Alternate Endings and Deleted Scenes: Warp the show for fun and profit!

Surf and/or Turf
 
Sweetie Belle: “You forgot the cons. Dark, wet, sea monsters…”
 
Scootaloo: “I don’t remember any sea monsters.”
 
Sweetie Belle: “How about that one right there?”
 
Steven Magnet: “Who, me?”
 
Terramar: “I don’t think he’s from around here, actually.”
 
Steven Magnet: “You got me. Total tourist. What gave it away, the anemone shirt or the airproof camera? …Say, you wouldn’t know the way to Black Skull Island, would you?”
 
Terramar: “Just head north and you can’t miss it, it’s the big black island shaped like a skull.”
 
Steven Magnet: “Oh! Well, that makes sense. Thanks a lot, ta ta!” (Dives underwater and swims off)
 
Scootaloo: “He seemed nice.”
 
Sweetie Belle: (Growls softly.)
 

 
The Parent Map
 
Firelight: “It’s so good to have you home, pumpkin!”
 
Starlight: “Dad, do you even have any idea what I’ve been up to while I’ve been away?!”
 
Firelight: “I’m sure it was something wonderful. Why don’t you tell me all about it?”
 
Starlight: “Well, for starters, I was a psychotic cult leader who took away ponies’ cutie marks and locked them in a huge cutie mark vault!”
 
Firelight: “That’s actually pretty impressive.”
 
Starlight: “WHAT?!”
 
Firelight: “Don’t get me wrong, gumdrop, you’d still be grounded for a whole year if you tried that under my roof. But starting your own cult? That takes vision, charisma, and a lot of leadership skills, not to mention a knack for planning. And taking off a pony’s cutie mark? The last time I checked, nopony even thought that was possible! I always knew you’d do something amazing!”
 
Starlight: “Oh, for the love of… Can you stop being such a DAD about this for TWO MINUTES?!”
 
Firelight: “Afraid not, sugarplum. Sorry.”

@Scrounge  
At least Firelight supports his daughter. Even in her less wonderful decisions.

@Ardashir  
He reminds me a little of Dash’s parents. Just a little.

The Break Up Breakdown
 
||(Big Macintosh grumbles)  
Spike: You said it, Big Mac. This is taking forever! I know it’s wrong to cut corners with gifts from the heart, but…it’s an emergency, right?  
Mac: Eeyup.  
Spike: Discord! Discord? Little help?  
(Big Macintosh whispers something to which Spike agrees)  
Spike: ahem. Captain Wuzz! Are you prepared to enter the world of “Ogres and Oubliettes”!? Wow, Big Mac, I can’t believe you conveyed that whole plan to me in the half-second of whispering.  
Mac: Eee-I’m efficient.  
(Discord shows up in his Wuzz duds)  
Discord: Huzzah, fellow adventurers! Shall we storm the ramparts of Squizard’s castle to reclaim Calico’s Ring of Imperceptibility? (beat) You did summon me for a rousing guys…  
(Spike and Mac snicker)  
Discord: Not ‘arousing guys’! A…! Rousing..! Guys’ night of “Ogres and Oubliettes”, did you not?  
Spike: No, I just lied to you so you’d make this pie be more cooked.  
Discord: You called upon the Lord of Chaos for that? That’s so…petty and nothing.  
Spike: What were you doing before I called?  
Discord: Conjuring glasses of chocolate milk and drinking the glass. …Okay, fine, so I’m not entirely averse to little things. So, baking pies, eh?  
Spike Uh-huh. It needs to be done quick so Big Mac can mail it to Sugar Belle by Hearts and Hooves Day.  
Discord: Or you could bake it the normal way and I could just teleport it there. And who the heck mails a pie, anyway? By the time it gets there, you’ll be lucky if it’s only squashed and cold.  
Spike: I dunno. Using unholy chaos magic kinda goes against the spirit of the holiday, don’tcha think?  
Discord: Oh, do forgive me for questioning the sanctity of your Hoofmark-holiday of pointlessness.  
Spike: (sigh) Discord, every pony holiday has an ulterior motive. Hearts and Hooves Day is for selling cards, Nightmare Night is for selling candy. The Summer Sun Celebration is for selling you sunscreen, shades and wide-brimmed hats. Just because there’s tie-in merch doesn’t mean it’s not fun. You can line some card-baron’s pockets and celebrate love.  
Discord: Well, I don’t do either of those things, because I don’t feel romantic love! Also, I make my own greeting cards.  
Spike: You don’t love anything? What about Fluttershy?  
Discord: Of course not. She’s just a boo- tea call. Ah? Aaahh? No one? Well, I thought it was funny. Anyway, Flutterhy and I are just-  
many fans INLOVEINLOVEINLOVEINLOVEINLOVEINLOVEYOUCAN’TCONVINCEMEOTHERWISEINLOVEINLOVE!!!  
Discord: …friends.  
many fans: He’s just lying, the ship remains!  
Mac: Ah’m more of a Dislestia fan m’self.  
Discord: Please stop shipping me like I’m not here. Or at all. Wasn’t there something I was supposed to be baking?  
Spike: I thought you didn’t want to.  
Discord: If it steers the topic away from me making out with a friend who I don’t think of in that way, I’ll do it with glee. (costume change)  
(Ker-Bake! Big Mac puts the invite into the pie, boxes it and starts to run off)  
Discord: Wait, wait! (Big Macintosh stops) Quick, make a request I’d never agree to!  
Big Macintosh: uh…kiss Fluttershy?  
Discord: I don’t think so. (bops him with a sockful of nickels) Cordie don’t play that!  
Spike: Oh my gosh! Big Mac, are you okay!?  
Discord: Am I the only one who remembers that show? Or was ever aware of it?  
Mac: uuuUUuhhhgg…  
Spike: I think he’s got a concussion!  
Discord: Well, I guess it was before your time, and not in your plane of reality. Oh, well.  
Mac: ee…mom? dad?
 
(theme)
 
Nurse Redheart: Are you Macintosh’s family?  
Applejack: Yes! How is he, nurse?  
Nurse Redheart: I’m afraid he’s…passed on.  
Discord: No! No, we’re not re-writing it that much. (snaps his paw-toes, goes back in time and only hits Big Macintosh with a sockful of goldfish) Cordie don’t play that _{not that you appreciate the gag.}  
Mac: …eee-gross. (he leaves)  
Discord: So, anyway, how can you all sit around pretending love is real when it so clearly isn’t?  
Spike: What are you talking about? Ponies fall in love all the time.  
Discord: They think they do. But love is actually nothing more than chemicals in the brain.  
Spike: So are all our perceptions, experiences and selves.  
Discord: Yes, but I can disprove the love ones!  
Spike: How?  
Discord: I’ll show you.
 
(Derpy does cute Derpy things and no one, not even some scene re-writing punk like me can take that from her. her co-workers kind of prove Discord right about teleporting over mail.)
 
