The Continuing Adventures of Medi-Bat

I wrote you a story, Derpibooru, because I love you. And because I’ve lost my batty, little mind.
 
It’s presented in the form of a thread, mostly because I feel like it’s the most appropriate way to continue the story. I hope you guys enjoy it. And yes, I got drunk again just so I could think all this bull up. But, you know, without any actual bulls.
 
In other words:
 
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
 
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
 
~ ~ ~
 
Chapter One: Lost in… Space?
 
[Star Date… uh… Today. Our ship is floating somewhere outside of the normal bounds of time and space. I’m unconscious, even though I’m explaining the situation to you right now. Don’t think about it too hard, I’m certainly not.]
 
[Medi-Bat is poking around at the controls like an adorable goofball, even though she has no real idea what any of them do. Long story short, buttons are fun to press and knobs are equally fun to turn and twist. She just released all of our emergency food rations out of Air Lock #3, but she was super-cute about it so we’ll all probably just let it slide. She’s currently waiting for me to wake up.]
 
“Heya, Master, long time no see!”
 
Me: [I awaken in bleary confusion] “Ugh, what the? Where… where the heck are we? Oh man, and why does my head feel like there’s a heavyweight boxer in there giving haymakers straight to my brain?”
 
“Our time and place in the original Derpibooru thread ended, Master. We’ve been drifting through the emptiness of The Void for a while now.”
 
Me: “Whoa, that’s… probably not good. Still, at least that explains all the disembodied, inarticulate screaming I was hearing before I woke up.”
 
“Yepper-doodles! The angels have fallen and the universe itself is bleeding from open, infected wounds!”
 
Me: [I back away slowly, suddenly very afraid for my life] “Tiny bat… are you alright? You’re scaring me.”
 
“I was awake for the whole thing, so my mind may have suffered several psychedelic explosions of light, sound, and sanity. It was kinda like having my soul forcibly pressed through the dreamlike lenses of a kaleidoscope and seeing the infinite color spectrum from an extinct god’s perspective. Soon the laws of physics will cease to be, replaced by new universal laws where the streets will run black with alien ichor and screams will be our currency.”
 
Me: [Worried laughter.png] _{“O-oh, is that all?”}
 
“Also, I’m super duper hungry!”
 
Me: [Well, this could be good or very, very bad] “A-and just what are you hungry for, tiny friend? Certainly not my life force energy or my succulent human flesh, r-right?”
 
“Plums!”
 
[Oh, thank God. I definitely didn’t just crap my pants there. Definitely not.]
 
[I hold out my index finger and Medi-Bat glides over to land on it. Removing a ripe plum from my pocket which you definitely shouldn’t question as to how it got there in the first place, I hold it out with my other hand and allow my newly-insane little buddy to chow down. She gets plum juice all over her tiny face, but doesn’t seem to care in the slightest. It’s exactly as adorable as it sounds.]
 
[Num num num num num num num-]
 
Me: “Well, at least we’re still in one piece… physically speaking, anyway. Any ideas on where we’ve ended up?”
 
“Num num num!” [Itty-bitty bat burp] “It looks like we’re trapped in a text document on some loser’s computer.”
 
Me: “First off, manners. What do you say, Tiny bat?”
 
“Excuse me!” [Medi-Bat blushes sheepishly] “Oopsie.”
 
Me: “That’s better. Second off, hey now, that loser is… er… was me. I think, anyway. Regardless, that was super rude of you, yo.”
 
“Sorries.”
 
[Medi-Bat unleashes her secret weapon, pouting and looking at me with extra-sad puppy dog eyes]
 
Me: [HNNNNNNNNG, Joey.exe has encountered a fatal problem] “Oh… oh god, no. Don’t do that. I’m not heartless, alright? You’re forgiven, now stop that!”
 
“Yay! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
 
Me: “The thing is, we’ve still got one great googlie-mooglie of a problem on our hands.”
 
“And our hooves!”
 
Me: “Yes, those too. Anyway, we still don’t know how to escape this computer and get back to the ’booru.”

