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My life is calm, too calm, my life goes nowhere and partially that is my fault. Some things are not my misdeeds and just strange happenings, yet for a seemingly adult guy I act like an imbecile and autistic. Maybe, at some percentage I am so, I do have a little of ADHD and neurological state. I’m still unemployed and not nearly ready to go to work for real, i’m irresponsable. This will be beaten with time, but i’m still somewhat a pity shadow of a normal human being with ability to talk so deeply, so philosophically that even adults may wonder yet still do nothing. I will overcome this someday, I believe I can.

Other than that. Seven years in the fandom. One failed attempt to leave. The ride, indeed, will never end. Because while we are teens our sexuality forms, builds on our experience and education… So when we grow up… Now it is based of drawn horses with lots of fetishes. Even if you stop with the show and fanfiction, you will never stop f***ing them within your mind. I never watched the show beyond season 6 and I’m still here. I’m like many others in here… a junkie with no redemption. I do not want to accept it, I do not want to feed this beast inside me.

I tried many things and I may know a lots of factors that caused such a state to be permanent with no cure. I cured many bad things inside me, but one will always remain. You may castrate your testicles (few years back I thought of it a lot), but you can never castrate your mind without losing the least of what barely can be called “sanity” or “consciousness”.

Suicide ain’t my stallion. It is stupid and pointless. Don’t even bother! You die now or later, still a ponyf***er. It’s better that way, less disturbance in the air for the others caused by fade of life. Yet life may be passionless sometimes I do not have any other choice that just to obliviate to the fact that I stroke few times each day thinking or watching something I thought I forbid myself right from the start. “Don’t go there, you’ll become one of them” was I thinking and still did go. Now I know. Chances are high, that if you’re reading this, you know it’s too late for you too. My only priority is now that nobody outside here knows what’s inside my head-closet with breed-stables. I went way too far and I have become my only enemy. Nobody can be more toxic to you than yourself… I can only thank God or Fate or whatever this world is I don’t have schizophrenia or tulpa.

Just ignore this all. This confession… actually means nothing and I do not call for any help. I just wanted to scream it at least in text so I can get back to sleep. I still will get depraved nightmares and demented images of what it could be a good place in hell for me. When my parents die, they will deny my existence as I am abomination and will understand why no love is within my soul as it burns with pure toxic lust and denial.

Many will say: “Hey, what a troubled kid with jellyfish instead of a brain.”
You’re not wrong, you’re not.

I tried asking them, but was met with hostility.

@Jade Kitsune
I also want to know what’s wrong. Even if you survive the fall, you can never undo the damage.

I will be going on vacation for the first half of March, but yet I still feel totally worthless.

@Jade Kitsune
what wrong?

@Jade Kitsune
What has you troubled?

Actually now I feel like jumping after today.

@Beth
Good progression.

@Background Pony #7DD0
He’s kinda successful now. There is a reason I don’t ask him for things, because what you just said is exactly what happened.

Me and my dad are both narccissistic neurotypicals. Would gladly use the word autistic for myself if it suited me, then exploit an actual autistic person. I’m no longer like this, mostly stopped being a asshole when I left my dad, until i get stressed out enough

Brother got a differential diagnosis of aspergers. He’s quite socially aware and capable. For a while he would prefer to be called aspergers because he got tired of people using autism as an insult.

I’m prob just borderline, confusing manic behaviors, and rapid glorifying/devaluing of life values, as well as delusions of grandeur and intense fear of abandonment. I think it means being on the border of crazy and just neurotic. Malingering and self diagnosing as antisocial are par for the coarse, so is the disassociation I think autistic people have too.

This is cluster b stuff, i have issues sometimes like autism, but more obviously something else.. You’re not susposed to mention cluster b stuff with anyone on the internet, just your therapist. This account is where I make edgy art, and speak honestly, no employer will know who Beth is, been thinking about cleaning up and rebranding anyway (while keeping the name and character I’m using for my friends).

Lot of TMI I’m sure, I’ll be careful so it doesn’t fuck up my ability to get work. The art commissions are going to be done in a new order (where pay is after) this way has no trouble getting work. After I catch up on some work I owe people though. I got to stay looking for regular work in the meantime, no place to live would mean no art.

@Beth
We Aspergers Autistic are sick of being scapegoats to bigoted ableist neurotypicals, hence why, we need to not only be adaptive and more assertive, we need neurotypical allies to back up as well to outnumber the ableist bullies.

Another woman’s heart breaks as I say nothing, all at the destruction of my humanity.

@Background Pony #7DD0
I grasped onto the social expectation of autism being an illness. I know it’s not an illness, it’s an adaptation to illness, including familiar psychosocial illness. Might be a response to inflammation disorder in brain, could be linked to Tylenol but God knows let’s not make assumptions.

My autistic brother is the only sibling that does real work. In IT and logistics engineer.

Autistic brother was our scape goat. Dad punished him to avoid punishing me. Dad only got super violent towards me when autistic brother ran away.

’Treating ’ autism might actually involve fixing the way society treats autism.

That trans god-complex chronic online weirdo does need people who treat them honestly without motives of exploitation or infamy.

@Beth
At least you admit your wrong doings.

But Autism isn’t mental illness, it is only just a neurotype, correct it.

Chris Chan on the other hand… has mental illnesses those stemmed from entirely egoistic and ignorance.

*whriting pitbulls not writing. That would be funny lol.

I don’t know how I feel.
Or how to describe it.
All I know is that it’s terrible and makes me feel like wanting to be dead.

Thinking about jumping today…

It’s hopeless. Only negative thoughts.

I have derealization disorder…might just blast myself.

@Kicks24Sf
I’m not going to kill myself. I just want to cry it out and feel better like everybody else.

Is completely ceasing to exist more appealing to you than living?

Everything just turning pitch black. Except it’s not even that cause you just don’t exist. It’s just absolutely nothing. Killing yourself doesn’t fix anything, it just removes the possibility that it’ll ever get better.

I want to die.

Had my own post already in General Discussions, was asking for help. Just recently.

Ever since the very moment I was conceived people wanted to get rid of me.

I’m a bastard child with no connections in life and no future to hope for.

Being diagnosed with schizophrenia, best thing I can do for this world is drop dead.

Every time in life I’m always the scapegoat to put someone on their high horse.

In the future I’ll likely have no one to turn to, I fear what will become of myself.

@Beth
I am not strong enough. I am but a mere meat husk reacting on impulse and habit and to say I am of little use is an understatement, which would imply I am useful, which I am not. I think my body is too damaged.