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Sometimes I would like to share my tastes and interests with more people, but I’m afraid to think people think I’m a fool & I think they’re not wrong.

@Beth
It doesn’t help when mods actively deny us a single place to vent on this website, despite this explicitly being a thread for depression and suicide. I left this site for a month because the hours and hour of help I gave toward tagging and fixing tags was completely ignored and even actively fought against. I wanted to help, I wanted to make the website a better, cleaner place for everyone, and I was repelled for it. And so we come here to vent, honestly express that we’re going to do harm to ourselves, and they come in a something something rule six it.
So I haven’t returned. I check in maybe once a week, but there’s nothing for me here. My art is ignored, my hours of volunteer work are worthless, and then we’re silenced on the vent thread. What’s the point?
If they did do something to themselves, I think it was encouraged by the mods by silencing their post.

@JP
When COVID-19 happened, I was secretly happy a little. Because for me it meant working from home. I don’t have to scream at the computer in the office and embarrass myself. I can do that at home and no one knows. I hope I can continue working from home for the rest of my life.

Same, and your case is relatable to mine, I loath being an Aspergers in this retarded social-oriented world, my home country isn’t yet fully friendly with it, sadly.
Long live work from home! Down with traditions!

Also, fuck nature for making us this way. Still… have to tried psychological medicines? No drugs. It worked on me, but not sure about your case, you decide. Before I took them, I felt worse than you years ago.

I feel like everyone hates me.

Not that I wish anything bad to happen to him but he said like 70 times he was gonna kill himself and came back every single time, I’m reluctant to think it’ll be any different this time

Damn. I had almost hoped that he was only banned for a while. I pray to the gods that he is okay. But yes, I am worried as well. (-_-)

@Beth
I hope he is doing well, but I haven’t heard anything from him in a great deal of time, which is concerning, since he had some issues going on. I won’t press for info, as it seems personal.

I think Badheart is fucking gone.

I hope he’s out there doing something good for himself, but i really doubt it. He wasn’t doing good the last time I saw him. Without dropping all his personal information, i’m just going to say I got my reasons for concern.

Unrelated I got hypertension from drinking I think. Better chill. Today feels like shit, take it easy everyone.

@DarkObsidian
You make good points, but I’m afraid they won’t help me. Prepare for a wall of text.

I don’t know if I was hardwired to have depression from the birth, but there is one thing that was.

I have a bad case of temper. I almost certainly suffer from what is known as Intermittent Explosive Disorder. It just happens. I can get really angry, really fast. Like, in seconds. And it often goes away in seconds. Then I spend hours sulking about it (“I got angry again for no reason”). What triggers it? Everything. Anything from a website popping up a “subscribe now” garbage while I try to read something, to forgetting to buy toothpaste again, the program I’m working with not working as expected, a passer-by on the street blowing foul cigarette smoke in my way, and so on.

I’m not terribly violent when it happens, but I have broken things a few times over the years. But I always fear that one day I completely lose control and something very bad happens. I don’t want to hurt others. Because I cannot stop the IED inside me from going off, I live alone. I have no relationships, and I will never have. I’ve never dated anyone. Because even if someone would love me (how can someone love me, when I cannot love myself?), eventually I would end up hurting them, and they would leave. The only way to avoid all that misery is to live alone. Now, I am a bit loner by nature, but I’d still love at least some company. To talk with. To hug. To get hugged. To wake up next to in the morning in a sunlight filled room.

Most people I encounter more than once in life know about my condition. Either I tell them, or they see me rage over something. I’ve apologized for my behavior to other people so many times my apologies are starting to lose their meaning, because it will happen again. And again. And again.

It’s been there for my whole life. You can probably guess how easy it is to bully someone who gets angry so easily… I am amazed that I somehow managed to have friends back in the elementary school. That was a long time ago.

I refuse to operate any motorized vehicles. I don’t even have a driver’s license (though, for many years, I couldn’t even afford it). The thought of what might happen to me and people around me when (not if) I rage behind the wheel is horrifying. I don’t want to drive cars or motorcycles. I do not consume alcohol at all. Again, the thoughts of terrible things I might do when I get drunk sicken me. (Of course it is possible that the right amount of alcohol might actually calm me down, but it’s not something I’m willing to experiment with.)

