Holidays Unwrapped
||Pinkie: Soufflees deflate! I want to get this to Rarity before that happens, but there’s travelling!
lasty: Call her, have her come to you.
(repeat, subtract some patience from lasty’s part each time)
Applejack: It’s a tradition for the Flim-Flam brothers to show up and trick us every year.
Twilight: Out of money!?
Applejack: No, they don’t get none’a that from us.
Twilight: They wait until you’re not looking and then they steal cider!?
Applejack: Nope.
Twilight: They…gather blackmail material?
Applejack: They’re dishonest, not suicidal.
Twilight: So, what exactly do they gain from doing this? The whole point of being con-men is to get something.
Applejack: They do it to get the story goin’, now stop askin’ questions.
Twilight: Sorry, it’s just…kinda stupid. heh. Almost as stupid as looking into a box with most of the bottom cut out and a deep hole in the ground beneath and not noticing until it was lifted up.
Applejack: Well, Ah don’t see how that would be considered stupid.
Flim: Ha ha! We’ve done it again, brother! I can’t wait to cheat them out of nothing but time again next year!
Flam: Too true, brother! And the way you grabbed that diamond back from them was so slick, even I didn’t see you do it!
Flim: …
Flam: …you got that head-sized diamond back, right?
Flim: …
Flam: Oh, Goshdammit!!
Flim: Hey, you’re the one who suggested we go by the time on the Apple family’s garage clocks instead of any of our own numerous time-pieces!
Flam: that it was, brother, that is was. come to think of it, do we even dislike the Apple family in this show?
Flim: i always thought they were kind of nice, to be honest. especially the hot one.
Flam: which one is the…never mind. you know, in a way, i’m kind of glad this is our last official appearance ever.
Flim: agreed. after this debacle, i, too, kind of want to die.
Pinkie: I’ll bake a dozen cupcakes and leave them outside principal Celestia’s office. She’ll have to eat them. People still remember the Cakelestia thing and nobody is above the laws of fan-service. Next, I’ll use my licorice lasso to hold the door open while her back is turned to eat unexplained ground-cupcakes. Then, we’ll sneak in, grab the key and be out before she knows it. Because she’ll be too busy stuffing her face with cupcakes that might as well have a ‘free bird seed’ sign in them with how obviously, suspiciously bait they are. Any questions?
Twilight: How do you plan to bake two dozen cupcakes before the ticking clock thing, (smug Linkara face) hmmmm?
Pinkie: I’m Pinkie Pie.
Twilight: I don’t think a licorice lasso is a real thing.
Pinkie: I’m Pinkie Pie.
Twilight: And once again, this is trespassing.
Pinkie: You think trespassing will be the worst thing on my record? Also, I said bake a dozen cupcakes, not two. You need ear-glasses.
Twilight: We need a different plan.
Applejack: We got powers! I’m sick’a not usin’ powers!
Sunset: We used them to fake a snow day like, yesterday.
Applejack: I’m morally alright with all the problems liftin’ the school would cause, not the least of which is seperatin’ all the plumbin’, which’ll cost th’ taxpayers a ton to repair!!
Twilight: That’s awful. You’re being awful.
Sunset: Well, you come up with a plan, then, you’re so smart!
(Twilight asks to be let in)
Sunset: you’re no fun. also, thanks.
Dash: Hard to park this time of year.
lasty: Why didn’t you just ru-?
Sunset: Why didn’t you just run?
lasty: Right!?
Dash: High-speed+ice=Ow! My ass!
Dash: How will I find a present in the next five minutes!?
lasty: if only you were in a mall or someth-
Dash: Oh, right, I’m at the mall.
lasty: …do you need me for this part?
Dash: Who are you asking that?
lasty: AAAAAA!!
Fluttershy: a camera! yay!
lasty: (waits)
Fluttershy: with this, i can take candid photos anywhere!
lasty: (waits)
(pictures are taken, the scene goes to Snips and Snails)
lasty: are they…are they not gonna say this one? oh, okay, uh, isn’t her phone a camera? Maybe a better one? And smaller, doesn’t take additional batteries and more likely for her to have on her all the ti-?
Rarity: Wait, Fluttershy, isn’t your phone a better, more convenient camera than..?
lasty: Curse word, I should’a skipped this one!
(Rarity swoons)
Pinkie: Rarity!? What do you need!?
Rarity: i need…i-i need…a tailor. Because I’ve ripped my pants! forgive me, pants!
(Dash uses super-speed to go like ten feet)
Twilight: Wasn’t you not doing that anymore a lesson not too long ago?
Dash: Yep, doin’ it anyway! I don’t follow the rules!
Twilight: it’s not really a rule, it’s just…Pinkie, standing there re-enacting the early 90’s with that boombox isn’t helping anyone but your otorhinolaryngologist.
Dash: Nobody is impressed by you not just saying ‘ear doctor’. or by lasty copy-pasting the long version.
lasty: Stop making this a self-insert thing!
Applejack: Wishin’ y’all a happy holiday from our cornucopia to yours. Love, Applejack…
Sunset: Sunset Shimmer…
Dash: Rainbow Dash..!
Fluttershy: fluttershy coldsoar o’rapist…
Rarity: Rarity Unwantedpregnancy Harghis…
Pinkie: …yeesh, no wonder you two went by first name only. Pinkie Pie..!
Twilight: Twilight Sparkle…
Photo: …vhat? I, Photo Finish!, do not vish ze audience a gut holiday! Screw zem!
Applejack: Ah can’t think of a more appropriate image to end our series on. Kinda sexy, but also, like…really, this is what y’all’re into? And with that, G4 is completely and entirely concluded. See y’all again never!
The End
(the CMCs stand backstage, smiling but quiet.)
Scootaloo: (checks her phone for the time)
Apple Bloom: (clears her throat)
(waiting)
Sweetie Belle: They’ll call us when it’s our turn to give the audience a final good-bye, right?
Apple Bloom: ‘Course, they will. They couldn’t have a finale without us. We’re the Cruaders, kinda!
Scootaloo: We’ve been an important part of things in another dimension since the beginning!
Sweetie Belle: Yeah, you two are right. Eee, I’m so nervous but excited, too!
Apple Bloom: Ah heard that.
(smiling, waiting)
Scootaloo: (makes noises with her mouth)
(smiling, waiting)
Apple Bloom: Not, uh…much longer. …now.
(camera zooms out to show Celestia, Luna and Cadance standing just behind them)
Celestia: Any second now.
(camera zooms out again to show Trixie, Flash, Big Mac, Granny Smith, the Shadowbolts and the sirens)
all: Aaaaaaaaaaaaany second.
(camera points down to a very angry-looking Spike)
Spike: …this is total bullshit.||