starting to lose their meaning, because it will happen again. And again. And again.
It’s been there for my whole life. You can probably guess how easy it is to bully someone who gets angry so easily… I am amazed that I somehow managed to have friends back in the elementary school. That was a long time ago.
I refuse to operate any motorized vehicles. I don’t even have a driver’s license (though, for many years, I couldn’t even afford it). The thought of what might happen to me and people around me when (not if) I rage behind the wheel is horrifying. I don’t want to drive cars or motorcycles. I do not consume alcohol at all. Again, the thoughts of terrible things I might do when I get drunk sicken me. (Of course it is possible that the right amount of alcohol might actually calm me down, but it’s not something I’m willing to experiment with.)
When COVID-19 happened, I was secretly happy a little. Because for me it meant working from home. I don’t have to scream at the computer in the office and embarrass myself. I can do that at home and no one knows. I hope I can continue working from home for the rest of my life.
All this depresses me every day. This “IED” does not go away. You’re born with it. There is no cure. Therapy can smoothen it a little (I have personal experience on this), but it will not make it go away. You will hurt yourself and people around you, and it just happens. You have no control over it. It’s a curse that completely dominates me. I was sentenced to live in total loneliness from the very beginning. My parents are aging. Without a car, I cannot help them when they need help (I live about 60 kilometers away from them). Every day I wonder what will happen to my parent’s house after they die. I cannot inherit it, since it’s far outside of the city and a car is required out there.
My depression will not go away, because I automatically generate more bad mood and sulking every day, even if I don’t want to. My brains are miswired to do that.
And this is just my personal mental demon that completely controls me. I haven’t even started talking about the physcial ailments I have (migraine, back pains, etc.) to some of which I do have medication and the medication usually works. But IED? It’s there, always.
(Another massive source of depression is the current world political situation, but I’m not going there. I cannot change any of it anyway, but I cannot stop feeling sad over it either.)