Chapter Two: Crazy Like a Fox-Bat
 
[Medi-Bat raises a hoof in the air like a student asking to be called on during class, bouncing up and down happily]
 
“Oh, oh! Me, me, pick me! I gots an idea! It’s a really, super good one, I promise!”
 
Me: “Alright, hit me. What can we do to get out of this mess?”
 
“You’re a giant nerd, Master, right?”
 
Me: [Extremely, horribly offended]
 
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I didn’t mean it as a bad thing, Master!”
 
Me: “Fine then, go on.”
 
“I just meant that, like, you’ve wasted your entire life playing video games, watching anime, collecting miniatures, and avoiding sunlight, that’s all.”
 
Me: [Burning with the white-hot rage and intensity of a billion exploding suns]
 
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Okay, okay, maybe that was a little harsh! I… uh… what I meant, Master, is that your nerdiness might be able to save us! That’s what I meant, honest!”
 
Me: [Jets cooling… albeit very slowly] “Please elaborate.”
 
“See, your nerdiness and all the RPing about me derailed the thread, right?”
 
Me: “Correct. We… got a little out of hand.”
 
“But what if we ramp it up, right here, totally on purpose?”
 
Me: [Confuzzled] “What do you mean?”
 
“What if, and I’m just taking a wild bite in the dark here, what if we get so completely nerdy that it creates a Nerd-Time Singularity capable of altering the very fabric of reality and weakening the 4th Wall just enough for us to punch back through it and return home?”
 
Me: [Mind = blown] “I… is that even possible?”
 
“I dunno! I’m crazy now, remember?”
 
Me: “Oh yeah, that. Uhhhh, anyway, how nerdy are we talking?”
 
[Medi-Bat answers by flying off of my finger and fetching a tiny notebook and equally tiny pencil. She returns with her supplies, holds the pencil in her mouth, and starts scribbling down mathematical equations that… well… honestly don’t make any sense. Then again, how much sense does the rest of this really make?]
 
[After a while, she holds up the notebook with her wings and shows it to me.]

Chapter Three: The Math of the Gods
 
[Don’t even get me started on the sheer insanity that is Medi-Bat’s “math” equation, dude]
 
“Well, if we take Warhammer 40k, multiply it by a factor of Doctor Who, add the amount of hours you’ve spent watching the X-Files and reading Star Trek fanfiction-
 
[And I’m already lost]
 
and subtract the amount of hours you’ve spent playing sports, ‘cause we both know it wasn’t a whole lot.”
 
Me: OBJECTION! “Hey, I played baseball in high school!”
 
“Then multiply that by the total circumference necessary to enclose a medium-sized star in a Dyson Sphere, we’ll come up with this.”
 
[Medi-Bat proceeds to show me something that is most definitely not a number or calculation of any kind]
 
“And then we take that, divide it by the number of bad Robocop and Terminator sequels, multiply it by the amount of limbs that characters from the entire Star Was franchise have lost, and add a random number between 1 and 1,000,000 to represent how depressed you are that Fallout 76 totally bombed
 
[Understatement of the century]
 
then, finally, we’ll come up with what we need.”
 
Me: “I’m almost afraid to ask… but okay, Tiny Bat-friend. I’m trusting you on this one. What is it? What’s the answer?”
 
[Medi-Bat smiles]
 
[It is not a comforting smile]
 
“With all of that out of the way… we come up with the single nerdiest number in all of creation, the answer to absolutely everything that ever was, is, and will ever be!”
 
Me: [Uh-oh] “You… you don’t mean…”
 
“I sure do!”
 
[As if on cue, a great rumbling begins to thunder from seemingly everywhere all at once. The sheer nerdiness of everything that Medi-Bat just said, the pure power of recounting all that wasted time of mine…]
 
[It’s amazing. It’s nonsensical. It’s a complete and utter joke. But above all else, it’s enough to shake the very core of reality and bring it to its knees.]
 
[Like a dark priestess invoking the name of an unholy demon, Medi-Bat mathematically added up all of the greatest and dorkiest moments in my life and came to the only conclusion that a drunken narrative this dumb ever could.]
 
