I have often felt this feeling of being nothing, being useless without a future. There are “reasons” why I feel that way, like a huge waste.
For as long as I can remember, in kindergarten children used to bother me, I didn’t quite know why, but I think they noticed it was peculiar (but not special). This situation got bigger as I got older. This caused me to distance myself from people and distrust people (although I consider it not such a bad thing) In addition there is this strange situation where he made friends out of pity, so I’m never sure why the people around me put up with me, I wouldn’t.
I am not comfortable with the condition in which I live, I can say that I am “healthy” most of the time, but genetics condemns me to inherit congenital diseases without cure, is it worth continuing like this? My father hurts, a surgery would leave him in bed forever, he still strives for us, am I the cause of his pain?
I made a promise to myself that when I was old enough to live on my own, I would go to my own space, which is now a fantasy (thanks corps, now I have to fix your shit) And the fact is that we are tired of living in the same place for many years, There is no other option but to support each other as always, but what happens if one of us ceases to be?
I find it hard to believe that my work, my hobbies, the pathetic attempt I make to continue studying, these things lose their meaning in the monotony, in the routine, I know that not every day is the same, but most of them are, and I can’t tell any difference from what I did yesterday and what I’ll do afterwards, Is there any point in moving forward?
As I see it, it is difficult to swallow any excuse to move forward, such as:
You have responsibilities - My responsibilities are the result of other people’s designs to take advantage of me.
Think of others - I have done nothing but think of others, I am diffuse and lost.
Do this and you will stop thinking like this - How long will this distraction stop working?
Believe this and you will be happy - I prefer to leave my thoughts to myself and my time for something less stupid.
I have been thinking about what I want to do and what I would have liked to do, my disability is linked to my environment, as well as the goals I could meet, I know that there is a barrier and I can not do anything to change that, no matter how hard I try.
I hate a lot when I dream impossible scenarios, I’m not talking about dreaming of pink elephants, I mean being in a “real” scenario, like as being interviewed, traveling the world, having a successful project; These things make me angry, it’s as if my mind wants to ignore the problems I have, like debts, old fights that can explode again, issues that I will have to attend to when my parents are gone.
I don’t see my life beyond an immigrant future, limited by all this I constantly think.
I’m willing to watch the sunrise for the last time, it’s a thought that calms me down for a moment, I guess it’s also one of those fantasies that my mind creates to distract me.