Posts

Just when I finally found something to keep me going, society rips my happiness away. Bravo. Bra-fucking-vo. You’re pushing me into the deep end. I hope you’re fucking happy.

@Background Pony #6F25
It’s okay to make mistakes, they happen. I find it helps to think about being able to see some pretty nature and maybe watching some birds as motivation to leave the house. Forget the human things, forget mistakes or your past, or even yourself–just go out and be with nature for a bit, if you can. I know your bed is safe and you can’t be hurt there, but being alone in nature is good too, if you can get there, and it makes you feel better after, rather than getting stiff and stuffy in bed.
I do hope you feel better soon, and everyone else too.

Today I wanted to go out and do some things, I made a mistake and I feel stupid, I will stay in bed.

@KolpSlack
Well, what else you have left in your life even if you lose something?
If they aren’t yet fulfilled, they might be go to waste, but still, I’d respect your decision whatsover.
If you want to vent, just do it, either here or people around you irl, and make your own decision out.

I’m ready to leave my mortal body…move onto the next.

@Background Pony #7DD0
I know that feeling, maybe it only takes time, although I would like to know how much.
Hope you can find the motivation you need.

@Moodiness Express
Sorry to hear all that moodi. I wish i, or anyone here, could help you out.
I wish you the best of luck on your life.
Keep fighting for a better life, don’t let suicide thoughts control you no more.

I’ve been living in a dark period ever since I graduated high school almost 10 years ago. I’m not sure what path I’m going down and it’s left me wondering if I have any control of my life. And it’s left me in perpetual uncertainty. Nothing motivates me much anymore.

@Kicks24Sf
You really deserve to be banned because of this. Really.

@Kicks24Sf
Leave her alone. First of all, you don’t know her situation well enough, second, even if you did, you’re not making things easier for her. Even if her situation is her own fault, she’s young and prone to mistakes. The least you could do is not make her feel more alone with her problems.

Please, if you want to keep being one, leave this thread. AT ONCE.

Alright I’m fucking done.

@Kicks24Sf
Yeah? What about it?

@Moodiness Express
Oh it’s you again

@DarkObsidian
It’s nice to hear from a real one.

EDIT:Oh I didn’t mean to write a long thing about myself and forget to address you more. I hope you find someone to help you clean, some people like to clean. I hope you get good sleep. I’ll be trying to sleep less myself.

I’ve been thinking about the root cause of my dysfunction myself. I realize I only need to fix two things. Avoidance and learned helplessness, my life will get a whole lot easier.

My avoidance comes from my anxiety climbing to unbearable levels, until I drink alcohol and fall asleep, I’m out after one drink every time, despite telling myself and others I’m going to work. The more i face my anxiety sober, the easier it’s going to become.

I talk in great detail, because i think some people find it fascinating, and also I’m insecure about people thinking that I’m stupid, because functionally speaking I’m pretty dumb.

I’m slow cycling bipolar with Borderline Personality Disorder characterized by avoidant and narcissistic anti social behavior. Doctors think I’m difficult, drug seeking, attention seeking, treatment resistant, and dishonest. I think doctors are idealistic, dishonest, delusional, projecting, biased, money seeking, and lazy when they can pass the blame.

When doctors try to help, they target my bipolar directly with mood stabilizing drugs, this makes me even more dysfunctional. They tried anti-psychotics.

When I’m sober I realize I’m not addicted to anything, feeling sober is fine, it’s the work that makes me stop and get a drink, I just need to accept it’s not helping.

Because the impotent treatment attempts and the fact that doctors think I need their help to get high, I’ve come to the conclusion that primary medicine is incompetent in handling my disease. I will treat myself.

I decided I don’t need any treatment. I like my bipolar sleep schedule, and I’ll keep my psycho thoughts. I just got to learn to work and get my shit done. Laziness is my only problem, laziness is why i’m always isolated.

At least lazy isn’t outright malicious. It can be though.

Every day my depression pulls me down to do something productive at home. As soon as I walk out the door, I am 100% fully functional and productive beyond measure. Can someone please clean up my cave for me while I am gone? I just like to be home to have a drink in the evening (occasionally) and feel like nighttime just works better for me than daytime. I know I’m really happy right now that I only need three hours of “sleep”. But so slowly but surely I’m getting worried that my body won’t keep up with this forever. And I would give anything to be able to work and be active only in the hours when it is dark, and to be able to sleep through all the worldly bullshit of the others during the day.

Edit: Hm. Thought about it again (and slept in the meantime), it’s not that bad. I just need to find a way to get more sleep, or rather moments of inner peace. But I’ll stick with it, I’d really rather live and work at night and avoid sunlight during the day. (laughs) Whereas it’s not so much the sun that bothers me, but rather all the people who walk around outside during the day. (grin) ;-)

And for my domestic chaos I will really hire someone to clean now. I have neither the time nor the nerve to constantly have to clean everywhere. Too bad I can’t just live in a van in this country. That would simplify a lot of things.

I keep getting super fucked up high and having anxiety attacks, and heart conditions like hypertensive crisis. I don’t call the hospital because I’d rather die that have 3 customers think I’m a grifter when I get put in the mental institution. besides, all the stupid shit I put in my system, defib wouldn’t even work, and the blood pressure medication causes paradoxal hypertension that would instantly kill me, especially with alcohol.