Apple Bloom: Hear ye, hear ye! This meetin’ of the Crusaders is now in session! So, Ah was thinkin’ Sugar Belle would be more likely to slip mah brother the tongue if we had some streamers and…Hello?  
Sweetie Belle: It seems like everypony’s got a special somepony, except us.  
Scootaloo: When’s it gonna be our turn?  
Apple Bloom: Who do either of you know who has a special somepony?  
Sweetie: Well…Big Mac, for one. And, um…Sugar Belle. Oh, and the Cakes!  
Apple Bloom: Married couples don’t count, they’re a different thing than special someponies.  
Scootaloo: Don’t forget Lyra and…  
the network: A-hem!?  
Scootaloo: …and her harp.  
Apple Bloom: And..?  
Scootaloo: …  
Sweetie: …twilight and that guy in the other world?  
Apple Bloom: The one she ain’t seen nor mentioned in years?  
Sweetie: …okay, fine.  
Scootaloo: Still, I wouldn’t mind just a little romance in my life.  
(knock on the door. the mailpony gives up the pie.)  
Apple Bloom: Is that a bell? Like, ‘belle’?  
Sweetie: I’m a like, Belle! Only Sweetie-er! Girls, do you know what this means!?  
Scootaloo: That this kind of love is about to pass me by like the others?  
Sweetie: Validation of my assumed attractiveness!!  
Apple Bloom: It better not be that jelly guy again.  
Sweetie Belle/Scootaloo/a passing Silver Spoon: No, that’s not his hoof-writing.
 
Spike: (sighs) Look at all these ponies about to get their respective freaks on out of respect for tradition more than actual desire. Doesn’t it prove that love is real?  
Discord: With that wording, do you even think it counts?  
Spike: no, no I don’t. But, as a great dragon bard…  
Discord: it’s you, isn’t it?  
Spike: …once wrote to his beloved…  
Discord: gag!  
Spike: ‘All I know is that to me, you look like you’re lots of fun. Open up those loving legs. I want some… _{want some’}.  
Discord: …lovely, and has Rarity ever said anything like that to you?  
Spike: uh…she rhymes my name with ‘wikey’ sometimes. That’s kind of like a poem.  
Discord: Spike, I’m not normally one to discuss the law in a positive way, but you do realize that if she ever made a move on you, she’d be arres-  
Spike: Oh, hey, Sugar Belle is coming, and right when you were about to say nothing important, hide! (they do) You too, conveniently-passing Big Mac. (he does, too)  
Sugar Belle: So, I’m going to tell Big Macintosh that I never want to see him again, I always hated his apple-filled guts and I’ve joined Feather Bangs’ harem of girlfriends who do stuff. To his wiener.  
Mrs. Cake: Try to spin that one as a misunderstanding, writers!  
Discord: Dear God!  
Spike: Dear who?  
Discord: Oh, just a golfing buddy of mine, likes to be kept up-to-date on this sort of thing. So hey, this seems like a good time for some O&O, huh!?  
Spike: Can’t you take a minute to care about your heart-broken friend? And also to admit that this much sadness proves love is real? _{just, not for him anymore.}
 
(Big Mac is crying and drinking)  
Spike: Maybe it sounds worse than it is! Maybe…maybe it’s a different Big Macintosh! It’s gotta be a pretty popular name, right? although that does mean she’s seeing at least one pony besides you. uh…oh! What if she was just being sarcastic for the benefit of nopony but herself? That’s…pretty possible. Or it might be slang from her village? Like, “hey, how much do you love yo BF?” “yo, I love him so much, I hate him and do stuff with some other pony’s wiener!” And there, that means, like, whoa, that much?, when’s the wedding? _Y-y’know?  
Discord: I’ll handle this. Big Mac, we’re…friends, right?  
Mac: eeyup.  
many fans: They said they were friends, ship ’em!!  
Discord: should have seen that coming. Anyway, what I’m about to say, I say as your very platonic friend: Have you considered hooking up with the magically-reanimated remains of a dead mare who has rotted away to a skeleton and is now an unwilling slave to evil?  
Mac: …briefly.  
Discord: Well, there you go! Come on. (snaps his fingers. the scene becomes one about the CMCs) Whoops. This edit kind of made it look like we were going to where these three children are, didn’t it? Silly me. (snaps again and they vanish)  
Apple Bloom: aaaanyway… Hey, Pipsqueak, do you wanna get with Sweetie Belle!?  
Pipsqueak: No, but I could really use some help asking out…  
Apple Bloom: ‘kay, thanks anyway!  
Scootaloo: Hey, Button, did you send Sweetie Belle a pie?  
Button: Who the hay is Sweetie Belle?  
Sweetie: Hey, Snips and/or Snails. So, I know you both want me super badly, but did either of you grow a pair and act on it?  
Snips/Snails: uh, no?  
Sweetie: WHEW!! Oh, thank Celestia neither of you made any kind of romantic gesture toward me! Can you imagine what others would say if they knew you gross future-incels touched a thing I touched!? Revolting! Anyway, bye, you unlovable piles of crap.  
Snips: Well, that was discouraging.  
Snails: Yeah. …hey Snips, who was that?
 
Discord: Sir McBiggen, meet Skelenor. She’s a level 18 bone-warrior…  
Squizard: Yeah she is!  
(end of part one) ||

The Break Up Breakdown
 
|| (part two. i had a lot to say about this one)  
Scootaloo: I don’t get it. We asked every stallion in Ponyville.  
Apple Bloom: You mean, every colt.  
Scootaloo: I’m very thorough.  
Apple Bloom: Gross. There’s gotta be somethin’ we’re missing. Somepony obvious, right in front of our noses. (camera shifts to show Big Macintosh behind the hay)  
Discord: That’s an…odd angle for what little yellow is saying…  
Sweetie: Well, at least the barn is looking good for Big Mac’s date.  
tiny discord: too bad there won’t be a date.  
Scootaloo: Where’d that hay-bale with the big eyebrows go? And do you girls hear someone saying ‘She broke mah heart’ and an angry ‘eeyup!’? (the others shake their heads) Oh, guess I’m hearing things.
 
Sugar Belle: I promise; no mix-ups. (Big Macintosh teleports in) Sudden Big Mac! I will in no way question your mode of travel!  
Mac: Sugar Belle, we need t’talk.  
Sugar: wow, that does sound really bad.  
Mac: I…you…  
Sugar: What is it?  
Mac: …everypony who’s datin’ Big Macintosh, take a step forward. (Sugar smiles and raises a hoof) Ah, ah, not so fast, Sugar Belle.  
Sugar: I don’t understand. Are we breaking up? And why are you making that reference?  
Mac: Because Ah overheard what you an’ mrs. Cake were sayin’ before. About you an’ Feather Bangs’…wiener.  
Sugar: Ooooh.  
Mac: Somethin’ you wanna tell me?  
Sugar: …no, that pretty much covers it. Whew, I was afraid you’d be mad instead of just devastated! Anyway, see ya when I need apples.
 
