Take pride. 🌈
@team blueplant
Anyways: I have been depressed for two-and-a-half years and I have been having suicidal thoughts for about a year now. Six months ago, I decided to tell my school counselor about them. My school counselor called my mother, and she told my father, and they came to school to get me. It was a Friday, and I was going to go home for the weekend anyways. I simultaneously wanted to die and to live. I told my parents to hide every knife and gun in the house, and they locked them inside a safe to protect me. They also locked away every pill that we had. I did not tell them that I was contemplating using a belt as a gallow though. I wrapped it around my neck and thought “should I hang myself?”. I realized that it was not worth it, and I told my mother that I needed to go to a hospital. Right then. My parents drove me to a good hospital, and I refused to sit in the front of the car because the temptation to swerve the car was too great. I sat in the back of the car and made sure that the door was locked and that my seatbelt was in multiple times. I wanted to jump out of the car, but I fought myself. My mother explained my situation to my older brother, who has a doctoral degree in nursing. My brother sat with me when we arrived at the hospital in the transfer room. He stayed awake the whole night, while I slept. When I was actually transferred to the mental hospital, I remember sitting in a room with two cameras in the room watching me from both corners. I felt like a failiure and cried more than I have ever cried in my life. I was given ovular ham sandwiches with mayonaise and mustard as a meal three times in a row, and I still feel uncomfortable to this day when I see those condiments together because it reminds me of that day. I spent five more days in that place.
When I came out of that facility, I felt empty and lost. I had no idea what to do with myself. I still have some suicidal thoughts and urges today, but I do not want to act on them.
Ask yourself: “I may not want to live through this, but am I really willing to die in it?”
