@FeatherTrap
@97blackbird
@Communist Starlight
Sorry for the radio silence everypony, I’ve just been experiencing some “technical difficulties” lately, as well as a metric buttload of work.
There’s only so much drywall repairing and multi-coat painting that a man can do before he starts to lose his mind D= .
As an apology, here’s a li’l bit to tide y’all over. Hope you enjoy it =3 .
Chapter Three: The Unwilling Edgelord
[The startled alicorn scrabbled back up to his hooves, brushed the dust off of his sore rump, and glared daggers at me. But there was, oh, how do I go about wording this? There was just something of an aura that he had about him, something that felt very nonthreatening despite the anger in his eyes.]
[Yeah, that’s it. Despite his bat wings, the sharp horn sticking out of his forehead, and that oh so edgelordiest of color schemes, I just wasn’t afraid of him.]
Alicorn:
[Shouting in a flustered huff] “Didn’t anypony ever tell you that it’s very rude to sneak up on ponies like that?”
[For another reason that’s a little difficult for me to explain, I hadn’t been expecting his voice to rise that high in the octave range. In fact, it came out almost like a Freddie Mercury falsetto. Oh, and the noticeable lisp wasn’t helping his case much either.]
Alicorn: “Seriously, you could have given me a heart attack!”
[Well okay then. Now I knew exactly why I wasn’t afraid.]
Me:
[Holding out my open palms in a placating gesture] “Sorry, sorry about that, it’s just not every day that you run into an alicorn, you know? I haven’t seen very many in my life, particularly any that look… uh… quite like you.”
Alicorn:
[His ears drooped and his gaze lowered down to the dirt] “You mean like Shadow the Hedgehog? Yeah, trust me, I know.”
“
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, so you’re not going to shoot us? Because that’s what Shadow does, right?”
[Boy howdy, that’s a friggin’ loaded question. Go ahead and ask a Sonic fanboy that one, Itty-Bitty Bat, and see how long that conversation lasts.]
Alicorn:
[Tilting his head in confusion] “Shoot you? Whyever would I do that?”
“I dunno, maybe Master made you mad by stealing your vacation island spot or somethi-
Me:
[Stepping in with a slightly different train of thought] “That all depends, Big Guy. Are you familiar with the Borg Collective?”
Alicorn:
[Lets out a snort and rolls his eyes] “Quite familiar, yes. They’ve been butting heads with Father’s forces for years. To put it bluntly, High Priest Heavy Hoof isn’t a fan. It’s kind of hard for a doomsday cult to gather new members when every other solar system’s already been absorbed and reprogrammed into mindless drones.”
[Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the phone, because that’s a whole bunch of new crap to unpack right there! Where do I even start?]
“You’re in a cult? So, I ‘unno, are we talking Scientology-style or more Heaven’s Gate-ish?”
[Thank you, Medi. Truly excellent use of tact to broach that topic with.]
Alicorn:
[Shaking his head and sighing] “Worse, I’m afraid. I’d compare it more to Jonestown than anything else. If Jim Jones wanted to summon the Elder Gods to bring about the end of the Multiverse, I mean.”
[Alright, so maybe I was a teeny bit afraid of this guy. Or starting to get there, anyway. Still, something was more than a little off about the whole situation.]
Me:
[Nodding along] “Doesn’t sound to me like you’re too invested in the whole ‘cult thing’. Why not just cut your ties to them and quit?”
Alicorn:
[Sitting down and grimacing] “Believe me, I would love to; if only it were that simple.”
Me: “Sounds like a long story.”
Alicorn:
[Nodding his head as well] “Quite long. Think the two of you have the time to spare?”
“Well, it’s not like we’re
forcing you talk about it, right, Master? If it’s a sore subject, no worries, we’ll super understand.”
Alicorn:
[Shrugging] “You know what? This might be just what I need. I don’t have anypony else I can really vent to… everypony else I know is already brainwashed, wearing cloaks, and worshiping tentacle monsters.”
[As a show of good faith, Medi-Bat flutters down to sit on my shoulder and munch on a candy bar that she seemingly produced from thin air. Following suit, I sat down on the ground and gave our strange new friend my rapt attention.]
Alicorn:
[Gesturing to the flowers he’d been fawning over earlier] “Well, Father never really understood my love of botany, but he didn’t interfere in my pursuit of it either. He was perfectly happy with me fading into the background while he tried to conquer all of known creation all on his own. The thing is… he kinda… well…
he died.”
“So, what, does that make you the new cult leader? Are there any perks that come with the title? Oh, oh, do you have a harem of pretty pony concubines in Princess Leia costumes or something?”
Me:
[Scolding her] “Medi, please.”
“Sorry.”
Me: “No, I mean
of course he has a harem. All cult leaders do.”
Alicorn:
[Another shrug] “Well, yes, but my wives are neither here nor there. See, without Father’s unholy might to guide them towards oblivion, the High Priests couldn’t really get anything done; they still had their numbers and bolstered ranks, but they didn’t have the power to utilize those numbers. So, that’s when they started asking me to take the reigns.”
Me: “Heh, horse puns.”
Alicorn:
[Scolding me] “Human, please.”
Me: “Sorry.”
[Medi sticks her tongue out a me and blows a victorious raspberry]
Alicorn: “Anyway, so they started asking me to take over. Things like contacting the Elder Gods for evil advice, running the great Blood Sacrifices, devouring stars to plunge whole systems into frozen darkness; you know, the usual sort of Dark Messiah stuff.”
Me:
[Patting him on the shoulder] “Well, considering we found you studying flowers here, I’m guessing you didn’t want to.”
Alicorn: “Of course I didn’t want to! I can barely bring myself to swat a fly, let alone absorb the souls of a hundred thousand sacrificial ponies all at once! And have you ever tried to contact the Elder Gods for a little chat?! It’s like having your mind explode, get put back together in reverse, then explode again, over and over, until they just get bored with you and end the call!”
[Uh-oh, my Spider Sense is tingling. I feel a rant coming on.]
Alicorn: “I just want to explore, study my flowers, drink my tea, and maybe go bird watching every now and again, but
noooooooooooooo! No, no, no, I can’t do that!
‘You have a billion servants to rule over with an iron hoof! You’re in charge now, so you’d better not let your late Father’s memory down! He worked too hard to destroy all of reality, far too hard, for you to go and blow it all by running off to play with posies and roses!’ I swear, it’s enough to drive you mad!”
Me: “Hey, calm dow-
Alicorn:
[Getting progressively more worked-up over time] “Well guess what, Heavy Hoof?! You’re not my real Dad! You don’t know me, you can’t tell me what to do!
If I want to study geraniums, then I damn well will! I’ll study all the geraniums I want, all the geraniums ever! I’LL CROSSBREED A NEW KIND OF GERANIUM, THE PRETTIEST FLOWERS TO EVER EXIST, AND THEN WE’LL SEE WHO’S BOSS! THEN WE’LL SEE! YOU’LL LOOK AT MY GARDEN, AT HOW IMPOSSIBLY BEAUTIFUL IT’LL BE, AND YOU’LL FALL TO YOUR KNEES AND WEEP!”
[Did I mention that the laws of physics had begun to break down the moment that new our alicorn friend started screaming about this Heavy Hoof guy? Because I think it’s kind of important to mention that little fact.]
Me:
[Currently floating upside-down in the air, rapidly spinning like a top] “A little help here!”