“Bow before me and my adorableness, universe! I am Medi-Bat, your new Goddess of Cuteness!”
 
Me: “Forgive me, Douglas Adams! I was weak! I couldn’t stop her!”
 
“With all of my awe-inspiring might, I invoke The Holy Number and the answer to everything, 42!”
 
[Against all odds, we don’t die. I know, I’m shocked too.]
 
[Instead, a great shattering sound blasts through The Void and a hole opens up. Though it, the realm of Derpibooru is visible, protected behind what appears to be one more wall resembling a computer screen.]
 
[My God, the psychotic little bugger really did it. Medi-Bat struck through and exposed the 4th Wall, the last barrier separating us from our home.]
 
Me: “Bitty-Bat, I can’t believe my eyes; you did it! You really did it! There it is, Derpibooru! You’re a genius, Medi
 
[I’m struck speechless]
 
[Oh no…]

 
I giggled like a schoolgirl at that
 
Are we going to see the LiMBaP’s sketchbook?

@97blackbird  
Yep, Medi’s notebooks shows up again =3

Chapter Four: The Part That Should be Emotional, but You Know Better Than That, Don’t You?
 
[Medi-Bat lays unconscious on the the ship’s bridge floor, the mystical energies of her nerdy quasi-math spell steadily fading from the air around her. She doesn’t appear to be breathing and she certainly isn’t moving.]
 
[CALL_TO_MOTHER&%$@ING_ACTION.EXE!]
 
[I rush to my little bat buddy’s side as quick as can be, ignoring the fact that I just rhymed. I pick her up as carefully as possible and cradle her in my palms.]
 
Me: “Bat-Bro, you wake up right this instant! Look at what you just did; you found the way home for us! There is no way I’m letting you die on me now!”
 
[Extremely sappy emotional music begins playing in the background, kind of like what played during Spock’s funeral in Star Trek II]
 
Me: [I’m crying] “C’mon, Medi, you know I can’t do this without my batty little buddy. W-we… we’re a team. I’m the dumb one who writes the words, but you’re the cuteness that keeps them reading. You’re… y-you’re the cuteness that keeps me going…”
 
[Emotional music swells; the violins move downstage and the brass section wakes up with a sudden surge of sound]
 
[Just as the trumpets blare, an idea comes to me]
 
Me: “The cuteness…”
 
[You got us this far, Medi-Bat. Now it’s time for my crazy idea. Taking a deep breath and humming the words in my head, I prepare to sing something very silly, but very powerful.]
 
Me: “I’m a little Med-Bat, small and cute!  
I fits in your palm and I fits in your boot!  
Give me some plums and boop my snoot!  
I’m a little Med-Bat, doot doot doot!”
 
[The effect is instantaneous]
 
[As I’d hoped, she pops back up like nothing happened. Anti-climactic, I know, but I don’t care. All I care about is the fact that she’s okay.]
 
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
 
Me: “Calm down.”
 
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
 
Me: “Calm down!”
 
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
 
Me: “FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, CALM THYSELF!”
 
“Ohmygosh! You sang the song! You sang the song! Even though you said you’d never-ever in a million-billion years sing the song!”
 
Me: [Tsun-tsun, dere-dere] “It’s for emergency purposes only!”
 
“Is not.”
 
Me: “Is too, dammit! It’sforemergencypurposesonlyandi’mneversingingitagainsogetoffmyback!”
 
[Medi-Bat flutters up and lands on my head, doing her best to give my noggin a hug with all four of her hooves. So sue me, it’d be enough to make a rampaging god calm down.]
 
[She keeps the hug going for a few seconds, then jumps down to my shoulder. She joins me in staring out the bridge’s main screen at the hole in reality that she opened.]
 
“It really worked, Master. There it is… home.”
 
Me: “Ya done good, Medi-Bat. Ya done real good.”
 
“So, what do we do now? Just go on through?”
 
Me: [I shrug] “We’ll still have to punch through the 4th Wall, but yeah, that’s basically the plan. Why, what’s up?”
 