When COVID-19 happened, I was secretly happy a little. Because for me it meant working from home. I don’t have to scream at the computer in the office and embarrass myself. I can do that at home and no one knows. I hope I can continue working from home for the rest of my life.

All this depresses me every day. This “IED” does not go away. You’re born with it. There is no cure. Therapy can smoothen it a little (I have personal experience on this), but it will not make it go away. You will hurt yourself and people around you, and it just happens. You have no control over it. It’s a curse that completely dominates me. I was sentenced to live in total loneliness from the very beginning. My parents are aging. Without a car, I cannot help them when they need help (I live about 60 kilometers away from them). Every day I wonder what will happen to my parent’s house after they die. I cannot inherit it, since it’s far outside of the city and a car is required out there.

My depression will not go away, because I automatically generate more bad mood and sulking every day, even if I don’t want to. My brains are miswired to do that.

And this is just my personal mental demon that completely controls me. I haven’t even started talking about the physcial ailments I have (migraine, back pains, etc.) to some of which I do have medication and the medication usually works. But IED? It’s there, always.

(Another massive source of depression is the current world political situation, but I’m not going there. I cannot change any of it anyway, but I cannot stop feeling sad over it either.)

Well, there is little I can say about this that is based on fact. But I never felt that you were worthless or a lost cause. I can’t speak for your circumstances, of course. Nor can I do more than offer you my hand. But I don’t think you are as you see yourself. And I wish that someday you would stop seeing things only from someone else’s perspective. Create your own world. Your own reason. And forget all the rest. More than anything else, you are a thinking, feeling and suffering being. But that is nothing to be ashamed of.

Yes, I know how much it hurts you to have to perceive the things around you. And it hurts. And it doesn’t help yourself either. But please, with all that I can tell you now: Please don’t give up on yourself. You don’t HAVE to do anything. And you can do everything. And if you feel like you’re failing, then fail. But don’t see that as a failure. Anyone can stumble. Anyone can really fall on their face. The only shame here would be not getting back up. And if you feel like you’re not loved - you will be. You yourself have to find the strength to be able to love yourself. Nothing else matters.

If there’s one power that can help you, it’s the power of yourself not to be ashamed of anything, and to say to yourself, “Fuck you all.” Don’t give a damn about their opinions and attitudes. And even more so, don’t give a damn about their successes. All that matters is you. And only you. Start with yourself. And think to yourself: “You can all kiss my ass”. Your value may not really be clear to you right now. But you have it. And you are somebody. And if something happens, if everybody else has left you, always think to yourself, “You can do something else”.

I find alone your step to post your thoughts here so brave. And so much brave. You don’t just resign yourself to your fate. Because you don’t have to. But recognize yourself, and your value for this world. Fuck everything that weighs you down. Go ahead and say what burdens you and who burdens you. Communicate openly and honestly about your anger and hatred and the way the world is trying to hold you down. But be honest. And stay brave. YOU have done nothing wrong. But it is this world that has failed you and given you false hope.

From someone who has been through it all. Please, and I really hope you do, but I don’t expect anything either: please don’t give up on yourself. Because you don’t have to. And even if I repeat myself, I am serious.

If you ever need to talk to someone, we’re here. And you’re also welcome to address me personally. All I hope from you now is: Just don’t give up. And be aware that the world is really a bucket of shit. But you don’t have to be part of it. Rise up yourself. And accept the pain. That pain doesn’t hurt you because you’re worthless. It’s because you realize how false and phony everything else is. And yes, it hurts. But it is only one step, one cut on the way to make you a better being. Better than those who lie to you that you have to be like them.

Be simple. And accept the here and now. It does not make you feel good. It does not make you happy. But it is merely the basis of what you can lift yourself up to.

@JP
Oh good, I think you aren’t a total failure especially in bravery to block this social media hellhole.

Sometimes, life punches you in the face randomly and makes you feel that way, making every of your efforts seems like a waste of time, feeling like a failure.
I like in-game randomness, but I despite real-life randomness.