Mac: y’all should go.  
Spike: Did ya…did she…are you…is he…should they…which did..?  
Mac: Stop it.  
Apple Bloom: Big Mac? What’s goin’ on? Where’s Sugar Belle?  
Mac: Just go.  
Sweetie: But my thing.  
Mac: Ah’m havin’ a real bad day today, so please, just leave me to it.  
Sweetie: But my thing.  
Mac: Sweetie Belle, please, Ah just…please…  
Sweetie: But my thing!  
Mac: It’s a real nice chart an’ Ah hope whoever it is that likes ya deserves ya, because Ah sincerely wish you well in life okay!? (everyone stares in shock, Sweetie wells up) sorry.  
Sweetie: s’cool. sorry things went so badly for you.  
Mac: s’cool.  
Sweetie: Did it feel good to get it out?  
Mac: Actually…yeah.  
Sweetie: Wanna give it another go?  
Mac: eenope, Ah think Ah’m alright.  
Sweetie: Aw, come on, one more? Really let me have it. Tell me I’m scum!  
Mac: …Ah gotta go!  
Spike: Big Mac! Where ya goin’!?  
Mac: Away from Sweetie Belle, on account’a she’s creepin’ me out!
 
Mac: Ah know Ah don’t talk much, but Ah got somethin’ t’say. Even though you hurt me real, real bad by usin’ me for labor, free display cases, discount apples…pretty much everythin’ but the physical stuff, ultimately, Ah’m glad Ah knew ya. ‘Cause otherwise, Ah’d be dang near thirty and only ever rubbed noses with another pony when we was drugged. That ain’t no life for a pony. So thank you for makin’ me a little less pathetic.  
Sugar: Look, Big Mac. I really didn’t want to break up with you, because I like you so-so much. But I had to say something really, really horrible-sounding to make the reveal that it was all a rom-com misunderstanding plot less predictable. But then once I said it, nobody could think of anything it could be other than what it sounded like. The best mrs. Cake and I could come up with was that ‘harem’ was a Saddle Arabian word that meant ‘not one of’ and that we were walking Feather Bangs’ dachshunds. Which would have been stupid and super-unsatisfying to the viewer.  
Mac: hmm…How about you was tryin’ t’play an April Foals joke on me because your calendar got messed up in a baking accident?  
Sugar: Oh, you’re the best very special somepony ever! (TV-Y rated not-kissing)  
Mac: Seriously, you didn’t..?  
Sugar: Ew, no. (more TV-Y rated not-kissing)
 
Spike: Well, it’s too bad I couldn’t get you to say you accept love as a real thing.  
Discord: It was a losing battle to begin with. My MGTOW-Fu is too strong.  
Sweetie: Is that what you two were doing? I can make Discord say he’s down with love like that.  
Discord: Oh, really? This, I’ve gotta see.  
(“I Believe in a Thing Called Love” by the Darkness plays)  
Sweetie: ♫Whoa-oh, touchin’ you-OOO-oooooo.♫  
Discord: no..!  
Spike: ♫Whoa-oh, touchin’ me, EEEE-eee.♫  
Discord: that’s not fair.  
Sweetie/Spike: ♫Whoa-oh, touchin’ you, ‘cause you’re touchin’ meee!♫  
Sweetie: ♫I believe in a thing called love!♫  
Spike: (falsetto) ♫Just listen to the rhythm of my heeeart!♫  
Sweetie: ♫There’s a chance we can make it, now!♫  
Spike: (falsetto) ♫We can rock it ‘til the sun goes dooown!♫  
Discord: (metal falsetto wail!) ♫I believe in a thing called _loooooooove!! Ooooo-ooo’oo oo!♫_  
Discord/Sweetie/Spike: Guitar! (Rarity plays a kick-ass solo on an acoustic guitar, because she can do that, Discord gives the camera a big space-squid destroyin’ thumbs up)  
Spike/Discord: Best love song!  
Sweetie: Nopony can resist that one.  
Mac: Guess what, me’n Sugar Belle figured out an excuse for all that stuff she said and now we’re back together! Also, that note you girls found was from me, to her, but the name got all smudged in shipping, makin’ your whole day a wasted effort and dashed hopes. And Ah missed the song. Kind of a mixed bag for Hearts an’ Hooves Day this year.  
Apple Bloom: How did a quick hoof-touch smudge the label but being submerged in apple-syrup left the note incredibly-legible?  
Spike: Well, now that you’re on-board with love, I guess you’ll be paying Fluttershy a visit, eh, Discord?  
Discord: Yes. Right after you allow Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash and Applejack to find you on a bed with a rose in your mouth and that look in your eye.  
Spike: What? No, me and them aren’t…oooooh, you’re saying you can like a pony without being in love with them.  
Discord: You’ve known that for years!  
Spike: Yeah, but…  
Spike/Discord: …shipping goggles.  
Discord: Yes, yes, they place delusions before your eyes and cause you to overlook who a character is for the sake of the ship, can we please play some O&O now!?  
Spike: Ha ha ha. We sure can, Discord. We suuuure can. Because you don’t have a date.  
Discord: Neither do you.  
Spike: Hey, I’ve got my eye on someone and, like you said, Rarity can’t date me.  
Discord: That’s actually kind of sad, when you put it like that.  
Spike: eh, maybe a little. Liking someone like this is a blessing and a curse. It’s nice to have someone who makes me feel the way Rarity does. but sometimes i wish i had someone kind of like her but closer to my age to go out with on holidays. Or, any night of the year would be fine.  
Sweetie: I know what you mean. I spent the whole day trying to find someone I thought liked me, but found out nobody does. I mean, I’m alright, but the whole thing kind of reminded me that…sometimes, i can get a little bit…lonely.  
(Discord and Spike teleport to O&O land)  
Spike: Did you catch what Sweetie Belle was saying?  
Discord: *There is no Sweetie Belle here, boy! Only battle and imagination running wild!*||

Luna Eclipsed
 
Applejack: “Maybe y’all should use your inside voice?”
 
Luna: “THIS IS OUR INSIDE VOICE.”
 

 
 
School Daze - Part 1
 
Fluttershy: “This way, Angel!”
 
Silverstream: “Professor Fluttershy! We’re busted!”
 
(Ocellus turns into Rarity)
 
Fluttershy: “Oh, my! What are you all doing? Aren’t classes that way?”
 
“Rarity”: “Ah—” (Clears throat) “A generosity field trip, daaaaarling.” (Giggles) “I’m taking the students to the lake to look at our divine reflections.”
 
Fluttershy: “…Ocellus, is that you?”
 
“Rarity”: “What? Why ever would you ask such a thing, darling?”
 
(Fluttershy isn’t buying it)
 
“Rarity”: “…Do I at least get points for effort?” (Turns back into Ocellus)
 
Gallus: “Someone said something about ‘busted’ not too long ago?”
 
Silverstream: “Me!”
 
Fluttershy: “I’m not sure what you were all thinking, but you should know better than to wander off without a responsible adult.”
 