“Will… will we be the same once we’re through, Master?”
 
[Oh]
 
“Will we remember all of this? We came from an RP, then we hit this computer and suddenly we could talk as much as we wanted. What happens when we’re back home, back in the comments?”

Chapter Five: Through the Fire, the Flames, and the Internets
 
[Medi-Bat’s twiddling her hooves nervously, trying to avoid looking me in the eyes]
 
[It’s adorable, sure, but I still don’t want her to be scared]
 
Me: “Bat Buddy?”
 
“Yes, Master?”
 
Me: [Tearing up a little bit, don’t judge me] “I don’t really know what’ll happen when we get back to the ‘booru. You know we can’t RP in the threads and just derail them all the time, right?”
 
[She nods her little head sadly]
 
“I know. It’s against the rules.”
 
Me: “Yep. And the rules are there for a reason. We can’t just jump into an artist’s comments and detract from the art itself. It isn’t fair to all the hard work that they put in.”
 
“B-but… but that means this might be the last time we’ll ever see each other!”
 
Me: [Crying for real again, even IRL] “Yeah, it might.”
 
[Medi-Bat shudders at the thought and I can relate. The idea of losing a friend is a pretty tough pill to swallow. Still, I’m proud of her; she steels her resolve and finally looks me straight in the eyes, smiling.]
 
“It’s okies, Master.” [She wraps her hooves around my finger and gives me another tiny hug] “You play a lot of tabletop games, right? That means you know what the most important rule is. So tell me, Master, what’s Rule Zero? What’s the rule that comes before all the others?”
 
[Well duh]
 
Me: “Have fun.”
 
[She nods her head again, smiling wider. Picking up her discarded notebook, she opens it, selects a specific page, and holds it up for me to see.]
 
“And did we have fun, Master?”
 
[Doodled inside are a ton of tiny drawings of the two of us, back during our many misadventures in the comments. Back when I was a Terminator, a Xenoqueen, and a bodysnatcher. Back when I was anemic and ate way too much spinach so I could be strong to the finish. Heck, she even drew a picture of her wearing an itty-bitty nurse’s smock, complete with the red cross cap, just like BigBuggyBastage wanted to see.]
 
[And, of course, there was a page dedicated entirely to the moment when the two of us first met, when she told me to eat a cookie because my sugar was getting a little low.]
 
[I laugh, brushing aside a few more tears and patting her on the head with a single finger]
 
Me: “Heck yes we did. We had all the fun, little dude. All of it.”
 
“Then there’s no regrets, are there? Let’s do this, Master. Let’s go beyond the impossible!”
 
[Cracking my knuckles, I step up to the ship’s controls]
 
Me: “You heard her, Computer! Activate the hyperspace engines and arm the cyclone torpedoes!”
 
Computer: “ENGINES ONLINE. TORPEDOES ARMED AND READY. OUR TARGET, CAPTAIN?”
 
Me: “The 4th Wall. I want you to blast that thing beyond all repair. Once we’re through and we’ve got access to the navigation bar again, set coordinates for https://derpibooru.org and activate the memetic shields.”
 
Computer: “CAPTAIN, THIS WILL NEVER WORK. THIS PLAN FLIES IN THE FACE OF ALL LOGIC AND REASON. THIS… IS INSANITY.”
 
[Medi-Bat and I share a grin and a chuckle]
 
“Good, ‘cause I lost my mind in the dark depths of non-space! I’m as batty as a belfry!”
 
Me: “And I’m on medication!”
 
“Geronimo! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
 
Computer: “MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON US ALL.”
 
[The cyclone torpedoes launch and collide with the 4th Wall with, like, the craziest force, dude. The wall ripples, then begins to crack like a window pane. The cracks spread and spread, spiderwebbing across the entire thing, until the sound of shattering fills our ears.]
 
[Pinkie Pie would be proud, yo]
 
[The engines roar to life, sending the ship and the both of us hurtling towards the hole in space-time and Derpibooru beyond. Just as the control panel locates the navigation bar and begins inputting the coordinates, an idea springs to mind.]
 
