[Dark] Depression/Suicides within the fandom (The revival)

@Beth
…let me repeat, I STOPPED myself from ending it all sooner.

@DanielOrange
I was agreeing with your sentiment.

I hope you get better. People do care. They often can’t help much.

i’m passive suicidal, i have been for multiple months. i genuinely hope i get hit by a car crossing the street or lose balance from some really high place. i would be perfectly content with it.

i’m not going to jump though. i will probably be okay. i hate this life.

Now I’m down again.

I can’t stop thinking about my dead cousin.

I was going to help him clean his life up. He died so suddenly, something in my brain just got stuck on helping that one person.

Now that he’s gone I’ve been giving up on life, all that matters anymore is to numb the pain.

@𝕭𝖆𝖉𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙
Take my advice: As someone whom once had an atrociously horrible year back in 2018 (not helped by my banishment after losing my mind and lashing out at others which resulting in me saying something I regretted later on in life that caused me to hate myself for years), giving up on life is no way how to live.

Believe me, I had a suicidal phase too four years ago. I’ve tried seeking mental help, but my therapist at the time was no help at all which didn’t help my mental state in the slightest.
I thought about taking a walk on the tracks until the next Amtrak came about to bawl me over and kill me right then and there several times but never had the commitment to do so.

Eventually months had past and after that’s when my conscience finally told me something that wasn’t hurtful let alone harmful that could eventually get me killed that no one would ever see or hear from me ever again. I eventually thought, if people don’t love or like me, screw them all.

I can’t please or befriend everyone. I have to hang with my own people.

Your cousin’s death is not your fault. You could’ve saved him, I get that - and I do feel sad for your own loss; but relenting on it and taking your own life will not bring them back.

I’m sorry to say this, but sometimes… People just don’t want help.
I had worse luck trying to help an ex so-called “friend” see that he’s being manipulated by baizuo propaganda and how wrong and contradicting his asinine rhetoric is, but he never listened.
I even tried to help someone who was trans with their own suicidal phase (not helped by my own at the time), and she kept falling back into relapse repeatedly.

It sucks. It fucking sucks! But that’s life sometimes; we’re not all fictional superheroes. (I’m more the opposite actually tbh.) We can’t save anyone because people nowadays don’t want to be saved. They’re so wrapped up in their own mental delusions that they think nothing is wrong with them when they are clearly unstable asf and prone to overreacting.
It’s an unfair irritation, but dwelling on it won’t help.

Don’t let your cousin’s death take its toll on you. I am sincerely sorry for your loss, but your life has meaning whether you like it or not.
I’m trying to find my place in life and I’d be damn jovial and over the moon once I find it and use it to be better than other people and I know you can do the same.
Your life matters, no one elses.
The smartest and most strongest person is the one that looks after themself and not everyone else.
That might sound apathetic and callous, but caring about your own needs is what helps you get over suicide. At least for me anyway.
You can take whatever I say into account or don’t. Either way, your life has more meaning than most people who waste it constantly.
I have my own life and you have yours - so use it wisely. Ending it is a bad idea.
Believe me, I know how enticing that feeling is and how it can manipulate you toxicly. But I learned to get over that suicidal thought and be able to survive COVID19 regardless of my reputation and how strangers perceive me. You can do the same. I know you can.

@ИІЯІЖIRIN
That’s the problem, I’ve become an asshole. I just can’t do enough for people.

My brain is so fried from drinking I can’t function anymore, all I want to do is party.

I’m friends with a couple of trans, they’re good people.

Then there’s Christmas coming up, and I have a pitbull to support.

It’s like I’ve given everything and they all want more.

I don’t like being selfish, it’s a lonely life.

@𝕭𝖆𝖉𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙
Honestly if you saw any of my interactions from 2017 - 2018, you’d see an even bigger asshole than how you see yourself. And that asshole still has to carry that burden for the rest of his life like a noose that never leaves his neck.

Drinking doesn’t help. And I used to drink quite a bit during 2018, but even then I didn’t drink that much after that year. I only drink on occasion. At a restaurant or at a party.

Trans people can be good friends, but unfortunately they have to live with not only people giving them shit for wanting to take HRT but also living with the burden of toxic transpeople like Lillian Orchard giving them a bad name.

OOF - and I know. Christmas can be such a hassle - especially when you’re the one doing the shopping.

But honestly in my opinion, living lonely and looking after yourself is better than being abused by other people.

Being a brony is the closest I’ve been to being someone.

Me again.

@DanielOrange
What’s wrong?

@icicle wicicle 1517
My existence is a fucking joke to you all.

@DanielOrange
No it’s not :(

People here like you

@icicle wicicle 1517
Name one.

@DanielOrange
Dex Stewart, KopSlack, they seem to care about you

@icicle wicicle 1517
I barely know them. I don’t even talk to them in DMs.

@DanielOrange
I am usually available to talk whenever I can…I am more than willing to listen. Just reach for the stars and shoot for the moon, as the saying goes.

@DanielOrange
I like you just because you’re an artist. That one isn’t complex. I enjoy your art though.

@𝕭𝖆𝖉𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙
Same.

Also just happens to be one of the few online spaces I’m not exiled from for being a raging narcissist.

I get mad and always say the dumbest shit.

@Beth
I barely have any motivation to draw nowadays.

@DanielOrange
Artist have a lot of positive traits that don’t go away just because you haven’t drawn a lot lately.

You also put out work more consistently than others, and use it to tell stories.

I’ll let you be. Sometimes when people vent here they don’t want a list of direct answers, they’re just processing their feelings

@Beth
I don’t actually have stories. I can’t keep a consistent universe in my head, because now I’ve been thinking of merging my kitsune self’s three tails into one so I don’t have to draw or color as much. (He would still be related to the kitsune and have fire powers like normal though)

Tbh, my artistic motivation was slaughtered if not murdered eight years ago after all the shit I had to put up with and finish before graduation. I barely had enough time to do anything.
And by the time it was over, it was completely evaporated.

Not to mention the unforgiving current judgemental state of our modern internet/social media prevents me from sharing it and my analytical/critical perfectionism doesn’t help matters either.
It’s a lost cause actually.

@ИІЯІЖIRIN
That’s why I just ignore criticism and disable comments on my work on a few websites.

@DanielOrange
That’s what I’d do personally, but people and critics would label me as a pussy for doing so.