Crazy Headcanons

-Pinkie moonlights as Ponyville’s resident prostitute. Mr. and Mrs. Cake are her #1 customers.
-Fluttershy also has an exhibitionism fetish that she knows she will never satisfy.
-Spike likes stallions, and deflects such feelings by obsessing over Rarity.

@YetAnotherBrony

The Spike thing is the result of my massive and irrational hatred of Sparity. I’m not satisfied with just not shipping it, I devote a portion of my headcanon to completely erasing the possibility of shipping it.

• Braeburn is actually extremely homophobic, and is the founder of Equestria’s equivalent of WBC.  
• (Spoilered because NSFW) I know I’ve already said this, but Princess Cadance is not only the goddess of love, but she is also the goddess of lust, as well as fellatio. Her mouth and saliva will cause a stallion to orgasm within 15 seconds if the BJ is not regulated with magic.  
• (Also NSFW, therefore spoilered) ||  
  -Princess Celestia, apart from controlling the Sun, also has a humanized form, in which she is known as Princess Breastia and is known as the goddess of nice tits.||  
• Lyra and Rarity are both the same human stuck in a pony’s body transported to Equestria, but their mind has split into multiple personalities.

• Starswirl hated Celestia and created the M.M.C. spell to trick her into permanently banishing herself (or killing herself, if you wanna get darker), but he died before he could get it to work correctly. Arguably, it still hasn’t worked quite as intended. (no comment on whether or not SStB is Discord)
   
• Pinkie Pie is obviously terrible at her day job (Sugarcube Corner). The only reason she hasn’t been fired and made homeless is because Mr Cake finds her extremely attractive - pink manes turn him on - and desires to start an affair with her. This is hindered by the fact that Pinkie is such a ditz that she barely even knows what sex is. (as for the Twins? well, see below; suffice to say he doesn’t hate Cup, but those kids definitely weren’t intended)
   
• Mr Cake is the father of his kids (Pumpkin looks too damn much like him to claim otherwise), but Cup likes to sleep around, and early in her pregnancy - maybe even before she knew - she had a tryst with what turned out to be a very bored Celestia (“Molly”), whose goddess powers corrupted the twins into developing as not-Earthponies. _{Alternate Theory: the twins are the result of a ménage-a-trois with Cup, Carrot, and Molly.}
   
• AJ and Rarity grew up together and were originally friends. Rarity’s constant complaints about how bored she was prompted AJ to go on the journey to Manehattan. Rarity wanted to go too but couldn’t. AJ was gone for several months minimum, and Rarity was left all alone with no friends, so she overcompensated by making stuff to try to get other ponies to like her. When AJ came back and decided to stay on the farm, Rarity considered it a betrayal and refused to forgive AJ for years.
   
• Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash weren’t friends growing up. They only met that one time at flight camp before going their separate ways until Episode 1.
   
• Big Macintosh is the overall-smartest pony in Ponyville. That includes Twilight.
   
• Equestria doesn’t have elections; Mayor Mare is appointed. This explains why she still has her job despite clearly failing at it.
   
• Despite what the canon said, Derpy’s name is “Ditzy-Doo” (RD used the other name as an insult going back to when she was a flight-school jock), and she’s actually one of the top flyers in Ponyville; but she’s an endurance flyer, not a speedster like Dashie. The only reason she appears to fail so hard is that her eyesight sucks (cockeyes = no depth perception).
   
• Apple Bloom technically has freckles like her siblings, but they’re so close in colour to her coat that nopony can see them except her. She dislikes them.
   
• With Twilight “ascended” and Sunset Shimmer until recently MIA, Trixie was briefly the most powerful unicorn in Equestria (that’s without the Alicorn Amulet, mind you).
   
• Rarity is an accomplished martial artist, but she doesn’t like to admit it. She started training with the intention of taking out the far-stronger Applejack. (see above for why)
   
• Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle will both grow up to be more attractive than their sisters.
   
• Much of FiM is actually reminiscences of the distant past from Twilight’s perspective. That’s why she’s so OP and never gets in trouble for all the crap she pulls. In reality, she did.

• When Celestia & Luna defeated Sombra, they accidentally created a time-hole that teleported the whole thing a thousand years into the future (this part is basically canon). Cadance, however, isn’t from that period; she’s the last descendent of the original deposed Crystalline Royal Line, and had been living secretly under Celestia’s protection.
   
• There are multiple alicorns, obviously, but only the two celestial demigoddesses are nigh-immortal.
   
• If Celestia wasn’t around, Equestria would quickly devolve into race wars and an even more rigid and stratified class system than already exists (with Unicorns controlling everything and Earthponies a vast oppressed underclass).
   
• Luna is much smarter, if less charismatic, than Celestia. And she does not think Twi has what it takes to become a bona-fide Princess.
   
• Luna was missing from most of Episode 52 because, after Chrysalis and the Changeling Army were banished from Canterlot, Luna chased them down and slaughtered the majority of them; Chryssy only survived intact because she happened to fly off in a different direction.

• Equestria doesn’t have elections; Mayor Mare is appointed. This explains why she still has her job despite clearly failing at it.[/bq]
   
  Alternatively, she’s the only candidate because no one else wants to be mayor of Ponyville. You’re running a town on the edge of a death forest and the town itself is populated by ponies and other individuals who go nuts at the drop of a hat.