[NSFW] Monster Musume thread

NitroFury
Lunar Guardian - Earned a place among the ranks of the most loyal New Lunar Republic soldiers (April Fools 2023).
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My Little Pony - 1992 Edition
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Friendship, Art, and Magic (2018) - Celebrated Derpibooru's six year anniversary with friends.
Thread Starter - Horseplay
Artist -

Nitro Cat Bad!
@ExtreVile
This is really good, i don’t know how to write stories so take what I say lightly but you need to check your work cause I see some errors with it like with words and also I kinda of got confused at some parts but otherwise it’s seems like the beginning of a interesting story.
 
If there are any mistakes, point it out and I will correct it.
Hali the Emoji girl
Lunar Supporter - Helped forge New Lunar Republic's freedom in the face of the Solar Empire's oppressive tyrannical regime (April Fools 2023).
Non-Fungible Trixie -

Goth Cinnamon Roll
The female Dark Elf was look down at her left hand, clutching the barrel pistol that is obscured, but it is an FN FNX-45 Tac pistol.
 
You should have put she was looking down at her left hand and you should change the “is” to “was”; take out the “but” also change the “is” and replace it with a “was” again.
 
Female Cyclops: Plus this is second time we have a Dark Elf joining our organization of assassins, and the first female Dark Elf.
 
Put a “the” between “is” and “second”.
 
Male Dullahan: Are you sure that didn’t join because is… well, emotionally damaged beyond recognition. After, she has been through hell quite a lot by the looks of it.
 
I don’t know if he’s talking to the dark elf or the cyclops so maybe make it better to understand.
 
Female Cyclops: Well, a certain dark-skinned neko female told me all about her, how misfortune her life really was after was fall from leadership centuries ago; she even told me that her joining an assassin group would be an inevitable choice, but she knows that she will be there for here.
 
Change “misfortune” to “unfortunate”; get rid of the “was” between “after” and “fall” and replace it with “her” and finally change “here” to “her”.
 
Torvi: I felt like joining this group will get rid of my pacifist ways, that what my mother sometimes say for to me before she died. That method always get me in awful predicaments, so even though I abandoned those words, I still respect my mother.
 
Put “because it” in between “group” and “will” also I’m kinda confused by the sentence maybe clarify it?
 
Tadahisa: Well, you still respect your mother; that’s interesting to hear. Since some of our tend to forget their parents after they became mercenary assassins.
 
Change “our” into “us” and “their” into “our” and “they” into “we”.
 
Remiyo: Well, you’re working for government based organization that works beyond jurisdiction. You’ll be taking out the countries worst of the worst. The first target you killed was a wanted murderer who escaped prison, so you’ll be dealing people like them. The targets will be given to you via email sent by us; faces, names, age, everything. We choose no sides, we work by our own rules, and we get paid after your assignment is successful. Sometimes we split the money just to be generous to one another.
 
Put a “an” behind “government” and “with” between “dealing” and “people”.
 
Torvi got out, putting the pistol in holster.
 
Her holster.
 
It was pretty much new beginning for Torvi, and her new alignment.
 
a new beginning.
NitroFury
Lunar Guardian - Earned a place among the ranks of the most loyal New Lunar Republic soldiers (April Fools 2023).
Non-Fungible Trixie -
Preenhub - We all know what you were up to this evening~
My Little Pony - 1992 Edition
Wallet After Summer Sale -
Friendship, Art, and Magic (2018) - Celebrated Derpibooru's six year anniversary with friends.
Thread Starter - Horseplay
Artist -

Nitro Cat Bad!
The female Dark Elf was look down at her left hand, clutching the barrel pistol that is obscured, but it is an FN FNX-45 Tac pistol.
You should have put she was looking down at her left hand and you should change the “is” to “was”; take out the “but” also change the “is” and replace it with a “was” again.
Female Cyclops: Plus this is second time we have a Dark Elf joining our organization of assassins, and the first female Dark Elf.
Put a “the” between “is” and “second”.
Male Dullahan: Are you sure that didn’t join because is… well, emotionally damaged beyond recognition. After, she has been through hell quite a lot by the looks of it.
I don’t know if he’s talking to the dark elf or the cyclops so maybe make it better to understand.
Female Cyclops: Well, a certain dark-skinned neko female told me all about her, how misfortune her life really was after was fall from leadership centuries ago; she even told me that her joining an assassin group would be an inevitable choice, but she knows that she will be there for here.
Change “misfortune” to “unfortunate”; get rid of the “was” between “after” and “fall” and replace it with “her” and finally change “here” to “her”.
Torvi: I felt like joining this group will get rid of my pacifist ways, that what my mother sometimes say for to me before she died. That method always get me in awful predicaments, so even though I abandoned those words, I still respect my mother.
Put “because it” in between “group” and “will” also I’m kinda confused by the sentence maybe clarify it?
Tadahisa: Well, you still respect your mother; that’s interesting to hear. Since some of our tend to forget their parents after they became mercenary assassins.
Change “our” into “us” and “their” into “our” and “they” into “we”.
Remiyo: Well, you’re working for government based organization that works beyond jurisdiction. You’ll be taking out the countries worst of the worst. The first target you killed was a wanted murderer who escaped prison, so you’ll be dealing people like them. The targets will be given to you via email sent by us; faces, names, age, everything. We choose no sides, we work by our own rules, and we get paid after your assignment is successful. Sometimes we split the money just to be generous to one another.
Put a “an” behind “government” and “with” between “dealing” and “people”.
Torvi got out, putting the pistol in holster.
Her holster.
It was pretty much new beginning for Torvi, and her new alignment.
a new beginning.
 
