Hi. I just feel the need to put this somewhere. I’m just copying and pasting (with a few changes, and some additions) from a post I made to mental health related Discord.
Lately my life has been a lot of the same, and, I have some weird thing that I am unable to do things I want to do. Most days are nearly the same, I keep thinking of things I want to do, and I just keep postponing and postponing over and over again. I don’t know what’s about. Since I have autism, It’s probably my autistic inertia.
My sleep schedule is also pretty bad at the moment, even that I’ve been thinking for months that I want to improve it.
I have been in this situation, just doing whatever during days, for a long time now. There are times I am unable to do even the simplest tasks, like reading a few lines worth of text, or a brief video online. Other times, I am able to watch longer videos, but not the shorter ones that I wanted to watch long ago. There has been things I have been wanting to do for over a year, or more.
Even just replying to someone with a “hello” or “hi” can be difficult at times. A friend of mine greeted me early this month and I was just unable to reply and still hasn’t replied.
I’m already in therapy, but maybe a therapist that is more focused on autism would be useful. I feel like I should do this whenever as possible.
Sadly, suicidal thoughts have returned about a week ago. Yesterday, most of the day I have been thinking about these. I’m not depressed, however, I’m just thinking about it because I’m just tired of doing nothing, I think. I have had a very troubled era during 2016-2020 that I was really depressed (a multitude of factors made things worse). I feel like the things that happened during that time really affected me that there’s still traces of it today.
Despite being able to do so many things in the past, and still today, many times I end up thinking that I’m just unable to do anything, that I am incapable of things. I don’t feel like my life has any “life” to it. I just do whatever everyday and the next day is the same thing. It’s a very weird feeling.
Although the current daily life has improved, I still wish that era of 4 years of being very depressed never happened. It sucks that all the problems that happened during that time period were not my fault, it was not in my control, and ultimately was other people’s behavior towards me that made me feel even worse. Nothing feels worse than making an open letter to someone I thought I trusted with my-then mental health difficulties, then receiving very heavy vocal abuse. Not just that, but all sorts of obligations I had to start making because I wrote that one letter saying I wasn’t feeling well.
The person who did that luckily did change over time and he/she is a completely different person now. But, those moments were very dark, I was very alone, didn’t had many people to talk to, and trying to convince this person I needed therapy was really difficult. It was perhaps one of the worst moments I had in my life, on top of already awful things I had to deal before that.
And, I’m no longer the same person I was before 2016. This is both for the best and worse. While I did change how I view life, and how I appreciate the little things, now I have many other things that is very difficult to deal with. Sometimes it feels that no matter how much therapy I do, these things may come and go. And… I have been the majority of my life in multiple therapies too, for different occasions depending on what was happening between each time. I like talking with my current therapist, but, it’s still painful to think about those past moments.