Today is my birthday…
I hate my birthday…
The depression and feelings of sadness and despair that accompany the celebration of the day when I was born, reminding me of everything wrong I did since I came into existence.
The depressive thoughts screaming to my head ‘Why don’t you just die’. I legitimately attempted suicide today, and I feel like doing it again…
The depression and tiredness of not wanting to do anything, yet needing to do so both because my stupid birthday and college homework
The irritability and depressive feelings, which often cause rifts with my mother because she believes depression isn’t real and that I’m just being a world class dick because it’s my birthday, when I actually would prefer to not bother anybody.
The happy mask I have to wear all day, forced to be happy, because nobody wants to admit I have depression because they think ‘It’s some mad man illness’. I’m somewhat good at masking my feelings, but sometimes it’s unbearable.
The anxiety of being told ‘Happy birthday’ ‘I hope you have more years’ ‘Fagget’ ‘Happy Bday!’ and not knowing how to respond, and when I actually respond, I feel miserable because I can’t express my emotions and that everyone hates me for it, most of the times that feeling being correct and they indeed look me awkward for not being eloquent
The anxiety of being the center of attention and everyone with their eyes on me, expectant. And the burning fear of failing and being the ridicule, action which would worse my already bad anxiety.
The anxiety of going back to college on Monday, wondering how I’m actually going to reply to everyone because I’m like a robot; can’t express emotions even if my life depended on it.
The anxiety of feeling like a burden for everyone who has to take their time off to send me a happy birthday message or worse, sing me a happy birthday; my mother was with a bored/disappointed face all the time, like “Here we go again with this kid…”
The anxiety and depression that force me to seclude from everyone by fear of bothering or letting that mask drop and become a dick or unintentionally hurt someone and be left alone… Again….
The anxiety because a certain girl on college knew my birthday and was the one who told everyone even though I don’t have any fucking idea how and tried my best to hide it and said I didn’t want it revealed anyways, which makes me slowly more paranoid.
The anxiety of going to college depressed, get angry at a harmless joke from an student or teacher and attack someone or have an emotional meltdown… Again… thanks to my depression. I’m probably already known as the ‘Crying kid’ because I became a nervous wreckage waterfall when they told me I was gonna get expelled for ‘Falsification’
The fact that I didn’t want a birthday in the first place, neither a cake, or soda, because I know my family is poor and that money could go to buy food or something else; I won’t go Tuesday and Thursday to school because I don’t have money to pay the bus for more than 3 days.
The feelings of worthlessness and that everyone has to tolerate me and do things for me.
The fact my mother and father accompany me tonight, and neither of them tolerate eachother that much.
Yeah… I’m really sorry for bothering you all… I just had to let this out…
And I was going to post this as an anon, but thanks universe for fucking me up. I swear I hit the anon function and I saw the goddamn box blue, but NOOOOOO,
the world said: “let’s make you an anxiety wreckage! Lol, I want to see how you suffer while having popcorns.”
Now if you excuse me, I’m gonna have a nervous breakdown for posting this and forgetting anon… Stupid Derpibooru that sends me to a forbidden error page when I try to send the message and when I go back it’s suddenly sent without anon.
Why I don’t have an heart attack and we get done with this? That’s the most preferable course of action.
