Hey, want to hear a long, boring story ending in how my legs were forcefully spread apart by a horny seventh grader? Of course you do.
So I volunteer a lot in my local library, simply because I enjoy the work and the people I work for. My library also happens to have one of the best male librarian in the entire state of New York named Erick, a class act nerd. So when the library expressed a need to bring more young people in - a library’s fate often lies in its young blood - of course, Erick was on the case: he decided that what we needed was an after-dark Zombie Hunt in the upstairs portion of the library. Meaning that people would dress up as Zombies and have the ever loving fuck gunned out of them by sixth graders and their nerf guns. If there’s anything I learned from this story, it’s that nerf collecting teenage boys go hard - one guy there was in a full body Assassin’s Creed cosplay, complete with various (fake) knives.
So, of course, I had to volunteer for this event, partly because I knew most of the kids coming and partly because, hey, Zombie Hunt. I was in charge of the snack table, along with my boyfriend, which basically meant “make sure the kids don’t go nuts and steal the entire plateful of butter cookies”. So ten minutes before the event is starting, Erick tells me to not give out food just yet, because he wants to lay down the ground rules of the event and, well, kids just don’t listen when they’re shoving their faces with food. So kids are coming by asking for food, and I feel like bit of an asshole saying “No, you can’t have it yet”, so I add “come back in ten minutes, okay? Sorry.” Shenanigans of course, ensue: people offer me money for twizzlers, one kid who knows about my interest in MLP points to a corner and says “Is that Rainbow Dash?” and pretends to make off with ten twizzlers. But it’s all in good fun, nobody really tries to steal anything, and it looks like it’s gonna be a great night. Welp, here’s where things turn a bit sour.
So this kid with a mole the size of a nickel - I’ll call him John - comes strolling up to the table, and I already know that shit’s going to hit the fan because this guy causes trouble at every event he attends, not to mention the first time I met him he a) followed me around for an entire night, looking at me with sultry eyes and whispering “come with me to comic con” and b) shoved a Hatsune Miku plushie down my cleavage. So he asks for food, and I give the same shtick: “Can’t yet, sorry. Come back in ten minutes, then you can. Sorry” (I’m very apologetic, can you tell?). Well, John throws a fucking fit, because life just ain’t fucking fair for him. And then he proceeds to grab a handful of twizzlers, to which I lightly grab his hand because hey, I don’t want to get in trouble for giving out food. As my boyfriend is trying to get the twizzlers out of his hand, Johny Boy is absolutely screaming obscenities toward me.
“You fucking bitch! You’re such a whore! Let the fuck go of me! I hate you!”
You’d think someone would come over to help, but it was so loud - the turnout was huge - that no one probably heard.
So they’re finally out, and I have no fucking clue what to do. But apparently, he’s over it, because he looks at my boyfriend and says “Hey, are you Spanish?” To which my boyfriend, who has one of the most stereotypical Hispanic names to ever exist, says yes.
So John starts grinding on the wheelchair ramp (I think he yelled “imma dance” before doing so, he actually said “imma), singing “Grind on me” all while yelling out Spanish curses. To this day, I have to give him credit for accomplishing this impressive feat. My boyfriend is fucking loosing his shit, probably because the second hand embarrassment is so strong, that you can cut it with a knife. So finally, John leaves, and I can give out food.
After everybody takes food and the event starts, my duties are pretty much done. So I’m talking to my boyfriend, talking to some of the sixth graders who are waiting their turn to go upstairs and use their nerf guns. There’s a small John incident where he insults my “weave” (???) and talking like a stereotypical black woman; he’s giggling and shit so I assume he’s fucking around, so I play his game and talk like that to him right back, to which he runs off upset. Whatever. Now, me and my boyfriend are approached by a small girl, about the same age as John and the complete polar opposite too, who was brought there by her older brother so he could help her shoot down zombies with his nerf gun collection. Kinda sweet, actually, but that’s besides the point. So she’s this small little thing, right? Sweet, caring, albiet bit of a doormat, but hey, she’s in the seventh grade. Anyway, she says very quietly “Are you two dating?” And she’s really sweet about it and all, so I’m like “Yeah, yeah we are.” And she’s really excited, asking these completely innocent questions (“Have you guys ever held hands?” “When did you meet?”), that we both feel totally comfortable with this girl and answer her questions. And that’s when I hear a satanic shriek from behind me. “YOU’RE DATING?”
Shit. Shit. Shit.
So when I say John fucking leaps over my head to get in front of me, I mean he fucking leaps over my head to get in front of me. Turning around, he looks at my boyfriend, making a point to not acknowledge me, and says “Have you tapped it yet?”
Well, if I was going to answer his questions before, now I certainly wasn’t. You really can’t expect to treat me as nothing more than the library backdrop and then expect me to answer sexual questions which, by the way, he had more of now. He shoved a packet of paper in front of the little girl’s face, almost pushing her off of the raised surface she was standing on, and moved his face so close to mine that he could have kissed my nose.
So now I’m just pissed, and I tell him to fuck off, because there’s no librarians around to report him to and besides, I really could give less of of shit about my reputation now, this kid is absolutely mortifying my boyfriend, and I don’t deal with that shit. To which he gets mad, and you guessed it, starts spewing curses directed at me. I’m about to say something, when I feel a blast of wind kiss my genitals.
And this kid has his hands on my kneecaps, spreading my legs apart and staring at my mound with glorious wonder. “Hey, look at this!” he says, poking my boyfriend. I try to close my legs, and he forces them apart again.
I shriek. I’m surprised I wasn’t elected as an honorary siren that night. And still, it is not heard because it’s that damn loud. My boyfriend literally has no idea what just happened. By the time I say “he just forced my legs apart”, the imp is gone. So I see a librarian in the corner, and I’m about to go to her when John decides to top everything off with a cherry: he comes behind me, and digs his sharp little fingernails into my skull and runs away giggling.
I tell one of the librarians what this kid is up to. She pulls him aside, yells at him, and bans him from the Zombie Hunt, and for the rest of the night, he mopes on his Iphone, telling his daddy how he was framed or some shit.
What I won’t forget is how a few minutes later, he had a ring of girls literally surrounding him at his feet, as he pumped them with some sob story, pointing at me. The smug little bastard’s face as he stared at me pissed me off so much, that I did something I never fucking do as a volunteer: I tattled to his precious father, who said in the damn manliest voice I ever fucking heard, I quote, “This will never happen again.”
He got banned from the library by his father, and if he ever comes back, now that literally every librarian knows the story - the librarian I told is a good friend of mine, she was mortified and told everyone about it, I don’t really care - he will never go anywhere without being watched like a hawk.