Also, (I am feeling similar to you right now) dunno what I am gonna do in the uncertain future, I am limited by what I am and my family’s financial stuffs, I feel like my family tie was doomed in the business world to begin with, born in my own current family tie was a huge mistake of randomness and middle finger at my luck!! The day I die, means my misery of this curse is over.

@Background Pony #7DD0
I can’t “Facebook too much” because I block Facecrap in the browser, DNS level, and even blackholing all FB’s AS blocks in the router, both ingress and egress traffic just to be sure. And I do the same for every other FB-related service. I’ve been doing all that since 2009/2010. I don’t do any social media. I block them. They’re cancer that destroys whatever little humanity may be left.

@JP
Uh, one possibility is that you might be facebook-ing too much and feel envious of others, I know how this feels and it is a hellhole of a feeling about yourself…

I fucking cut ties with facebook and my high school/university friends altogether because they all use facebook and keep bragging their success to keep my envy at bay, and now I avoided that.

It is in moments like this when I become fully aware of just how complete failure I am. The totality of it. I’ve failed at every single thing in life. No hope, no future. There’s no one and nothing out there for me. Except more sadness. All the life’s important moments and decisions, they’re all in the past. I failed them. It’s too late to change anything. I’m too old, there are no choices anymore. Others succeeded. I didn’t. I was left behind. Alone. I’m garbage.

Why couldn’t I be the happy one? The hopeful one? Why did I end up being the depressed, apathetic one? What went wrong with my brain chemistry? Was I doomed from the beginning?

Just let me die… Please…

@Background Pony #0827
Only the killer and torturers, yes, I’m with you here.

The innocents during the time may have tried to prevent it but failed or too scared to do anything.

Can’t believe nature lacks the rule to punish injustice, right?
Often times justice comes from those with rule making power, yet, may or may not create justice itself, for the others, luck and fate decides for them.

“ungratefully, they commit the moral event horizon to take over the continent for all themselves (the descendants are often the innocents whom, like you, often suffers from its consequences, the rules made by them… I’m feel sorry about your living condition…),”

By “‘they’ crossed the moral event horizon”, do you mean any/or all of the settlers, or America as a whole?

Because if you ask me, the only ones who’ve ever really gone past the moral event horizon during the Manifest Destiny are the ones who have actually massacred, unjustifiably killed, or committed any inhumane actions against any of the Native Americans. And beyond that, I’d argue that practically anything else is mostly still debatable.

@IWTCIEM
When you look back into the history of the US settlement with the Native Indians, the settlers were starving to death, but the native Indians helped them, but the settlers took over the land for granted… ungratefully, they commit the moral event horizon to take over the continent for all themselves (the descendants are often the innocents whom, like you, often suffers from its consequences, the rules made by them… I’m feel sorry about your living condition…), hence the “overpowered” country known as US was born, coming along with the many corrupt capitalist (aka: kleptocracy) systems spread to many countries (communism isn’t necessary better) as well where many struggled to live with, unsustainable resource consumption and giving the seemingly bleak future for the world, and when I mean the world, I rather live a short-happy life than a long-unhappy life.

Being stuck in the shithole country known as the US has driven me to daily suicidal thoughts. My very existence is no different from an abusive relationship: the only difference is people telling me to keep taking the abuse.

Every artist who gets hundreds of upvotes on their art all started out small. You can still be noticed. Time and patience. Take as many breaks as you need to help find yourself, but I don’t see a reason to give up altogether. You have the potential~

Fuck everything I’m gone.

I don’t run…..

@UnderwoodART
I basically live the same life, we should party on here more often.

Couldn’t find a Marble Pie thread but I’m about to play some Xbox.

@Badheart
Hm, well, thanks. Still, drawing something for 3-4 hours just to get 4 favs on DA… it’s just not enjoyable anymore. Then again, I was enjoying writing, and I don’t do that anymore either (again, nobody reads it). And that’s nothing on the months it takes me to draw a comic page, to equal fanfare. Creativity was all I was, and I don’t have it anymore. I deflate the moment I sit in my chair after waking up, either browse the internet or not enjoy a game, then I go to bed and repeat u_u;

@UnderwoodART
One of my purposes here is to sponsor select artists by sharing images so people see their work, and personally I think you draw some rather attractive mares.