Very well, I’ll do that in the morning.
NitroFury
Lunar Guardian - Earned a place among the ranks of the most loyal New Lunar Republic soldiers (April Fools 2023).
Non-Fungible Trixie -
Preenhub - We all know what you were up to this evening~
My Little Pony - 1992 Edition
Wallet After Summer Sale -
Friendship, Art, and Magic (2018) - Celebrated Derpibooru's six year anniversary with friends.
Thread Starter - Horseplay
Artist -

Nitro Cat Bad!
The Birth Of A Dark Elf Assassin
A New Alignment
full
It was a heavy, rainy night, 1:30 AM in the morning; the highway was mostly empty, but there were a few cars going by. Though one of them is a mysterious Sedan, with three occupants inside; a male Dullahan, who is in the driver seat, a female cyclopes, on the front passenger side, and female Dark Elf, is in the back seat on the opposite side the driver seat. It was an escort ride back home after the assignment was completed, the male Dullahan sees the expressionless Dark Elf via rear view mirror, so he tries to make small talk with her to start a conversation, while focusing on the road.
Male Dullahan: So, how are you doing?
Female Dark Elf: Not much.
The female Dark Elf was looking down at her left hand, clutching the barrel pistol that was obscured; it was an FN FNX-45 Tac pistol.
Male Dullahan: Hmm, you seem so apathetic, is there something wrong?
Female Dark Elf: It’s nothing.
Male Dullahan: You know, this is your first time carrying out your first assassination mission.
Female Cyclops: Plus this is the second time we have a Dark Elf joining our organization of assassins, and the first female Dark Elf.
The Dullahan responds to the female cyclops.
Male Dullahan: Are you sure that she joined our organization, look at her she’s… well, emotionally damaged beyond recognition. After, she has been through hell quite a lot by the looks of it.
He was pretty much talking about the female Dark Elf’s mental state.
Female Cyclops: Well, a certain dark-skinned neko female told me all about her, how unfortunate her life really was after her fall from leadership centuries ago; she even told me that her joining an assassin group would be an inevitable choice, but she knows that she will be there for her.
Male Dullahan: You mean that same neko girl that was once a member several years ago before going solo.
Female Cyclops: Yes.
Male Dullahan: Ah, I see.
The female Cyclops then speaks to Dark Elf.
Female Cyclops: So we didn’t get your name exactly, who are you anyways?
Female Dark Elf: It’s Torvi Fortier.
Female Cyclops: Well… Torvi, my name is Remiyo Aramaki.
Male Dullahan: I am Tadahisa Ishikawa.
Remiyo: So Torvi, what makes you decide to join this group?
Torvi: I felt like joining this group because it will get rid of my pacifist ways, that what my mother sometimes say for to me before she died. That method always get me in awful predicaments, so even though I abandoned those words, I still respect my mother.
Torvi is saying that being positive makes her feel weak and defenseless, making her a target for a few bad apples in her life; this cause her viewpoints to shift in a different direction, and obeying her mother’s words less and less. Still, she can’t disrespect her decease mother.
Tadahisa: Well, you still respect your mother; that’s interesting to hear. Since some of us tend to forget our parents after we became mercenary assassins.
Torvi: So what’s my sole purpose of being here?
Remiyo: Well, you’re working for an government based organization that works beyond jurisdiction. You’ll be taking out the countries worst of the worst. The first target you killed was a wanted murderer who escaped prison, so you’ll be dealing with people like them. The targets will be given to you via email sent by us; faces, names, age, everything. We choose no sides, we work by our own rules, and we get paid after your assignment is successful. Sometimes we split the money just to be generous to one another.
Torvi: I see.
Half an hour later, they arrived at the apartment complex; the car parked outside. Torvi got out, putting the pistol in her holster. It was still raining, Tadahisa rolls down the car window and said one important thing to Torvi.
Tadahisa: Get some well needed rest, you’ll need it for tomorrow.
Torvi: I’ll make sure of that.
Tadahisa rolls up to window before driving off. It was pretty much new a beginning for Torvi, and her new alignment.
Hali the Emoji girl
Lunar Supporter - Helped forge New Lunar Republic's freedom in the face of the Solar Empire's oppressive tyrannical regime (April Fools 2023).
Non-Fungible Trixie -

Goth Cinnamon Roll
The female Dark Elf was looking down at her left hand, clutching the barrel pistol that was obscured, but it was an FN FNX-45 Tac pistol.
 
get rid of the “but”.
 
Male Dullahan: Are you sure that didn’t join because is… well, emotionally damaged beyond recognition. After, she has been through hell quite a lot by the looks of it.
 
Torvi: I felt like joining this group because it will get rid of my pacifist ways, that what my mother sometimes say for to me before she died. That method always get me in awful predicaments, so even though I abandoned those words, I still respect my mother.
 
Can you make it clear as to what you mean in these two?
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