My upcoming situation is going to be hard, yet somehow I’m completely irreverent to it. I start doing all the fuckups I know I’m supposed to avoid, well I mean to my body, I’m not really stealing or acting antisocial. Well yeah avoidant antisocial, I’m avoiding all the things society expects of me, and it’s going to kick me in the ass. It seems I’m willing to disengage in society even if it puts me in high risk situations. I talk to like 3 people, i tell them i got a plan for everything, and am going to make it, but instead I’m doing nothing but getting fucked up, waiting to be homeless. I don’t care about shit, but i at least want to interact with three people without them worrying about me.

I’m not mad at my mom for leaving without me, I’m mad that she chooses now to be annoyed with my behavior. It’s not her problem, she could have been mad when it was her problem. My heart problems are only my problem, i have the common decency not to call 911 because I’d rather be dead than have her look bad (plus they’ll detain me when they see my drug test). Its not like I’m tripping balls and destroying stuff, or stealing.

I drink almost every night which raises blood pressure, then i coat my lungs with insane amounts of THC, which blocks oxygen when it’s first absorbing and can contribute to hypertensive crisis.

Voc rehab is no good, last time I was in the hospital tripping balls I texted them something about the state of my mental health and what my future might look like, and because i had no inhibitions i said something that could be interpreted as threatening. They just ghosted me.

My doctors could have probably helped me, but I always get dropped out of these services for missing appointments and abandoning my medication. I think psychosis is when your thoughts become too random and detached from reality, but what kind i have no clue. Prob bipolar because I keep doing the straight and narrow periodically (which is just makes it more dangerous when I go back to all the drugs). I can’t do the straight and narrow long enough to have social contacts, a job, many friends, a doctor, unable to care enough to get any social help, I don’t keep paperwork organized, and i filed my taxes once (it’s ok, i don’t make shit). Maybe i need to be fucking homeless, I’m an asshole.

Anon so my GF doesn’t find this. I’d rather her believe things are great for now. All the things I promised to do for her are theoretically possible, or I’ll just end things in the nicest possible way before it becomes her problem.

My avoidance and irreverrent is going to cause me great suffering, even avoidant antisocial is a great burden to others, malicious or not.

@Moodiness Express
…

I am at lost of words.

I know you’re the same person who said you got raped and abortion before (from your art style, and deviantart account), never thought you’d end up like this…

At least I can say, you are still better than Chris Chan, really, Chris Chan is a guy who’s even lower than you because he has no morals, remorse, and unable to vent here due to too high pride.

I really think the culture of the country where you live matters a lot, …. wait, America, oh my, this is fucking bleak sis…

Well… hate to say it, there are other fans, like IWTCIEM who hated their own country (USA yup) and vented here as well. That might be it, they might trying to find a way to live somewhere else.

Well, this takes miracle for things to get better, damn…

@Moodiness Express
I really wish I knew what to say to all that. I hope things get better for you soon.

@Moodiness Express
I’m really sorry to hear what you’ve been going through :(

I hope things get better

I haven’t been here in a long time but I need something or anything at all… Prepare for shit to be piled on top of you if you even give a fuck in the first place cuz nobody ever does. If you don’t care to read, there’s a tldr at the end.

My depression has skyrocketed. I almost committed suicide last night and I’ve already hacked up my skin. The reason why I didn’t go through with it is because I believe I’m cursed to this damn planet. Every time I try to commit suicide I survive every single damn time so I must have some purpose but the only purpose I seemingly have is to suffer.

I have no friends and all I have is my boyfriend and he literally flat out told me, “I can’t help you.” Nobody else fucking supports me.

I got kicked out of the house last night so I’m basically homeless and I have no family to reach out to because my mom is dying due to drugs my dad is already dead due to drugs my aunt is seriously doing some drugs cuz she’s on some schizo shit or something, my grandma’s dying so she can’t take care of me. I can’t go to my other Aunt because she’s dead. I can’t go to my cousin’s house cuz she’s abusive. I can’t live with my uncle cuz he already has too many kids. I can’t go with any of my sisters or brothers cuz I have no idea where they are in life right now or how to get in touch with them. I can’t live with my boyfriend for some fucking reason. I’ve literally exhausted all my options within my almost 20 years of life. That’s how much I’ve been moving around because nobody wants to deal with me.

You’re probably wondering what I mean by “deal with me”. Well I’m severely
depressed and have meltdowns and I’m severely disabled. So much so that I cannot work or drive. It’s also the main reason why I can’t keep a relationship or a home.

I don’t make enough money to support myself. Can’t afford anywhere. My best hope to shoot for is getting a roommate but I don’t know anybody and I have to reach out to somebody but my problem is that after dealing with all these people all my life I don’t want to be with somebody else. Especially a stranger.

I’m so fucking upset and I have never been so low in my damn life and there’s no way of getting out of it.

TL;DR
I have no support system whatsoever, I’m severely disabled and depressed, and I’m now homeless.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

@Beth
I want to think that it is not limited to one aspect of food. I don’t know how to feel about having something in common with a stranger, I guess it’s a relief to know that I’m not the only one with these kinds of problems.

@pixel
Internet doesn’t forget, it would be a good idea to leave it for a while and maybe think again about some things you want to remove, just to be more calmer.

@pixel
I think taking some breaks from the Internet might help

@icicle wicicle 1517
Thanks.

The rational part of me knows that, given how it hasn’t happened so far, that should be a good sign. But I just sometimes get paranoid, I guess. Like, I can’t help but think if someone was really determined, they’d be able to find out who I am based on the handful of more personal posts I made.

Really, though, I think I should just spend less time online.

@pixel
Im sorry to hear that.

If it helps, im sure everyone has regrets about stuff they’ve posted online years ago andworry about others finding out. Don;t beat yourself up about it that much, it’s a natural feeling a lotof people have.