Posts

@DanielOrange
It’s good to have motivation to help avoid the suicidal thoughts

And I’m sure you will have people who will miss you

@icicle wicicle 1517
The only reason I haven’t taken my life by now is that despite the fact that I’m a loser with a broken brain who nobody will remember a week after my death, I have a belief that my own personal afterlife will treat me the same way the world celebrates Stan Lee after his passing, and that suicide will rob me of that particular reward.

@DanielOrange
It’s ok to cry, if you need to do it, do it.

ihope that whatever is bothering you, you feel better soon

@icicle wicicle 1517
This time, I don’t know. I just feel like crying.

@DanielOrange
What’s going on?

Hey.

@Dashiefluffywaifu
I sent a note to you.

@Background Pony #09B4
I could be your friend, if u want (I do like to do discord calls and stuff)

Hi. I just feel the need to put this somewhere. I’m just copying and pasting (with a few changes, and some additions) from a post I made to mental health related Discord.

Lately my life has been a lot of the same, and, I have some weird thing that I am unable to do things I want to do. Most days are nearly the same, I keep thinking of things I want to do, and I just keep postponing and postponing over and over again. I don’t know what’s about. Since I have autism, It’s probably my autistic inertia.

My sleep schedule is also pretty bad at the moment, even that I’ve been thinking for months that I want to improve it.

I have been in this situation, just doing whatever during days, for a long time now. There are times I am unable to do even the simplest tasks, like reading a few lines worth of text, or a brief video online. Other times, I am able to watch longer videos, but not the shorter ones that I wanted to watch long ago. There has been things I have been wanting to do for over a year, or more.

Even just replying to someone with a “hello” or “hi” can be difficult at times. A friend of mine greeted me early this month and I was just unable to reply and still hasn’t replied.

I’m already in therapy, but maybe a therapist that is more focused on autism would be useful. I feel like I should do this whenever as possible.

Sadly, suicidal thoughts have returned about a week ago. Yesterday, most of the day I have been thinking about these. I’m not depressed, however, I’m just thinking about it because I’m just tired of doing nothing, I think. I have had a very troubled era during 2016-2020 that I was really depressed (a multitude of factors made things worse). I feel like the things that happened during that time really affected me that there’s still traces of it today.

Despite being able to do so many things in the past, and still today, many times I end up thinking that I’m just unable to do anything, that I am incapable of things. I don’t feel like my life has any “life” to it. I just do whatever everyday and the next day is the same thing. It’s a very weird feeling.

Although the current daily life has improved, I still wish that era of 4 years of being very depressed never happened. It sucks that all the problems that happened during that time period were not my fault, it was not in my control, and ultimately was other people’s behavior towards me that made me feel even worse. Nothing feels worse than making an open letter to someone I thought I trusted with my-then mental health difficulties, then receiving very heavy vocal abuse. Not just that, but all sorts of obligations I had to start making because I wrote that one letter saying I wasn’t feeling well.

The person who did that luckily did change over time and he/she is a completely different person now. But, those moments were very dark, I was very alone, didn’t had many people to talk to, and trying to convince this person I needed therapy was really difficult. It was perhaps one of the worst moments I had in my life, on top of already awful things I had to deal before that.

And, I’m no longer the same person I was before 2016. This is both for the best and worse. While I did change how I view life, and how I appreciate the little things, now I have many other things that is very difficult to deal with. Sometimes it feels that no matter how much therapy I do, these things may come and go. And… I have been the majority of my life in multiple therapies too, for different occasions depending on what was happening between each time. I like talking with my current therapist, but, it’s still painful to think about those past moments.

@Background Pony #09B4
I’m really sorry to hear all that :(

I hope that you are able to find better friends someday.

So, I don’t know where to begin…

I haven’t had much friends growing up, as common, yes picked on at school, shoved into a garbage bin, had people assert negativity towards my face, didn’t always get to hang out with my brothers that often, had bad friends and tried to be their friend hopefully making them good people. Had one of them stop hanging out with over believing I was too disabled to hang out with.