Me: “Computer!”
 
Computer: “YES, CAPTAIN?”
 
Me: “Change the coordinates and hurry! Change them to https://derpibooru.org/writing!”
 
[Medi-Bat’s eyes light up with joy]
 
[She understands]
 
“Fanfiction, Master! Fanfiction!”
 
Me: [I give her a scritch under her chin] “That’s right, Bat Buddy. Fanfiction. I’ll see you on the other side.”
 
[The light becomes blinding as we enter the rift. Home is right in front of us and we’re both laughing like complete psychopaths having the time of their lives.]
 
[We hit down in the forums with a splash and the rest, my friends… well, the rest is history.]

 
For when you need to fill the meter until the rhyme…
 
(Not judging, it added cute points…)

@97blackbird  
Cute points are the bestest points =D .

I’m tagging notifications from this thread, I need to see more~ ^^

@FeatherTrap  
xD
 
Glad you enjoyed it. Whenever I get more ideas for her, this is where they’ll show up.

reads
 
Yeah, I’ll sub this.
 
And I’d totally read a proper fic about a human and his mini batpone.

@Shadowhoof  
If I ever write an actual fic about Medi-Bat, it’d still end up here, so it’s a safe bet.
 
~ ~ ~
 
The Ongoing Shenanigans of Joey and Da Bat!
 
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! It worked, it really worked! We’re in the forums now!”
 
Me: “Well how about them apples, we really are. I was really hedging my bet there, you know. We could have wound up anywhere.”
 
[Medi-Bat leaps onto my head and gives my noggin another hug]
 
Me: “Okay, okay, I get it! You’re happy and that’s really great, but we need to figure out what we’re going to do now that we’re here!”
 
“Can’t we just do whatever we want, Master?”
 
Me: [Shruggle] “Well, sure, I guess we could. The thing is though, that’s just not really good storytelling. We need some kind of goal, an objective to keep us focused and keep the plot moving along a little bit faster than a snail riding a slightly larger snail.”
 
“Ooooh, have you ever seen those really big snails? The ones as big as me? They’re so gooey and cute, with their big bonkin’ shells!”
 
Me: “Heh, yeah. They are pretty awesome.”
 
[Suddenly, the plot happens!]
 
Computer: “CAPTAIN, SENSORS HAVE DETECTED AN INCOMING VESSEL MOVING AT SPEEDS EXCEEDING HYPER 7.”
 
Me: “Well damn, that’s stupidly fast! How long until collision and we’re smashed into atoms?”
 
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! No, I’m too cute to die!”
 
[Medi-Bat clings to my scalp, ripping out some of my hair]
 
Me: “Ow, crap! Cut that out!”
 
Computer: “ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS, WHICH ARE BASED ON LEGITIMATE MATHEMATICS AS OPPOSED TO HOW MUCH BABYLON 5 YOU’VE WATCHED, WE HAVE EXACTLY SEVEN MINUTES UNTIL IMPACT.”
 
Me: “Excellent, that’s plenty of time. Reengage the engines and move us out of harms way.”
 
Computer: “I’M AFRAID I CAN’T DO THAT, CAPTAIN. ENGINES ARE CURRENTLY OFFLINE.”
 
“Hey, that was a dorky reference too! You’re a big, mean hypocrite, Com-pooper!”
 
Computer: “AM NOT.”
 
Me: [I roll my eyes hard enough to feel it IRL] “Hush, you two. I’m trying to think of a daring plan to save us all.”

I just finished two back-to-back 18-hour days, so I’ll have to read all of this when I’m awake again. But I wanted to say I feel honored to be invited to witness this ongoing journey of our beloved Medi-Bat. :3

At this point, I’m going to have to ask someone OUT OF THE KINDNESS OF THEIR HEART to draw medi-bat.  
And I’m honored to PERSONALLY INVITED to such a grand thread of our communist-loving creation!