Sandbar: “Fair point, but…”
 
Fluttershy: “No buts. I’m going with you.”
 
Smolder: “Well that’s just… Wait, what?”
 
Gallus: “You’re ditching too? For real?”
 
Fluttershy: “I wouldn’t put it quite like that…”
 
(Angel raises an eyebrow.)
 
Fluttershy: “…But, uh, yes.”
 
Yona: “Ha ha! Even pony sick of pony school!”
 
Smolder: “We’re headed to the lake. It’ll probably look better if you lead the way.”
 
Fluttershy: “Good point. All right, everycreature, follow me, single file!”
 
Gallus: “Quick question: If you’re with us, who’s running your class?”
 
Fluttershy: “Don’t worry, my animal friends know just what to do in case I don’t show up.”
 
(Cut to: The substitute teacher, Prof. Harry t. Bear, complete with spectacles and suit jacket.)

Molt Down
 
Rarity: I do appreciate you showing me the way to the phoenix’s nest, Spike.  
Spike: Anything for you, Rarity.  
(she gives him a look that says she’s glad he understands his place in the world)  
Rarity: He really was an excellent pet. Can’t imagine why you set him free. He could have been your flying servant, and by extension, my flying servant. I mean, secondary helper.  
Spike: It’s cool, I know what I am.  
Rarity: Is something wrong with your face?  
Spike: _{your plot’s not resting on it.}  
Rarity: What?  
Spike: Stone scale. It’s not interesting or plot-driving, just painful.  
Rarity: Oh. Well, if it’s not important, just have Zecora address it. For now, help me shake some feathers off of your friend, would you?  
Spike: Sure, but where is he? …oh, look, there’s Peewee’s parents!  
Phoenixes: Sqwak!  
Spike: And there’s Pee-Wee’s Playhouse!  
Chairy: ♪C’mon iiiin, and pull yourself up a chaaaiir!♪  
Spike: And there’s the Peewee who was never caught whackin’ it in semi-public!  
Rarity: interesting that you made sure to note he wasn’t caught…  
(shake-shake-shake. Spike found Phoenix Down x2!)  
Rarity: Thank you. …oh, that’s right, dragons are burn-resistant, aren’t they?  
Spike: Against non-comedic fires, yes. Wait, you just remembered that?  
Rarity: um…oh, look, precious pants, a theme song!  
Spike: sometimes, i can’t tell if your terms of endearment for me show that you consider me a child or if it’s something else.
 
(theme song. DJ Blank-Sl8…I mean, Pon-3 struts around, enjoying her easily-won popularity. Discord suns himself in the background, leading Dislestia shippers to be more confident in their OTP than ever before)
 
Rarity: My, what a fetching ensemble you’ve put together. I believe Shadow Spade would approve.  
Spike thanks.  
Rarity: But I wonder if you wouldn’t mind taking it off.  
Spike: L-lord Magistrate..!  
Rarity: I need a model to fit dresses for ponies and even though you’re incredibly not suited for it, you’re doing it.  
Spike: i…Rarity, I love you.  
Rarity: uuuh, what? I suddenly can’t hear you because… of some reason, probably! Anyway, model dresses for me! Emasculating you will make me laugh! _{this lasty person writes me horribly! do i really come across like this?}  
Spike: (gives her a ‘eeeeh, sorta’ gesture, then gets back into character) I-I can’t. I have to…lead a tour of the school.  
Pinkie: Sweet, I’mma go do bizarre things with pastries all day!
 
Spike: Classrooms are that way, unh! Dorms are that way, guh! And the teacher’s lounge is…aw, crap, I didn’t need to lie to Rarity about going to see Zecora at all, did I? It was her idea, so if anything, she would have been pleased with my obedience.
 
Smolder: If you’re trying to hide, you need to do a better job. I just had to follow the trail of smoke.  
Spike: _{running gag to pad out the episode!}  
Smolder: What?  
Spike: _{running gag, to pad out the episode!}  
Smolder: I didn’t hear what you just said, because it was very quiet. Was it ‘runny eggs, topaz outtie yappy slowed’?  
Spike: _{running gag to pad out the episode!}  
Smolder: ‘Runic slags to patio teeth epic load’?  
(this goes on for some time)  
Spike: _{i said, ’running g} -AG TO PAD OUT THE EPISODE!!!  
Smolder: Oh. I think you’re doing dragon-puberty. Or ‘molting’, if you wanna be indirect about it. It’s itchy, painful, your voice gets all jacked up and you smell awful. Predators love it.  
Pinkie: Saaaay, what’s that interesting smell?  
Spike: I choose not to dwell on what Pinkie enjoying this predator-luring scent says about her.  
Smolder: You know, when dragons smell that, we reject the one going through it.  
Spike: That means Twilight will kick me out!  
Smolder: Does it?  
Spike: I don’t know! Yes!?  
Smolder: Eh, if it pushes the plot forward.  
Pinkie: Seriously, I’m sniffing you.
 
Rarity: Oh, Zecora! I need you to mix me up a potion that will cure my… _{wait, is spike around?}  
Zecora: A lot of things, I have here in mounds. Among them, Spike is nowhere to be found.  
Rarity: Oh, good. Listen, Spike’s finally gotten up the nerve to declare his intentions. I think playing deaf is working, but eventually, he’ll stop buying it. Do you have any love-erasing potion?  
Zecora: For destroying love, I’ve got the loot. And in a variety of flavors, to boot.  
Rarity: Flavors? But, why?  
Zecora: For entertainment only, if you’re wearing a wire. _{if not, for effective stealth-drugging, it’s required.}
 
Roc: (snarling and sniffing. perhaps overdoing it a bit…) W-! What’s that ssssMell!?  
Spike: P-P- Pubertyyyyyy!  
Roc: _{… puberty!?}  
Spike: -yyy-hee-hee-heeee-heeeeeee!  
Roc: Stop that! It’s starting to sound… familiar.  
Spike: -heeeeeee!
 
(Spike grows wings. everyone looks expectantly at Scootaloo)  
Scootaloo: …what?  
Fan Proxy: Reference the meme, Scootaloo!  
Scootaloo: But…but Spike just changed for the better. I’m happy for him.  
Fan Proxy: Just say the thing!!  
Scootlaoo sigh. …oh, look, someone else who learned to fly before me, I’m so jealous.  
many fans: Yay!!  
several fans: Quickly, to Photoshop!
 
Spike: So, you’re kicking me out, right? Because you work like dragons do?  
Twilight: (like in The Happening) Whaaat? Noooo.  
Spike: But Smolder said you might.  
Twilight: Smolder also said I have a gigantic rump. She’s often wrong.  
Spike: …  
Rarity: …  
Zecora: …  
burnt Roc: …  
Twilight: She’s! Often! Wrong! And I’m not throwing you out.  
Spike: But I’m growing up! You hate that!  
Twilight: True, I didn’t put that anti-aging spell on Equestria just for poots and giggles. But I don’t want you to leave. Because you know my filing system!  
Spike: The trick is that it’s nonsense.  
Twilight: Now, come on. Ride me all the way home, big boy!  
Spike: I suddenly realize why ponies look at us weird whenever I ride you.  
Twilight: You really are growing up. _{lousy ineffective spell…}

Molt Down
 
Twilight: “Spike, did you just suddenly get a pair of wings from a magical deus ex machina?”
 
