Awhile ago, I made the comment referencing Bruce banner, as a joke, But I never thought I’d be back here. I don’t remember what state I was in when I had made that comment. I do know that I wasn’t any better off then I am now.
Ah, I feel like I should just say who I am, just for the sake of saying it, hoping that maybe it might create some sort of fluke universal event that may change something later down the road I’ve no idea, and highly doubt that being the case, but hey… weirding things have happened.
I’m a sailor in the united states navy, I’m stationed out the seventh fleet AOR, Japan specifically. My ship does patrols up and down the asianic oceans, floating past china, korea, guam, and so on. I joined the military years ago to… help prepare for a future where I may eventually (in the off chance I’m lucky) have a family to take care of, and to take care of those I care about in my current capacity. I live everyday, being put in situations I don’t reasonably… Feel the utmost… motivated to to endure. In simpler terms, most times I don’t really give a damn, I just do what I do because I’m told to, not for passion, joy, interest or even because it’s the right thing, most times I follow order simply because it’s an order and it’s just one thing on the list of things preventing me from going home, turning on my laptop, and playing games or going to be just so I can do it all over again.
I’m not motivated at this job, I love that I live in japan, and I’m grateful to have a paycheck that has guaranteed money, but as far as saying I love my job or even my life, is farfetched at best.
I feel like things would be more bearable if I had a companion, someone who I could go through this for other than the ambiguous “people I care” about mantra. But the problem with that, is I almost have no time at all for anything other than decompressing. I don’t have the motivation or will to deal with people, and understanding the nuances of social networking.
I’m tired, tired of being alone, tired of being driven like a work horse, and tired of feeling lost and unfulfilled, but I don’t really know where to go.