Didn’t see one of my friends for years and didn’t get to hang out with them too much over them having to take care of a house full of siblings where most of the time they did a lot of house work and at they times they didn’t get much privacy or got too busy nowadays, which now I only get to only so often get hang out with three friends offline.

I’ve got schizoaffective disorder, hyperglycemia, gluten entolerence, autism, adhd, a’m likely to have ocd, and it just feels like the worst combination..

I’m tired of dealing with it..

I’ve had family not believe me when i found out I had diet issues, when I needed to care of my function in the ways i needed to..

I’ve had family (at times) and friends -especially people close, -or even people I’ve tried to make friends with; treat me wrongly in ways of either misconceptionalizing me, belittling, demoralizing, disrespecting me, or even me being accused of still being mad about issues that have been forgiven from the past and I’ve moved passed the past.

I’ve even been treated like a child and really do not appreciate that. Even been had people say the way the help me thinks their helping me when it’s not the way I need to be helped.

I’ve had people be pessimistic or nitpick at all the little or big things about things I am interested in like hobbies, games, or stuff i just like -even at times when I am stressed. I’ve had people try to manipulate me a few times.

I’ve had hobbies and games I like to do that seems like almost VERY few to no people are into.

All I want is just a friend to call on discord, a friend offline to not abandon me when I’m worried about health issues, a friend anywhere that can just listen when I need a ear to vent to (as I can do the same), hang out and care for one-another, and not be turned agenst in the most annoying ways like one turning out to be a condecending, demoralizing, or cynical prick

Someone irl told me that ,,everyone regrets suicide in he last second”.I don’t know if it’s true or not,i guess living suffering is better than outting yourself

Me again.

@Beth
This is probably the best advice I’ve read here from anyone.

Seriously, stop staying around people who only make you miserable and hurt you. Start over, go somewhere else, meet new people, and don’t make the same mistakes you did previously. You’ll be so much better off.

If you’re the problem, then work on it instead of whining about how you’re stuck in limbo and can’t improve.

Don’t be like boogie2988 who’s a narcissistic perpetual victim.

Letting go can be scary but is it really worth the tremendous mental anguish? It’s a lesson I really wish I learned much earlier in my life because it only brought me pain and misery with only brief moments of reprieve in either instance, I was problematic and couldn’t see it, and my abuser would gate keep my happiness by constantly making themself scarce every single time I said or did anything wrong.

As horrible as they were it was also my fault for hinging so much of my own personal worth on what they thought of me and how close we were.

I latched on so hard to the good times we had but they were so far and few between that it really wasn’t worth the severe psychological damage that had on me in my upbringing.

If misery is your constant in regards to your relationships with people with happiness being nothing but brief reprieve. Something is horribly wrong and needs to be fixed. Get your shit together or get the fuck away from them.
It’s one of the two.

@Niskelis Philli
Nothing matters, so I just do whatever my animal brain wants, and try not to make other peoples lives hell I guess.

Eat, sleep, make money, chill with my gf and my cat.

If you really want to die, just start throwing away all your useless shit, and abandon any relationship where people aren’t making you happy, then you are free to go do anything else, make a new life for yourself if you want, instead of thinking you can’t control it, go your own way and find glory through labor, instead of constantly going back and forth with people that make you feel bad.

Killing yourself is cowardly, if you are to suicide then why are you to not enjoy yourself? What stops you from going outside and doing cocaine while getting some hookers? If that seems too much for you then you truly are only a coward.
Just don’t kill yourself, you have way more years in life no matter what way you feel. Please seek therapy.

So should I.

I should be nonexistent.

@Jade Kitsune
I’m sorry to hear that :(

@icicle wicicle 1517
Another episode of “I hate my disability and wish my parents only had my sister who doesn’t have anything wrong with her aside from lactose intolerance”

@Jade Kitsune
What’s wrong?

Well… here I am again.

I should of bought more chorizo

Depressing pet stuff

So when I was subconsciously asleep approximately 8:00 this morning, I heard a faint meow of a cat so my instinct basically told me that I need to feed Sasha. Then, by the time I made myself fully awake, I went downstairs, filled up his bowl, and called her.

…then I ultimately remembered she’s gone.

I immediately broke into tears yet again.