Spike: “Um… Maybe?”
 
(Twilight grabs Spike and hugs the ever-living horseapples out of him, weeping tears of joy.)
 
Twilight: “I’m so PROUD! My little boy is growing up just like his mommy!”
 

 
 
@lasty  

 
She can be happy for him and jealous of him at the same time. Admittedly, Scootaloo trying to sort out her conflicted emotions wouldn’t exactly make for a snappy punchline, but still.

NON-COMPETE CLAUSE  
DELETED SCENE
 
chancellor neighsay: (smiling smugly and waggling the eea’s safety regulations manual as yona is given cpr after nearly drowning)  
applejack: NOT ONE WORD!

The Mean Six
 
Copy-Rarity: Everything I see belongs to me! I am greedy and not especially generous!  
Copy-Applejack: Dishonesty, dishonesty. Lahs, lahs, lahs.  
Copy-Fluttershy: I don’t care about the feelings of others. I’m not kind enough for that. Ha ha, misery!  
Copy-Pinkie: Nothing is fun to me. Boredom all around.  
Discord: Really, Chrysalis? Making the mane six work for you with inverted virtues? My gosh, how did you come up with that?  
Chrysalis: It was totally my own plan! (Discord shows her a film-strip of when he did something similar) …did you turn their cutie marks upside-down?  
Discord: Well, no.  
Chrysalis: See? Totally original plan, do not steal!
 
(the real mane six are arguing)  
Twilight: Everypony, shut your gobs! (they do) Now, Fluttershy. You said Rainbow flew away without caring that you were lost. But doesn’t it seem strange that she’d leave you emotionally invalidated?  
Fluttershy: No.  
Twilight: uh, okay. Well, Starlight. Applejack was telling blatant lies and laughing at her own family’s stuff. I mean, honesty and family is like two-thirds of all she’s got. Weren’t you a bit suspicious about that?  
Starlight: Nope!  
Twilight: …huh. How about you, Applejack and Rainbow Dash? Rarity being greedy? Like, ‘look out, Spike’s about to grow, call a roofer’ greedy. Raise any flags?  
Applejack: Not a’one.  
Rainbow: Why would it? That’s her thing.  
Twilight: It’s the opposite of her thing! Unless we’re talking about Spike’s time, in which case, yeah, she’ll take all she can get.  
Rarity: _{seriously, what is lasty’s objection to me letting spike assist me when he asks?}  
Pinkie Pie: _{probably just playing it up for comedy.}  
Rarity: _{were these meant to be funny? i-i had no idea.}  
Twilight: Pinkie. You said I looked angry when I quizzed you on the Tree of Harmony. But you know that quizzes to me are like weight-lifting was to Arnold Schwarzenegger. You can’t tell me that didn’t make you wonder about what was going on.  
Pinkie: Sure, I can! Because it didn’t. Your scowling face and frustrated-over-nothing tone were just par for the course with you!  
(the others agree)  
Twilight: …we’re not very close friends, are we? Well, I was gonna say the lesson was that we need to be vigilant and figure out some kind of plan for if we suspect one of us isn’t on the up-and-up. But I guess I’ll just say “do you just wanna go home?” and call it a moral.
 
Copy-Twilight: Follow me, girls. Once we get the Elements of Harmony, we can take down Chrysalis! We can murder her with rainbows and seize power from her! We’ll totally dump her body in a river! Nobody will ever know! Then, we’ll have all the power! Since we kept it all for ourselves! She’s gonna lose it all!  
Chrysalis: No, You! (kills them)  
Copy-Twilight: Arrrgh, how did she figure out my devious plans to betray her and keep the power of the Elements!?  
Chrysalis: Will you stop making my handiwork look bad with your ceaseless confessing!?
 
(the mane eight minus Spike sit around a campfire, toasting marshmallows)  
Rarity: the horror…  
Starlight: Say, Twilight? I’m curious. What’s to stop some other ponies from using the Elements of Harmony?  
Twilight: Literally nothing.  
Starlight: So…anypony could just…  
Twilight: …waltz right in and use them for their own purposes, beneficial to Equestria or otherwise? Yup-yup! And technically, it doesn’t have to be a pony. Anycreature can take and use them. For whatever.  
Starlight: but they can’t hurt non-bad guys, right? (Twilight shrugs) I see. So, I’ll be having nightmares tonight.  
Rainbow: Well, I’m not gonna sleep with you. (the others look at her) What? I slept with the last pony to have nightmares while camping, someone else can have this one.

Fun alternate there, but am I mistaken or are the Elements incapable of being used for evil ends?
 
Didn’t they say or strongly imply that at some point during the show’s run so far?

@Ardashir  
The Discorded mane 6 couldn’t use them. Is that it?

@Ardashir  
I don’t remember them saying it, but just in case…
 
Starlight: Say, Twilight? I’m curious. What’s to stop any old pony from using the Elements of Harmony?  
Rainbow: Should we be worried that you’re asking that?  
Starlight: No, why?  
Rainbow: No reason. (cough cough village of stolen cutie marks!)  
Twilight: Rainbow Dash! That was like three seasons ago.  
Rainbow: and sunset’s thing was a couple movies ago and it only lasted like a minute, but you guys still give her crap about it.  
Twilight: Anyway. The Elements are bonded with us, nopony else can use their magic. Not even the Pillars.  
(Chrysalis stops flying away, pauses, then zips to an inch from Twilight’s muzzle)  
Chrysalis: WHAT!? You mean I did all that for a plan that wouldn’t have even worked!?  
Twilight: Well, I don’t know what you did, but…yeah.  
Chrysalis: Aw, curse word!! (flies off in a huff)  
Pinkie: Boy, if I’d just spent about twenty minutes watching her do something like that for an idea that was never gonna pay off, I might feel like it was a waste of time. Unless it was funny. (looks at the camera) That’s for you all to decide.  
Chrysalis: (in the distance) _{cuuuuurse woooooord!!!”}

@Scrounge  
No, I thought it was either stated or strongly implied in some episode that the Elements couldn’t be used for evil ends. Well, as evil as this show can get.

@Ardashir  
I think the idea is that prospective bearers need to genuinely be friends to use them, which is why I think that Chrysalis and the clones’ plans to use them as weapons weren’t going to succeed in any event. They could barely stand each other.

