My life is calm, too calm, my life goes nowhere and partially that is my fault. Some things are not my misdeeds and just strange happenings, yet for a seemingly adult guy I act like an imbecile and autistic. Maybe, at some percentage I am so, I do have a little of ADHD and neurological state. I’m still unemployed and not nearly ready to go to work for real, i’m irresponsable. This will be beaten with time, but i’m still somewhat a pity shadow of a normal human being with ability to talk so deeply, so philosophically that even adults may wonder yet still do nothing. I will overcome this someday, I believe I can.
Other than that. Seven years in the fandom. One failed attempt to leave. The ride, indeed, will never end. Because while we are teens our sexuality forms, builds on our experience and education… So when we grow up… Now it is based of drawn horses with lots of fetishes. Even if you stop with the show and fanfiction, you will never stop f***ing them within your mind. I never watched the show beyond season 6 and I’m still here. I’m like many others in here… a junkie with no redemption. I do not want to accept it, I do not want to feed this beast inside me.
I tried many things and I may know a lots of factors that caused such a state to be permanent with no cure. I cured many bad things inside me, but one will always remain. You may castrate your testicles (few years back I thought of it a lot), but you can never castrate your mind without losing the least of what barely can be called “sanity” or “consciousness”.
Suicide ain’t my stallion. It is stupid and pointless. Don’t even bother! You die now or later, still a ponyf***er. It’s better that way, less disturbance in the air for the others caused by fade of life. Yet life may be passionless sometimes I do not have any other choice that just to obliviate to the fact that I stroke few times each day thinking or watching something I thought I forbid myself right from the start. “Don’t go there, you’ll become one of them” was I thinking and still did go. Now I know. Chances are high, that if you’re reading this, you know it’s too late for you too. My only priority is now that nobody outside here knows what’s inside my head-closet with breed-stables. I went way too far and I have become my only enemy. Nobody can be more toxic to you than yourself… I can only thank God or Fate or whatever this world is I don’t have schizophrenia or tulpa.
Just ignore this all. This confession… actually means nothing and I do not call for any help. I just wanted to scream it at least in text so I can get back to sleep. I still will get depraved nightmares and demented images of what it could be a good place in hell for me. When my parents die, they will deny my existence as I am abomination and will understand why no love is within my soul as it burns with pure toxic lust and denial.
Many will say: “Hey, what a troubled kid with jellyfish instead of a brain.”
You’re not wrong, you’re not.