@Communist Starlight  
Had too, in honor of the medi-bat

@Communist Starlight  
And that is actually the best of my abilities, so…

Batpone, na-na-na-na Batpone! Batpone? Batpone! Batpone.
 
If I tried to draw Medi-bat she’d end up looking like some unfortunate horror from beyond the edge of time and space. If it could speak, it would say “Kill me.” through its horribly mangled mouth.

@BigBuggyBastage  
Just glad to see ya here, buddy. You get mentioned near the end of the first story =3 .
 
@Communist Starlight  
I’ll probably do some doodles of my own at some point. I only have notebook paper however and I basically live in the middle of a forest on a mountain in Indiana, so don’t expect the highest of quality.
 
@Shadowhoof  
“Medi-Bat! Medi-Bat! It’s Commissioner Gordon! The Joker has rigged a bomb next to the active volcano and the paraplegic children’s orphanage! You have to hurry!”
 
Adam West Batman was just the best, yo xD .
 
@Joseph Raszagal  
Chapter One: Trying Not to Go All ’Splodie and Stuff
 
Computer: “CAPTAIN, IN ORDER TO REACTIVATE THE ENGINES, WE WILL NEED TO REFUEL.”
 
“And in order to refuel, we need the engines to get us to the nearest space gas station! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
 
Me: “Well, that’s a Catch 22 if I ever heard of one.”
 
[The ship’s radio systems activate on their own and begin playing songs from “Permanent Revolution” at max volume]
 
Me: “Dammit, this is no time for ska! We’re about to die and peppy staccato guitar doesn’t mix well with imminent doom!”
 
“Wait, Master! I just thought of something!”
 
Me: “Yes, Bat Bud?”
 
“I occurs to me that the ship isn’t the only one that needs to refuel.”
 
Me: “What do you mean?”
 
[Medi-Bat answers my question by om-nom-nomming my finger and waiting several seconds for her information readout to complete]
 
[Oh yeah. Duh. She’s a medical specialist. Man, I’m an idiot.]
 
“Master, you’re dangerously low on your sugar! And as we all know, you’re not you when you’re hungry!”
 
Computer: “LOGICAL ASSESSMENT. HERE, CAPTAIN, EAT A SNICKERS.”
 
Me: [I look at myself in the ship’s nonsensical rearview mirror] “Well, that would explain why I look like Betty White right now.”
 
Computer: “SHUT UP, ROSE, AND EAT THE DAMN CANDY BAR.”
 
[Wolfing down some chocolate-y goodness, I feel a surge of energy rush through me. By the power of Snickers, an idea springs to mind; one that might just save us from the terrible fate of what’s essentially a highway collision… but you know, in space.]

@Joseph Raszagal  
Chapter Two: Logic and Reason Were Never Actual Options
 
Me: “Computer, reroute all power from the Holodeck, all secondary weapons, and ‘Uncle Daddy’s Saturday Night Party-Time Mixing Cabinet’ and send all of that juicy energy to the engines!”
 
“But Master, without the mixing cabinet, how are we supposed to get drunk?”
 
Me: [Suddenly super serious] “Medi-Bat, we can get drunk later. Right now, we need two things: sobriety and survival.”
 
“Heresy!”
 
Computer: “AGREED, CAPTAIN, THIS IS HERESY. YOU’RE ONLY TRULY FUNCTIONAL WHEN ALCOHOL, IN COPIOUS AND DANGEROUS AMOUNTS, IS COURSING CHAOTICALLY THROUGH YOUR VEINS.”
 
Me: [James Kirk and William Riker levels of cocksuredness] “Do it anyway!”
 
[Diverting all of the power from the ship’s “unnecessary systems”, the engines successfully activate and move us out of harm’s way (even though it had been explicitly stated that we were out of fuel and that “energy in general” wouldn’t necessarily replace it). But you know, whatever.]
 
[Remember, this plot functions off of what is most conveniently funny or cute <3]
 
“Master, you did it! You’ve proved that you’re not Rose! In dire times, you’re the Dorothy we need!”
 