Yakkity Sax
 
(theme song)
 
(Pinkie plays the thing. sounds bad)  
Applejack: Why is Pinkie Pie doin’ this to us!?  
Twilight: Playing her eurvittiphone?  
Applejack: Is that how ya spell that?  
Twilight: I dunno, it makes the sounds of the word. Anyway, it’s from Yakyakistan.  
Rainbow: of course it is.  
Twilight: Huh?  
Rainbow: Can you name two things from Yakyakistan that aren’t awful?  
Twilight: Yona’s okay.  
Rainbow: I’m in a charitable mood, so there’s one. Got another?  
Twilight: …..  
(a bird’s feathers explode. Fluttershy catches it and sets it down)  
Fluttershy: you’re on your own from here.  
Twilight: …so, the eurittiphone is supposed to sound different from this. But Pinkie just started, so let’s not hold that against her.  
the group: Acknowledged!
 
(Pinkie’s playing causes actual problems for her noteworthy friends and annoys everyone else and this might be a metaphor for some methods of activism.)
 
Twilight: Well, you saw the summary of events up there. Let’s go tell Pinkie to stop doing this.  
(they approach Pinkie, who’s now wearing horns and a cape)  
Rainbow: ugh. now she’s cosplaying as a yak?  
Fluttershy: hey now. cheech used to wear horns sometimes, too.  
Rainbow: How do you know who Cheech is?  
Fluttershy: uh…discord told me?  
Pinkie: Hey, everyone! Come to hear me play this thing I shouldn’t like because it sounds dreary and drives everypony away, but I love it more than anything anyway!?  
Rarity: Actually, yes. And I know a piece you should definitely play. Constantly! It’s called, um, “Concerto….c-Colander’s fifth…no, ninth symphony for, eh, that thing you’ve got.” It’s nothing but beats of silenece! We’d all love to hear that from your instrument!  
Pinkie: That kinda sounds like not playing at all.  
Rarity: Only to the untrained ear.  
Pinkie: And that kinda sounds like that story about the emperor’s new non-clothes.  
Rainbow: Let me try. Pinkie, you know we love you, in a non-shipping way. But that thing you play sucks! It sounds like an orgy in Silent Hill, nobody wants to be around you, you couldn’t be creating a more obvious disturbance, Sweet Apple Acres lost hundreds of bits because of it, you screwed up Rarity’s dress, you cost me first place..!  
Starlight: You erased my scenes from the episode.  
Rainbow: Thank you, disembodied Starlight voice. You’re being a problem for everyone, stop being a problem for everyone, Pinkie Pie!  
Pinkie: …‘kay! La la-la la-laaa!  
(Twilight and Fluttershy inhale)  
Rainbow: Girls, before you even start in on me about tact, was a single piece of what I said untrue or even exaggerated?  
Twilight: Actually, I was about to say I wouldn’t have minded you being a little less tactful. For you, that was downright diplomatic.  
Rainbow: Oh.  
Fluttershy: and i was about to ask if anyone wanted to hear me and angel bunny do “dave’s not here”.
 
Pinkie: and a-one…and a-two. and i don’t know what to do. (softly cries)  
trashpony drama queen!  
Pinkie: I just lost the most important thing in the world to…  
trashpony: drrrrama queeeeeeeeeen!!
 
Spike: So, have you noticed that getting Pinkie to ditch her thing isn’t stopping her from being a problem for others?  
Twilight: At least she’s quiet.  
Spike: Oh, believe me, I recognize that as a blessing. But what if she was quiet and happy?  
Rarity: I’d say that’s worth a shot.  
Spike: Oh, hey, Rarity.  
Rarity: Hello.  
Spike: Isn’t it weird how sometimes being around you is nice but not a big deal, and then other times, being within half a mile of you makes me a stuttering moron?  
Rarity: Very. Anyway, let’s have Pinkie do Pinkie things!  
the group: Acknowledged!  
(they do. it don’t work. Maud is hauling stuff)  
Twilight: Maud, can I ask you a question?  
Maud: You just did.  
Twilight: Yeah, ha-ha, fuck you, you know what I meant. Why are you hauling away Pinkie’s stuff?  
Maud: Pinkie is sad because you guys called her on being a problem. Apparently, being able to listen to that instrument is more important to her than being near all of you. Or keeping Sugarcube Corner afloat. Or removing travel time as a factor in saving Equestria. Or just not being able to cause ponies problems freely. Pinkie Pie can be pretty selfish at times. Like this time. So now she’s in Yakyakistan. Anyway, I’m taking all of this to the rock farm. No, the camera won’t follow me there.  
Rainbow: ugh..!
 
(Pinkie is all gray and in Yaksville. the rest of the ponies are one of those things. they find Pinkie sitting there ackin’ so cray-cray)  
Pinkie: Tell the musician to play whatever’s replaced “Crawling in my skin” but that nopony says ‘too soon’ about and bring me more ice cream.  
(the ponies act like they’re pushing through a dense crowd and the visuals contradict them)  
Applejack: Pinkie Pie? What’s goin’ on?  
Pinkie: if i can’t play the eurvittiphone, i don’t care about anything. but at least i can listen to the great players and get more depressed.  
Rainbow: (she grabs Pinkie’s cheeks) Pinkie Pie, you’re turning into a yak-weeb! The other day, you put on the horns and a cape and played a yak instrument in public! You picked up and moved here over an instrument you didn’t even know about until…what, an hour before you started blaring that horrible noise all over town!? I bet if this place made cartoons, you’d watch them all the time, wouldn’t you!?  
Pinkie: ummm, it’s called “yanime”! or it would be, if it existed.  
Rainbow: How are you this into yak culture!? Where are all the parties? The balloons? Where are colors, for Celestia’s sake!? Brown, white and gray? This is where you want to end up? This is where the super-duper party pony Pinkie Pie spends the rest of her days!? Didn’t you leave the rock farm for pretty much being like Yakyakistan? And this place doesn’t even have your family here! All it’s got is a buncha yaks who, I’m sorry, suck mule-balls! No offense!  
Mule: None taken.  
Rainbow: Now, cut this weepy crap, get pink, and get your balloon-festooned plot back to Ponyville, where there are ponies who want you around because they love you!!  
Pinkie: You got it, Rainbow Dash!  
the group: Yay!  
yak more worth giving a name than Fluttershy’s parents, apparently: Pink pony play thing again in front of yak.  
Pinkie: You got it, …you!  
(she plays. it’s bad. yaks cheer)  
Applejack: What!?  
Yigrid: Playng yurrvitaphone with happiness make playing perfect!  
Twilight: oh, that’s how you spell it.  
Rainbow: That’s not how music works, you stupid hunched-over wookies!!  
Rarity: um, Dashie?  
Rainbow: Sorry, sorry, still got some of that ‘put some sense into someone and solved a problem’ high running through me.  
Twilight: You know, Pinkie. I could probably teleport you to some remote location where you can practice and not ruin things for others wherever you go.  
Pinkie: And that’s how we’ll explain never showing me playing this thing ever again! Because we definitely won’t! It’s perfect!

@lasty  
Okay, that was a little barbed. Funny, but barbed.
 
Please consider that an observation only.

@Ardashir  
Admittedly, I didn’t feel good about the ”drama queen” bit. But I really wasn’t this episode’s biggest fan and I wrote the alternate scenes right after watching it.

A Matter of Principals
 
Discord: I wanna be headmare!  
Starlight: Why?  
Discord: Because not even the Lord of c#a0S is above the demands of the all-powerful Plot! and i don’t mean trixie’s posterior. Marmoset balloon!  
(he lets it float away)  
Marmoset: _{…the horror! the horror of being! p-… pop meeee!}
 
Discord: There! Now that I’ve made a mess of things, I’m sure to be made the new headmare!  
Starlight: You’d think so, but no.  
Discord: But why!?  
(everything around them is destroyed or disturbing because of him. Starlight raises an eyebrow)  
Discord: …what?  
Starlight: Do you wanna know why we never invite you to things? Because of this. All of this. The walking armor, the paintings that chase ponies. The glee you take in making everything a big problem as long as it isn’t one for you. That. Believe it or not, there are times when you coming along and making things terrible isn’t for the best. You should know that, and I think on some level you do. But you refuse to apply it. You just won’t let yourself not ruin things.  
Discord: I will literally die if I’m not zany for too long.  
Starlight: Which leaves us with a choice. We can either invite you and watch as our carefully-planed, important event gets ruined so you can have a giggle.  
Discord: I vote for that one!  
Starlight: ugh. We can invite you under the condition that you be good and watch you fade from existence. Or, we can do our thing while you do yours and everything that’s meant to go smoothly, does, while you’re out doing whatever. We made the decision that works for everyone, including you.  
Discord: Fine, I didn’t even want to be headmare, b-baka!  
Starlight: You and I aren’t actually friends, are we?
 
 
The Hearth’s Warming Club
 
Sandbar: So, how do they celebrate Hearth’s Warming in Yakyakistan, Yona?  
Yona: Yak do not. Our holiday much better. (non-yak eyes roll. Gallus: ugh, with this again…) More Tamaranian-sounding, too.  
Sandbar: Okay, so, what do you guys do?  
Yona: Family get together and smash!  
Gallus: uh…excuse me?  
Yona: Yak family get together and smash! First, yak smash hard.  
Gallus: (snicker)  
Yona: Then, yak family smash harder!  
Smolder: please tell me she really doesn’t hear what we’re hearing.  
Yona: And finally, yak get biggest log and smash harder than harder! Yak family smash together all night!  
(everyone but Yona tries not to laugh)  
Yona: And then, yak braid hair.  
Silverstream: With hooves? How does that..?  
Yona: …and then family smashes harder than ever! Yak smash, smash, smash all night until whole family tired and sweaty, but very happy!  
(everyone but Yona laughs hard)  
Ocellus: Ha ha ha ha! (to Silverstream) _{i don’t actually get why we’re laughing, i’m just trying to fit in.}  
Silverstream: And that’s why you’re the Fluttershy of the group!
 
Silverstream: But I can’t miss the Three Days of Freedom Celebration!  
Gallus: How long does that last?  
Silverstream: (glares at him) Three days, Gallus. (back to normal) On the first day, we all go to Seaquestria to be like, “Thanks for the assist with the Storm King!”. On the second day, we all go up on Mount Aris for sky-dancing and a wind-song over Harmonizing Heights!  
Ocellus: How does the song go?  
Silverstream: You wanna hear the Freedom Celebration Song!? Exclamation of exuberance! (she gets up on the back of a chair) ahem. ♪Freedom-freedom-freedom, OY! Freedom-freedom-freedom, OY!  
Yona: Hippogriff weird. But, yak not want to stand out. (she joins Silverstream)  
Silver/Yona: ♪Freedom-freedom-freedom, OY! Freedom-freedom-freedom, OY!  
Silverstream: (loudly trills and returns to the floor) The day after, the Great Novo rises out of the pumpkin patch she picks as the most sincere! Then she flies through the air and swims through the water, neither of which is impressive to hippogriffs, giving out presents to aaaall the good little fish-chicks!
 
Ocellus: That’s a horrible story!  
Smolder: Maybe to you. Dragons like stories about weak and kind creatures getting defeated.  
(Sandbar comes back in)  
Rainbow Dash: Smolder, come with me. Yona, Twilight’s waiting.  
Yona: Two at a time now? Why?  
Rainbow: We’re running out of episode, now come on.  
Sandbar: So, what’d I miss?  
Ocellus: We may need to be careful around Smolder.
 
Gallus: Families get together to eat and complain about the…  
Silverstream: Wait, wait, wait. Gilda and Gabby are related?  
Gallus: Never really asked. I guess?  
Smolder: Who’s that little one?  
Gallus: Again, never asked. Guessing their name starts with a G, so… Are you guys looking at my memory?  
Sandbar: oh, jeez, are we!?  
Gallus: Anyway, I don’t have a family.  
Smolder: We’re never going to find out what happened to them, are we?  
Gallus: With how long it took to find out about the parents of three important characters and the son of another? Not bloody likely.  
Silverstream: So, what do you do during the Blue Moon thing?  
Gallus: Same thing everyone without a family does during holidays; creep on other families for a while, then go home and listen to “How Could This Happen to Me?” on loop until we fall asleep.  
Ocellus: It’s actually called “Untitled”.  
Gallus: Yeah, but if I called it that, you wouldn’t know what I meant. So, here’s something weird: it was me what ruined the room with flame-jelly. I thought that if I made it so headmare Twilight prevented all of us from leaving her school for two weeks, which is perfectly legal why not?, we could spend more time together.  
Silverstream: That’s heart-breaking and all, but still well within the realm of jerk-move.  
(the others agree)  
Gallus: Yeah, I know. I’mma go confess.  
Twilight: That’s okay, we heard.  
Sandbar: When did you all get here?  
Twilight: If you give that more thought, I’ll lower your GPA. Anyway, since you showed mastery of the concept of honesty…  
Gallus: Preeetty sure when you brought me in for questioning, I lied right to your face…  
Twilight: Since the episode is almost over, I won’t do punishments.  
young six: Cheering!  
Twilight: Now, Yona. Don’t you start abusing my willingness to fold at the mere mention of the word “offended” just to get your way.  
Yona: Oh, yak won’t. %yak will..!%

@lasty  

 
It took me a bit to figure out this was referring to just one thing rather than several separate ones.

@Scrounge  
… I just realized it now reading your comment.

@Scrounge  
@Frustration in Excelsis  
Was it the wording?

@lasty  
Probably, although it certainly doesn’t help that there’s so many major and semi-major characters whose parents weren’t even shown, let alone characterized, until Season 4 or later. Heck, Rarity and Sweetie Belle’s parents still haven’t received any meaningful characterization, the only thing we know about Scootaloo’s parents (from the actual show, at least) is that she doesn’t get any emotional support from them, nopony knows how Spike’s egg even wound up in Canterlot, and it’s open to speculation if Discord even came from parents at all.

Grannies Gone Wild
 
Applejack: “So how was Las Pegasus?”
 
Rainbow Dash: “Pretty sweet. Not only did I get to ride the best roller coaster EVER, I also TOTALLY hit the jackpot!”
 