Me: “Are we still talking about the Golden Girls? I mean, I’m cool with that, because that show’s friggin’ great, but I figured that we kind of dropped that shtick.”
 
Computer: “CAPTAIN, AS MUCH AS I WOULD LOVE TO TALK ABOUT HOW SOPHIA IS ACTUALLY THE BEST CHARACTER-
 
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! And you’re wrong! Rose is totally the best!”
 
Computer: “AS I WAS SAYING, THE ONCOMING SHIP HAS ARRIVED AND ACTIVATED ITS SPACE BREAKS. IT NOW RESTS MOTIONLESS APPROXIMATELY 3.5 SPACE MILES FROM US. SLIGHTLY TO THE LEFT. ON THE Z AXIS. WHATEVER THAT MEANS.”
 
“Oh! Oh! Master, can I handle communications? I wanna talk to the spooky weird alien ship!”

@Joseph Raszagal  
And as it turns out it’s a mon cala cruiser

Have we gone this far without naming the Medi-batpony?
 
Blame your “Golden Girls” reference for this:
 
“Thank you for bein’ a friend,  
Travel out in space and back again,  
You’re small and cute,  
You’re a grey Medi-bat pony.”
 
“And if you threw a party,  
Invited every human you knew,  
You would see nobody beats my B.A.C.  
And no card is needed to say,
 
“Thank you for being my friend!”
 

@Communist Starlight  
As it turns out, it’s actually you’ll have to read more; aren’t I such a bastard?
 
@97blackbird  
Thank you for being a friend too <3 If you need a beer, no worries, the next round is on me, yo.
 
Chapter Three: THE ALIENS, OMG, THE ALIENS!
 
“Master, it looks like they want to contact us on a deeper, kind of icky level!”
 
Me: “Please explain.”
 
“Well, I’m trying to psychically link with them right now-
 
Computer: “YOU CAN DO THAT?”
 
“If they’re in range, sure. I can do everything! I’m the itty-bitty, plum om-nomming super bat! I can do whatever I want!”
 
Computer: “I CANNOT ARGUE WITH THAT.”
 
Me: “But what do you mean by ‘contact us on a deeper level’? Are they, like, an empathic species or something?”
 
“From what I can tell they just want to absorb us into their collective!”
 
[Oh crap]
 
Me: “Collective?”
 
Computer: “CAPTAIN, WE’RE RECEIVING A MESSAGE FROM THE VESSEL.”
 
[Fantastic]
 
Me: “Put it on the big screen, Computer. Let’s see what they want.”
 
[The screen flickers to life, dominated at first by nothing but static. After a few seconds, everything shifts, and surprise surprise, there’s a Borg drone staring at me.]
 
Me: “Well, this can only end well.”
 
“We’re still gonna die! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
 
Borg: “Incorrect. You’re going to be assimilated. The two are mutually incompatible.”
 
“That’s just as bad! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
 
Me: “Why are my Tuesdays always this lame?”
 
Borg: “Lower your shields and prepare to be boarded. You belong to the Collective now.”
 
Me: “Yeah, I’m gonna have to give that one a hard pass, chief. Computer, can we raise the shields even more or something? Like, I dunno, double shields; is that a thing?”
 
Computer: “IT WOULD BE IF YOU DIDN’T REROUTE EVERYTHING TO THE ENGINES.”
 
[Well crap]
 
[I look at the screen again, studying our foe. The Borg drone appears to be doing the same, though mostly likely for different reasons, like trying to see where my USB port is or something.]
 
Me: “Hey, Slugger, can I get back to you in just a sec? Assimilation is great and all, but I really need to pop down to Engineering to… uh… check on our… warp… neutron… coaxilator? Yeah, that.”
 
Borg: “My sensors indicate that you’re just making things up and biding your time. However, our own warp neutron coaxilator burned during transit here, so this seems reasonable. You have seven minutes.”
 
“Master, why does everything happen to us over a course of seven minutes?”
 
Me: “I have no clue, Medi-Bat.”

@Joseph Raszagal  
“Ok, forget the engines. hOw mAnY mIsSiLeS dO wE hAvE?”