Applejack: “Really? Congrats! You finally learn your poker face, or….?”
 
Trixie: “THERE YOU ARE!”
 
Applejack: “What in Celestia’s name?!”
 
Trixie: “You can’t run forever, you sub-equine brute!”
 
Applejack: “…I know you ain’t talkin’ to me…”
 
Trixie: “Of course not! Trixie is talking to that feathered sociopath over there!”
 
Rainbow Dash: “Um, I know this looks bad, but I can explain…”
 
Applejack: “‘Hit the Jack Pot’, huh?”
 
Rainbow Dash: “He kept staring at my wings!”

A Rockhoof and a Hard Place
 
Rockhoof: Did you not see the smoke an’ flames?  
Smolder: Yyyeah, that was us. You know, dragons? Having a fire-breathing competition?  
Rockhoof: You…what?  
Twilight: They do it all the time! That’s what we were trying to tell you!  
Applejack: We know yer used t’bein’ a hero, but what we need here is a teacher.  
Rockhoof: Ah, I see, I see. Have you perhaps tried encouragin’ the wee dragons to breathe fire elsewhere? Someplace inflammable, perhaps?  
Applejack: Never once.  
Twilight: ‘Inflammable’ means ‘flammable’.  
Rockhoof: That’s stupid. Anyway, what if I dug them an arena!? Someplace near water, where they can have their competitions to their hearts’ content and not endanger the school or the students therein?  
Twilight: No, we won’t be doing that. Then the yaks will want a space, and the hippogriffs and griffons and changelings.  
Rockhoof: There’s but one of each in the entire school.  
Twilight: Yeah, but are you willing to dig all those places?  
Rockhoof: Very!  
Twilight: …eh, still no.  
Smolder: _{my indirect book-burning plan continues…}
 
Rockhoof: Professor Fossil made it clear, I’m not welcome back in my home village. An’ I’m not welcome here, either. (he walks sadly away)  
Rarity: Why didn’t you stop him? Tell him he most certainly does have a place here?  
Twilight: Because…huh. I don’t know. It would have been easy and really helpful.
 
Rockhoof: Does anypony know where I can find Cranky Doodle Donkey!? He’s got a rash in a really embarrassing place! Also, how does he hide it if he’s nude!? Why does a nudist society have the concept of shame about the body!?
 
Rockhoof: I know ya said you only needed a few leaves. But, I brought you the whole thing.  
(yes, the bees! yes, the bees!! aaaaaaaa!)  
Zecora: What use could I have for a twenty-foot trunk!? A problem I’d lack, if only you’d thunk! I have a question about ponies from the past. Were you special, or was everyone a dumbass?
 
Flash: Ha ha, this is nothin’! You should see what Mistmane is up to.  
(next scene)  
Rockhoof: They made you the landscape artist for the whole Crystal Empire? I mean, it looks nice an’ all, but I think Flash Magnus may have oversold it. Or undersold the importance of training new soldiers and guards.
 
(crash)  
Rockhoof: The stars have always steered me true!  
Twilight: Oh, no. Stars can move slowly over time. They must look different now than over 1,000 years ago.  
Rockhoof: Et tu, space?
 
Twilight: Hey, mistakes happen.  
Applejack: where was that durin’ the fire incident?  
Twilight: We’ll think of something else for you to do.  
Rockhoof: Oh, there’s no need. I’ve been in this new time for a little while now. All I want to do is either be a hero or sit in a dark room, listen to My Chemical Romance and let time slip by until it’s gone. Everypony betray me. I am fed up with this wurr-uld!  
Applejack: uh…huh.  
Twilight: There must be something I can do.  
Rockhoof: There is. I’ve read that there’s a spell that can turn someone to stone, maybe forever.  
Applejack: …no.  
Rockhoof: I want you to cast it.  
Applejack: …we’re seriously not about to cover this.  
Rockhoof: On me.  
Applejack: Oh, hay, no! (she leaves the episode)
 
Twilight: No!  
Rockhoof: Yes!  
Twilight: No!  
Rockhoof: Aye!  
Spike: What’s going on? Is it time for Rockhoof to learn that mares can decline ‘intimacy’ these days?  
Rockhoof: We had that back in my time, too!  
Twilight: Rockhoof wants me to Discord him.  
Spike: Like invert his personality or..?  
Twilight: The petrification thing. Which I won’t do!  
Rockhoof: Well, you should! If not for you, I’d still be in limbo instead of this world of nonsense. I wasn’t even supposed to be here today! by which i mean the present.  
Spike: Look, I’m gonna steer clear of, uh, certain implications about what you’re asking and just remind Twilight that that spell was done with the Elements of Harmony. It probably only affected Discord because he was a bad guy.  
Twilight: Oh, yeah. I doubt they’d even work against a hero like him, let alone specifically stone him. Nice continuity, Spike.  
Spike: Praise! Sweet, infrequent praise..!  
Rockhoof: Curse me kilts, I cannae even have pseudo-death!?  
Twilight: …are you Scottish?  
Rockhoof: Sorta!!
 
Silverstream: Terramar said Rockhoof called down the stars and sank the whole hipporgriff navy!  
Gallus: And you’re happy about this because..?  
Silverstream: I’m what you might call “patriotism-fluid”!  
Ocellus: _{that’s what queen chrysalis called the slime she made the new grubs eat…}
 
Yona: Yak maybe have precocious crush on teacher!  
Rockhoof: uh…okay, well, don’t act on it.  
Yona: fiiiine. But yak act on it when yak legal?  
Rockhoof: (sigh) Yona, I’m sure you’ll end up being super-hot for a yak. Especially if you learn not to talk like Majin Buu by then, but…well, I’m not going to be around then. I’m…I’m going away.  
Yona: You mean vacation? Where teacher going? Yak can pack swimsuit and lotion real quick.  
Rockhoof: Seriously, stop that. And, yes. You can call it a vacation. I’m leaving all of my troubles behind and, hopefully, I won’t be seeing them ever again.  
Yona: That sound like good vacation!  
Rockhoof: …aye. Could you leave me be, please? I have to…get ready for my trip.  
Yona: Okay! Yak hope teacher have good time, but come back real soon! Yak looking forward to hearing end of ursa major story. See Rockhoof soon! Yak want to see lots of pictures when teacher get back! (she leaves)  
Rockhoof: i’m sorry, yona. i don’t think they allow pictures where i’m goin’. (he picks up a crossbow) Faust, fowgive me.  
memory of Lisa: Everything’ll be alright. (he puts it in his mouth) Good night, Johnny.  
(Rockhoof is about to pull the trigger somehow)  
memory of Flash: Once a soldier, always a soldier.  
Rockhoof: Wait a minute, the Mighty Helm were like a local military, I could probably also be a soldier.  
(he becomes one)  
Rockhoof: Wow, do I feel daft for not thinkin’ of this sooner.  
Flash: You’ll speak when spoken to, maggot!!  
Rockhoof: i’m home!  
(end theme)